The Ultimate Champion by John Debus - Short, Comedy - Wallman goes on a date with a cute girl but is suddenly reminded of his past. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

John-

Your title page is different than the script title posted.

Several mistakes within the first half page:
- WALLMAN: you should note that it's a male character in your description. Also, "average looking" doesn't tell us much;
- AMY: "good looking" is too generic IMO;
- Dialogue: Too on the nose. "The guys were not letting me leave the apartment" sounds like a robot speaking.
- Typo: AMY: "I was stupid an arrived..."; the "an" should be "and";
- Puncuation: WALLMAN: "This isn't going well is it". You forgot "?".

I would give it a thorough proofing, and suggest that you say the dialogue out loud, as if you're table reading for every character, to give some realistic life to the dialogue.

Good luck.

J,
There's some amusing ideas in there but you really need to start over.

Have to agree with Bogey, proof read and then rewrite.

JJ

Some notes.

There are multiple English mistakes that lead me to believe you didn't proof this one well.  And the story isn't all that funny.  You might go back to the drawing board and figure out how to add more humor.  She likes Loyd.  Loyd really is gay.  The county fishing thing becomes a shaggy dog story going on and on with humor but no real ending.  

Best
Richard

In my view, the format is off...before rewriting it, you should analyze a professional script. Also, you should add more humor to the story. As it has been rightly pointed out, the dialogue is severely OTN....I have the same problem and I'm working very hard to get better with this. OTN dialogue is the most difficult hurdle to overcome.
Work hard and you'll have a good script.
Fausto