Underground by Curtis Threadgold - Short, Horror - After finding himself buried alive, a desperate man's only lifeline is a little girl who just wants a pet. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Curtis, I am a newbie so don't take this as gospel. For me, the formatting is not correct? Also, spelling mistakes throughout.

The concept is GREAT but it wasn't very easy to follow.  

Okay, pretty creepy. Enjoyed the story.

Two  questions surfaced quickly:  How did he get buried and would he get out?  Only the latter question get's answered and that's OK.

I think your description of his premature entombment needs work.  I thought you had him in a wooden box at first."The sound of movement on wood"  Then:  "He spits out soil and muck as light........illuminating his head and shoulders".??? Not much light underground.

"A small piece of plastic piping juts from the floor".   What floor?

"An air hole.  Craig's face can be seen through it....."   Not exactly a small piece of plastic piping if you can see his face and pass lots of stuff down it. How would this get filmed?

Chloe is wonderfully creepy.  Definitely in need of therapy. Perhaps a little info. on whether her creepiness is innate or experience generated would be helpful.

So, she' sad when her jam jarred pets die, but she decides not to dig up her large GERBIL (CRAIG) because she now has a puppy?  Yup, a definite need for therapy.

Fun Read.  Needs some house cleaning perhaps.

JJ

Thanks. I'll take a flick through and have a look. Appreciate you taking the time.

It has a few issue but was still a easy read.

I agree with the issue already raised. I have more of a problem with why he is buried. I think you lightly touched on why with the nightmare but I would have liked more of an explanation.

All in all I though it was a good story.

Some notes.

An engaging tale.  Chloe is sufficiently off-kilter, and poor Craig can't convince her otherwise.  I'm assuming he was buried for some wrong, and the air hole is to torture him.  However, an air hole sufficiently large enough to pass candy bars is more than a tube.  That's me.  Still, I liked it.  Needs a good edit.
Best
Richard