Child Messiah by Simon Parker - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - The world is sick, the poor are marked in mystery black dots whilst the rich are forced to line up outside the home of a child said to have god like powers. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Simon,

Some notes.

Interesting tale.  A young boy has the healing power over black dots that don't seem to have anything other than a cosmetic effect.  I'll buy that.  I'm not sure I buy Heather's treatment of her son.  In most stories, the people who own the golden goose do their best to keep the goose happy.  Plus, she has the money to do so.  But that's another story.

I think this is a morality story about those with dots and those without dots, something like Dr. Seuss might write.  I'll buy it.

the way Kimberly gets the keys is far too easy.  Sneaking up on Heather and removing keys from her belt?  Not even money would make her that dumb, would it?

Figure out a better way to get the keys, and I think you'll go a good way to having a filmable story.

Best
Richard

I like the general premise, but, agreeing with RichardR, I found David and Heather's scenes to be too forced. Is Heather really David's mother? If so, I think we need a little more background on who they are, and the true nature of their relationship, and how they arrived to this point.  I would drop most of the exposition regarding the disease, you've made it clear what is happening on that front, and stick with who these people are.  Also, I would think if this is some worldwide pandemic, and people heard the news of some miraculous cure, a stampeding mob would be tearing the doors off the hinges just to get their hands on David.

The confrontation between Heather and Kimberly could be restaged. I found the action beats to be a bit awkward and unclear. Heather must be really tough? -- When David touches Heather, you have the wrong personal pronoun.

aside from these points, I did find it an enjoyable read.

best,
Ron

Simon,
interesting story...I think that Heather is mistreating David...a mother should be more understanding and supportive...is she the real mother? Also, was David's healing power confined to his house?
The premise is convincing...in my view, it needs a good tune up.
All my best,
Fausto