Advice With A Side Of Lunch

Posted by: Don, November 4th, 2016, 4:07pm

Advice With A Side Of Lunch by Paul E. Sylvain - Short, Comedy - During a luncheon, two co-workers try to convince their trusting friend to confront his wife, who they believe is having an affair. 13 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Gary Manson, November 6th, 2016, 1:32pm; Reply: 1

Hi Paul, I like this. It reminded me of (two and a half men) humour in a way.
Made me laugh.

Cheers

Posted by: Cameron (Guest), November 7th, 2016, 4:04pm; Reply: 2

Alright Paul,

Kinda agree with Gary, it reminds me of a sitcom. Double the page count and take them outside the booth for longer, you've got something there.

Anyway, considering it's scenic limitations, it kept me interested. Really it was 13 pages of banter, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It was decent, but I'd expand it and submit it to the series section.

Also, there's a few formatting issues with your "(CONT'D)" bits appearing randomly at the beginning of pages, but apart from that it read well for me.

Cam

Posted by: JakeJon, November 7th, 2016, 4:12pm; Reply: 3

P,
Cute stuff.  The dialogue was certainly entertaining.  A fun read for me.  A little bit of a see saw ride but still okay.

Best line,   DAN, "You kidding me? AA?  Sounds like a stuttering Canadian."

Some times Dan's attempts at humor  were a bit to " coarse, edgy".  Deflated the "fun" high I was enjoying,
ie.
-Jeremy's kids teeth, a trainwreck; a Jaws marathon.
-Dan' craving for fish, salmon platter.

This is just my opinion.  I think your dialogue "banter" was exceptionally creative and would have succeeded without the graphic tone.  Others might say that the graphic tone drove the humor; so be it.

The theme and the ending were predictable but over all, a worthy "hoot".

Oh yeah, top of page 7.  PETER orders Soup of the day??  If he was there,he didn't say much.

JJ

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