Vision by Andrew Champagne - Short, Horror - Everyone has a shadow. 5 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Link Fixed.

Andrew,
first off, I liked this quite a bit. The idea of benevolent spirits helping those in need is right up my alley.

Notes:  Instead of GIRL, why not introduce ANNE directly. I see no reason to wait until later on the page. Also on pg1 you call her ANNA, but for the rest of the story it's ANNE --  Pg3, in the kitchen: I know what you're going for, but I think it's easier if you just said "Anne opens a cupboard, and retrieves a coffee cup" -- Pg4 the Woman calls out the name ANNA (back to Anna again). Pg4, If Keegan is unseen if he wants to be, why was he hiding behind the tree earlier, when following her?  -- And lastly, why the bunny mask? Besides bringing back memories of Donnie Darko, I'm not sure why you stuck that in there.

All in all, this was an enjoyable read, and I'll be sure to check out your other work

Best,
Ron H

For the life of me I can’t tell you exactly why I liked this but I did.

Couldn’t help but think of Donnie Darko.

The main issue for me was the formatting and other little problems.

You can lose the "we see" and the camera directions.

I’m not sure you fully understand how and when to use the em dash and ellipsis. Lots of articles you can Google about it. I feel your extreme over use of the em dash slows the read and to be completely honest is just annoying.

Id say if you cleaned up a few things this would be a great script.

Well done.

Some notes.

This is a solid piece.  There are some problems...Anna in come places...Anne in others.  Needs a clean up.

I'm not sure if Keegan is alive or dead.  If dead, there's no need to hide behind a tree.  If alive, then, when he's in hunter mode, he can't be seen.  I do like the idea of being able to see malevolent spirits.  'I see dead people.'  Good job.

Best
Richard

Andrew,

Interesting concept - feels like one you could take further.  I tripped up trying to follow the who/what/where at times.  I think you could stand to add a little clarity to some areas to help orientate the reader.

You intro the GIRL only to re-intro her a few lines later as ANNA and elsewhere in the action as Anne.  Similarly the old lady is referred to as the old lady/woman/ghostly woman/Anna’s mother - assuming they’re all the same character?  It’s not a deal breaker for me but consistency goes a long way.

FLASH - I’m guessing as in FLASH CUT, like a brief cutaway?  Nothing against it, but for clarity it might be better to indicate when it’s ended.  On first read I assumed Keegan’s reaction was part of the cutaway.

Why is Keegan hiding from Anna if she can’t see him?

Again, decent idea - could do with a little clean-up to help smooth the read.

Steve

I'll ignore the few inconsistencies and tiny bit of confusion and instead ask if there has been an update or revision since you posted this 4 weeks ago?

Pretty good concept and story. Main issues I had with this were more technical aspects..."We see" and the complete absence of a title page. Overall pretty entertaining, and with some clean up here and there, it'll be even better. Keep it up.

Hey, Andrew, I think the other reviewers cover most of what I would suggest -- why the rabbit mask and hiding if invisible -- Anna/Anne – Camera directions. I did like that the ending when he took on the Shadow and its presences. An idea with potential needs development.

BLB

Andrew,

It was an interesting choice of having KEEGAN be an invisible character. On the other hand, I was confused if he is a ghost himself. Because usually people have visions, not ghosts.

I like his positive influence on ANNA.

"The ghostly woman" also confused me: is she a symbol of a person's depression? In that case, KEEGAN must be a real, visible character.

Best of luck with shooting this:-)