Hatcher Pass by  D Ross Kellett - Horror, Sci Fi - A young woman on a camping trip, trapped in a repeating nightmare where her friends are killed by cannibals, fights back to break the murderous cycle. 109 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A preemptive thank you to anyone offering feedback on my latest screenplay, HATCHER PASS. I will reciprocate all reviews.

Congrats on writing a feature!  8)

Have you tried posting on the script exchange board? http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

It can be tricky to get feedback on a feature. Sometimes it's easier if you offer to exchange with someone.  :)

D Ross,
Take the tip; do a script exchange.

That being said, I read your script.  Here's the bad news.  I'm pretty certain I'm old enough to  be your grandfather; father age definitely.  I write soupy, dramedies;  one feature and a bunch of shorts.  Believe me, not your kind of stuff.  No reciprocation necessary.

I'm not a fan of horror and gore.  Just trying to expand my "knowledge genre bridge". I can't even watch "The Walking Dead". Your Logline met my requirement.  So,  you may want to scrap the rest of this now.

You're obviously schooled in Screenplay writing format; nothing to add here.

Anyway,  initially I was concerned with the story overall structure, the "LONESOME COUNTRY MUSIC" builds and I'm hearing Sonny and Cher, I GOT YOU BABE, Bill Murray, Groundhog Day. Once I got into it; no concern.  A difficult writing task to repeat actions,scenes, dialogue and keep the story visually interesting.  I thought you did this well.
Your strong suit was your character descriptions and dialogue banter; creative, cute, enjoyable and most importantly, believable.  Occaisionally, overwritten perhaps. But we all get carried away at times.   The gore, the blood, the graphic violence was...colorful and exciting; amen.

So, Angela discovers she can kill them, when BABY falls over the trip wire.  She connects the 3 red evergreen tree logos on the store roof, to their tatoos and goes on the offensive.  I wondered at first how she found their farmhouse?  Once you reveal that Oliver is running the show, anything that happens or happened became possible.   Yes, the ending was a surprise and satisfying;  She eliminates the cannibal family, becomes a happy video game character and  gets her man.  All thanks to game creator, nerdy Oliver.

"You're the creator.  You made every tree, every cloud, every person in this world.  You owe me better than that."  Oliver can't look her in the eye.

Oliver had a thing for Angela from the start of the "game". Why wouldn't Oliver as creator go for the gold?  Nah, Your ending is better.

Nice job.  Good luck with it.

JJ

Thanks for the review. I'll definitely do a script exchange.

I meant what I said... I'll take a look at your work and give you a review. I'm not a big fan of the horror genre either. That's why Hatcher Pass has that sci-fi element to it. But I've found that a slick low-budget horror/thriller is a great way to break into Hollywood. I used to write big epics or high-concept comedies but I didn't land an agent until I started writing horror.

Ultimately it comes down to the writing. A good script is a good script, no matter the genre. If soupy drama is your thing, then become great at that thing!

@angelus77

I read this over the weekend, but didn't leave any comments.  I still have notes to finish up on a couple of other scripts. So give me a few days to give you my overall thoughts on "Hatcher Pass."

In general, I thought the mood was good, nice visuals, the pacing was good -- maybe a little too much set up at the beginning.   Oh... lemme just say, I wasn't necessarily hooked on the horror, per se, but this one grabbed my attention for the science fiction element.  

You mentioned this...

Quoted Text It's Friday the 13th meets Groundhog's Day!

Probably, but for me, obvious influences that came to mind was the visceral, terrifying experience in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”   And the waking up again and again feels very "Edge of Tomorrow." You know, Cage finds himself inexplicably thrown into a time loop-forcing him to live out the same brutal combat over and over, fighting and dying again...and again.  But with each battle, Cage becomes able to engage the adversaries with increasing skill...

Anyway, I'll be back, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Ghostie

Thanks, Ghostwriter. Any script of yours I can review?

Quoted from JakeJon D Ross, Take the tip; do a script exchange. That being said, I read your script.  Here's the bad news.  I'm pretty certain I'm old enough to  be your grandfather; father age definitely.  I write soupy, dramedies;  one feature and a bunch of shorts.  Believe me, not your kind of stuff.  No reciprocation necessary. I'm not a fan of horror and gore.  Just trying to expand my "knowledge genre bridge". I can't even watch "The Walking Dead". Your Logline met my requirement.  So,  you may want to scrap the rest of this now. You're obviously schooled in Screenplay writing format; nothing to add here. Anyway,  initially I was concerned with the story overall structure, the "LONESOME COUNTRY MUSIC" builds and I'm hearing Sonny and Cher, I GOT YOU BABE, Bill Murray, Groundhog Day. Once I got into it; no concern.  A difficult writing task to repeat actions,scenes, dialogue and keep the story visually interesting.  I thought you did this well. Your strong suit was your character descriptions and dialogue banter; creative, cute, enjoyable and most importantly, believable.  Occaisionally, overwritten perhaps. But we all get carried away at times.   The gore, the blood, the graphic violence was...colorful and exciting; amen. So, Angela discovers she can kill them, when BABY falls over the trip wire.  She connects the 3 red evergreen tree logos on the store roof, to their tatoos and goes on the offensive.  I wondered at first how she found their farmhouse?  Once you reveal that Oliver is running the show, anything that happens or happened became possible.   Yes, the ending was a surprise and satisfying;  She eliminates the cannibal family, becomes a happy video game character and  gets her man.  All thanks to game creator, nerdy Oliver. "You're the creator.  You made every tree, every cloud, every person in this world.  You owe me better than that."  Oliver can't look her in the eye. Oliver had a thing for Angela from the start of the "game". Why wouldn't Oliver as creator go for the gold?  Nah, Your ending is better. Nice job.  Good luck with it. JJ

Thanks, JakeJon, do you have a script in mind for me to review? I think something's wrong with my computer and I'm having trouble seeing your script submissions.

writing!

This is an absolutely fantastic screenplay!  Well paced, razor-sharp dialogue, and very well written action.

I don't really have any notes for you, but I did have a question.  Years ago, there was another screenplay on this site called "Starvation Gulch" and certain parts of the first act and the characters reminded me of this script.  Are you also the author of "Starvation Gulch" ?

Quoted from Digitaldecayfilms This is an absolutely fantastic screenplay!  Well paced, razor-sharp dialogue, and very well written action. I don't really have any notes for you, but I did have a question.  Years ago, there was another screenplay on this site called "Starvation Gulch" and certain parts of the first act and the characters reminded me of this script.  Are you also the author of "Starvation Gulch" ?

Wow... can't believe you remembered that one! Yes, Starvation Gulch was mine. I essentially took the first 30 pages, tweaked a few things, and then added the Groundhog's Day meets Cabin in the Woods twist.

Great catch!

That's fantastic!  I REALLY REALLY loved that screenplay, one of the best un-produced works I've ever read.

I really dislike horror - but read the first 20 to broaden my horizons.

1. Solid writing. Descriptions in the first scene were especially vivid.

2. Dialogue - in general, solid.

My only critique, and it may not be fair since I read 20, is that the characters struck me  as stereotypes.  A jock, a stoner, a girl into her looks, etc. Made me hesitant to go on the journey with them. I would have been more interested if they were different from what I was used to seeing.

You definitely have talent.

Quoted from eldave1 I really dislike horror - but read the first 20 to broaden my horizons. 1. Solid writing. Descriptions in the first scene were especially vivid. 2. Dialogue - in general, solid. My only critique, and it may not be fair since I read 20, is that the characters struck me  as stereotypes.  A jock, a stoner, a girl into her looks, etc. Made me hesitant to go on the journey with them. I would have been more interested if they were different from what I was used to seeing. You definitely have talent.

Thank you for the comment but, as a general rule, I wouldn't review a script unless I had read the entire work. Especially true in this case. You will see why these characters are written as stock horror movie cliches once you read a bit further. Hint: it ties in with the twist.

I look forward to your thoughts if you have a chance to finish.

just finished another pass, thank you all for the feedback!

new notes from a producer just came in. trying to get the Act 1 break to page 25... and trying to get the total page count around 100. Wish me luck!

Hey, D

I just saw a trailer for some movie haha that is currently escaping my mind that had the same hook, Groundhog's Day. The trailer I saw looked interesting, and so does your premise.

I do wish it included a little more of a hint of the "young woman" characteristic. But, that's just nit picking. Going to give the first 10 a read and see where it takes me.

BLB

Quoted from Busy Little Bee Hey, D I just saw a trailer for some movie haha that is currently escaping my mind that had the same hook, Groundhog's Day. The trailer I saw looked interesting, and so does your premise. I do wish it included a little more of a hint of the "young woman" characteristic. But, that's just nit picking. Going to give the first 10 a read and see where it takes me. BLB

I would encourage you to read well past the first 10. The first act is specifically set up to mirror the typical beginning of any slasher film. The fun Groundhog Day stuff doesn't happen until Act 2.

OMG I'm just now reading this and it's VERY good so far. Well written, fast paced, and the dialogue banter is cracking me up!!! I'll add more comments as I continue to read, but so far good job!! I'm digging it

Sorry to post a double comment but I literally just finished reading this and I liked it a lot! I thought it was very good, entertaining... I'm not going to lie, it did get somewhat repetitive, but I suppose that's the point of the plot, eh? Haha... I was honestly surprised as all hell by the ending though. Great twist. And it was a nice change to actually have a HAPPY ENDING... I liked this a lot. Great great job, and much luck to you!

Quoted from Tyler King Sorry to post a double comment but I literally just finished reading this and I liked it a lot! I thought it was very good, entertaining... I'm not going to lie, it did get somewhat repetitive, but I suppose that's the point of the plot, eh? Haha... I was honestly surprised as all hell by the ending though. Great twist. And it was a nice change to actually have a HAPPY ENDING... I liked this a lot. Great great job, and much luck to you!

Thanks for the kind comments. Glad you enjoyed it! The script was selected as a Quarter Finalist in this year's Screencraft Sci-Fi competition and I'm sure it will place even higher in the horror category once those results come out.

I'm not sure how much further I can take this script. I thought the idea was original... then I caught the trailer for Happy Death Day. Pretty much exactly the same concept (although probably minus the twist at the end).

So she might be dead in the water...

Just finished the script. A heck of a lot of fun. I hadn't read the logline, so I was expecting something like Jack Ketchum's The Offspring or the Wrong Turn movies. It was a nice surprise when the entire movie rebooted at page 30-something. And you have a great style, your often humourous way of describing things really adding to the plot.

Though there are a few similar ideas out there (Blood Punch, Mine Games are some that come to mind) yours is easily the most entertaining take on the "time loop" idea.

It might be interesting if another character (if it's a multiplayer game where you can play as a good guy or bad guy) is aware of the cycle as well, perhaps a villain, and it trying to break the cycle too. Might be a nice final line from a villain (something like "I thought it would end this time"). But that might be dumb, just hate to think of the script as dead in the water. It's a really good one.

Quoted from Cacutshaw Just finished the script. A heck of a lot of fun. I hadn't read the logline, so I was expecting something like Jack Ketchum's The Offspring or the Wrong Turn movies. It was a nice surprise when the entire movie rebooted at page 30-something. And you have a great style, your often humourous way of describing things really adding to the plot. Though there are a few similar ideas out there (Blood Punch, Mine Games are some that come to mind) yours is easily the most entertaining take on the "time loop" idea. It might be interesting if another character (if it's a multiplayer game where you can play as a good guy or bad guy) is aware of the cycle as well, perhaps a villain, and it trying to break the cycle too. Might be a nice final line from a villain (something like "I thought it would end this time"). But that might be dumb, just hate to think of the script as dead in the water. It's a really good one.

Thank you for your comments, and glad you liked it. The more I thought it was a wholly original idea the more I am discovering other horror films with a similar spin. However, I remain hopeful for a good result in the Horror category for that screenplay competition then hopefully some interest from an indie producer.

So, no, it's not dead in the water completely. Just sitting in the middle of the ocean and the raft has sprung a leak.

Hi Ross

I read your script yesterday and  REALLY liked it!
You have an excellent writing style, inspired descriptions and some cool dialogue.
I really enjoyed the concept and the script is very well paced. Certainly doesn't
read like a first draft ;)

A few minor things caught my eye:

Page 13: Angela keels over and vomits.

I think that's too strong. I would write something like: "Angela gags, turning her head away in disgust" or something like that.

Page 19: "Signal's dead. I got nothing. No bars. We've officially discovered
the only place in America without any bars." - "...without any reception"
The second "bars" kind of broke the flow for me while reading.

Page 23: "Oh yeah, me too. I love camping without a tent. My mom made me bring it." Was that meant to be sarcastic? It's not evident to me, especially with Angela's response "If you three start comparing the size of your dicks, we're leaving.". If i wasn't meant to be sarcastic, I think it's a weird line, even for a nerd like Oliver. But hey, maybe it's just the language barrier (I'm not a native speaker).

Page 29:
INT. ANGELA'S TENT - NIGHT
Angela holds a pillow over her ears. No use. Hayley’s SCREAMS
make it through.
She SIGHS. Frustrated. Exits her tent.
Her wounded hand leaves a blood stain on the tent flap.

It sounds like she's laying in her tent, fully in control of herself and the moment she exits, she's on a trip to the moon from Tyler's pill. I would write something like:
Angela is moaning like an anaesthesized kid at the dentist.
Make it clear that she is already high as a kite before exiting the tent.

Page 87:

Her weight lifts Scar into the air.

So Scar is even lighter than Angela? :)

As I said, most of these notes are absolutely minor things that don't impede the story and are mostly a matter of personal taste.

If I may ask: How many scripts have you written to get to this level?

I read that this script has drawn interest from a producer. Congratulations and good luck on the further process!

Best regards

Optioned.

Congats!

Damn it... now that it’s been optioned the script has been removed, and that’s why I want to read it. Any chance?