Perhaps, A New Start by Ronald Pergola - Short, Drama - Two widowed seniors embark on a trek from loneliness. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Ronald a few thoughts...

There's some odd wording and phrases, worth considering if they work in the context you use them, e.g. caress a bouquet of daisies... this sounds a little off (imho)... Margaret doesn't acknowledge Phil's silent greeting, what sort of greeting is it then as there's no description.

The ending... I got a little confused, they are sitting at the table with plates with flowers on them, yet the settings are described as vacant... this lost me.

Overall I think it is well written, sweet enough tale but it doesn't really have any conflict, seems to be just two old people who bump into each other a few times and then have dinner.

Anthony

Some notes.

Good job. This is a simple tale of two old people who can't forget their lost ones and yet need to reach out.  It works for me, although it lacks conflict.  Need something to jazz it up a bit.  Otherwise, too familiar.

Best
Richard

Anthony,
Thanks for the read and thoughts. Thrilled you gave it a look.
I must say I'm a little uncomfortable responding to your comments.  It's like the student throwing chalk at the professor.  I'm certain I will never win a screenwriting award so please forgive me if I'm "out of bounds" with my response.

My short screenplay was an attempt to convey a story and message through "SUBTEXT".  Hence, NO DIALOGUE; specifically, No OTN dialogue. In addition, I tried to limit the OVERWRITTEN actions and scene descriptions.  Unfortunately,  what lies beneath the SUBTEXT for the writer may not always "visualize" the same for the reader.  Perhaps a reason that writers and directors sometimes chat before filming.

Regarding: "His hands caress a bouquet of WILD DAISIES".  
OTN:                          PHIL
            Hi, Honey.  Sorry I missed you yesterday.   Picked
           your favorites this morning.  From that hill,
           overlooking the park where we met.  You remember.  That's right 48
           years ago.  You said, "I love daisies.  They're so pure,
           unpretentious....."
or
OVERWRITTEN:
Phil holds a bouquet of flowers as tears roll down his face.  The bouquet is placed beneath the gravestone.  
My beloved wife SOPHIA" 1920 - 1990 etched on the stone.  Phil removes a handkerchief from...

SUBTEXT
His hands caress a bouquet of WILD DAISIES.
Caress is a term of endearment  and Daisies are  flowers for "lovers"  (She loves me, she loves me not).


Re:  Margaret doesn't acknowledge Phil's silent greeting.  You ask, "what sort of greeting is it then as there's no description"?   My response, "a silent one".  Perhaps, a stare, a smile, a helpful hand while packing, etc.
Phil's eyes follow Margaret out as she exits.  I think it's apparent that Phil is interested.  IMHO, The director and actors can figure out the silent greeting.

Re: the vacant place settings. I should have been more specific here.  Did you not visualize that I was including the seats as part of the settings?  I did write vacant "place settings" so I understand the confusion.

Finally, " ...doesn't really have any conflict, seems to be just two old people who bump into each other a few times and then have dinner."  WOW!  I'm figuring you're a young whipper snapper.

Maybe  two OLD PEOPLE, who have lost  loving companions of 50 years;  might have a difficult time adjusting to being alone, living alone.  A whole new existence.  Conflict. No?


Stealing a concept from an old SNL bit. Christopher Guest and Billy Crystal - Willie and Frankie

"sometimes I get so defensive, I can't shut up, say too much, go to far.  I hate when I do that!"

JJ

Hey JJ

Ha, screenwriting awards are two a penny - so throw chalk and stand up for your script!

Caress - just meant that it seemed (to me) and odd description of a thing to do to flowers, a lover yes, flowers... but your script so go for it.

Silent greeting, exactly, so say one of those examples you give, then a prospective reader knows what you mean, imho actors and directors are as likely to interpet it wrong ;-)

I like being described as a young whipper snapper, but not sure mid 40s qualifies ;-) by conflict I meant something that makes them achieving their goal difficult, or more difficult... BUT it can play exactly as it is too.

Best

Anthony

Anthony & R,
Thanks again for the read and feedback.

All is appreciated.

JJ

I really, really liked this. Read really quickly. Technically, no problems at all. I would agree with what other's have said regarding conflict.

When I was reading it I imagined it playing out like a TV advert, very cute story. As it is, it works well. And it would be really nice and cheap to film, and would look really good in the right hands.

Good luck with this. :)

"A Lass From Belfast"?

Actually, received an e-mail from an aspiring storyboard artist who wants to "storyboard" the script;  add it to her portfolio.

Really flattered!  Can't wait to see the results.

Thanks for the read and the encouraging words.

We'll see what happens.

JJ

Lad*, from Belfast, hahaha. But you're forgiven, lol.

That's awesome stuff, make sure to share them on here!

Sorry  about the Lass mistake.

Picture threw me off.

Hi JJ.

You gave my comedy short a nice critique, the zany one with the over the top cockney accent...anyway I read this not realising who you were, so I'm glad to say I  enjoyed this and thought it was  very sweet. Nicely written. 'A muffled, breathy snoring, occasionally, upsets the open bag of pop corn in his lap.' I like the way this reads and the good visual I get from it. Nice work.

I lalso like that it's visual with no dialogue. It's gives the viewer more to think about.
This piece says alot about very deep and difficult emotions. I personally don't care about conflict in this, I think the conflict is already there, in the storyline...they are dealing with loss, loneliness and being elderly....

And congrats on getting it storyboarded!

I have found this story very delicate and emotional...two old people find companionship/love after personal tragedies. This is real life my friends. Style can always be massaged...what is important is the message.
Great job.
Best,
Fausto

This was quite poignant. I absolutely fucking love the ending scene - perfect!

Quoted Text Margaret rises from her seat at the end of a pew. She walks to an isolated alcove and lights a votive candle

Missing a period at the end.

Great job here.

K, F and ed1,
"Ain't life grand"!  Warren Beatty to Gene Hackman,   Bonnie and Clyde.

Thanks for the read and feedback.

JJ