NoName by Lavingston Humes - Short, Action - A short torture scene in a dark basement. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

L,
I thought your short had a little of that "Pulp Fiction" kinda'  tone; Jackson and Travolta.  So, Good I guess.   Maybe it was the burger thing combined with their nonchalant execution of the torture.  Your set up scene was descriptive enough for me.  (Delete the " Here" maybe, we know where we are.).  

Also,  A couple of other nits:

pg 5 "Spilling all the "cool" water onto the ground"  Ya don't need "cool".
  
Also,  Pg 6  I'm pretty sure it's  brass knuckles not  "brace".

And, pg 4,     "....and his two captures", captors, I think.

Another suggestion: check out your  is's, are's and ing's;  to make your actions less passive.

One example:  Pg.1 " His face is swollen in several spots"  could be "His face swells in several spots."  and  Pg.2   Bob struggles and screams in his restraints,  instead of "Bob begins struggling in his restraints and screaming ...    Just suggestions.

I thought there was a very concise, lucid flow to your short.  Brutal, slightly dark and slightly humorous.  Easy to read and probably easy to film.   Maybe a few fixes?
Good Stuff.

JJ

Some notes.

This one needs work. It is not well-written.  Some examples.

The opening slug line says it's a basement, and then you repeat that info in the description.
'he has looks to be in his late twenties' is a poor construction.  Just say 'late 20s' and you're done.
Joshua carries a ... with him' could be Joshua carries...'  If he carries it, it's with him.
In addresses, you use commas.  'good morning sunshine' should be 'good morning, sunshine'
'Annoyed; he pull out...'  Doesn't work.  'Annoyed, he pulls out....'  
'Bob immediately stop'  No.  'Bog immediately stops'

That's in the first 2 pages, and it's not all the changes that could and should be made.

As far as the story goes, it's not much of a story.  It seems to gratuitous violence for the sake of violence.  I think you might do well to read some good scripts and study how writers create mood and character and tell a story.

Best
Richard

Maybe you could make getting the money harder, by having some kind of obstacle. I don't think torturing someone and having the victim come clean about everything is enough for an interesting story. I'm nitpicking but 'of course' on page 8... Would Joshua say that? He sounds a bit easy going there, even though he is so brutal. Can't think of anything else to say really. (You may have noticed). Other than I thought it was well written.

“NoName” Review

So, two bad dudes have a guy hung up from which they need info from. Issue I have with this, is that it borrows heavily from something that is well known…Pulp Fiction’s Jules and Vincent. Which can be okay if you do something different with them, in this case, it seems like you just watched pulp fiction and wrote something shortly after.

Pros
+ Written well in some spots (very active)

+Did a decent job writing visually

+A pretty easy read…

Cons

-Misspellings all over, mainly with words that are basic words “Brass” and I believe “with” was used wrong on a few occasions.

-Didn’t really care about anyone involved. Came off superficial.

-Seems unfinished. The story behind why this guy is being held is only touched on in a fleeting moment, other than that, its just some dudes beating this guy up and eating hamburgers.

-Doesn’t really go anywhere. They get the info, and just eat hamburgers…which happens through out the script. I was more interested on if these burgers were really any good than what was going on as it seemed like a poorly disguised ad for these burgers.

Conclusion

I think you have the tools to write something even better. It shows, and you should stick with it, seriously. It’s obvious to tell whom at least one of your influences is. Just keep on putting pen to paper, you can only get better.

Good luck to you…