A Promise Made Is A Debt Unpaid by Jade Robbins - Short, Thriller, Drama, Western - A gold miner vows to cremate his dying friend in the biting cold of the Yukon despite all the obstacles in his path. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Jade,

So I found this then, very late, but I found it!

Firstly, just a few pointers. I know some people seem to put their addresses on the front of their scripts, but I wouldn't do it as there's some right weirdos out there in the world. If you've got a PO Box, that'd probably do it, or just stick to your email address.

Next, formatting stuff. Everything appears to be in bold, definitely don't do that. Little things like the scene heading starting bottom of P1, and then starting on P2, just push it all onto P2 so it reads better. Some of the descriptions seem to be in the past tense, make them present.

There also appears to be quite a lot of direction in the script, such as the intro at the beginning. Wipe this if this is a spec script, or bulk up the rest of the work and correctly format it if this is a shooting script. It's kinda got a foot in both camps at the moment, and this will wind some people up.

Now, having said the above, I've no idea how this has hung around un-commented on for so long. I suspect people may have taken a look and been put off by the bold text and direction angle right at the beginning. Once you break through this, the script for myself was a brilliant read. It's very poetic, has clear and crisp descriptions (I really felt the cold and got the scenery), and it just came together very well. It's gritty and you feel the pain and mental torment, it really hits.

You've got a load of VO, some won't like this, but if used properly in a good script this doesn't make a difference. You've used it well and this is a good script (aside from formatting).

Another comment I have is that this has got more of a horror edge to it, certainly didn't feel like a thriller. If you redo the formatting, give a mod a shout and get it into the horror section.

Again, I'm really surprised this hasn't appeared to get any love. Iron out the issues regarding direction and formatting and get it back out there.

Good Work,

Cam

Hmm. Well, I do recall checking this one out long ago and yes - was put off by the all bold. But more than that, what bothered me was that much  of it was directly lifted or paraphrased from the poem written by Robert Service (you can see the poem here).

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/45081

The writer does state: "based on the poem the cremation of Sam McGee". But in some many places it is the poem - just broken up in script format. So, while on first read I loved the dialogue and the imagery, I felt that I really couldn't credit the writer since much of it was from the poem.

For example, if you what a script based on "Casey at the Bat" and used most of the poem in the script - is that a script or just a rearrangement of the poem? Maybe folks wiser than me would know.

Hey Dave,

All I can say is, ahhhh, that makes sense now. I should have paid far more attention at the beginning, I wasn't aware of the poem or the poet.

Right then, that presents huge issues with my review as there'll be copyrighting problems, and it isn't as original as I thought then. I guess the vivid descriptions still work, but the creative angle has kinda piggybacked onto the poem which is a big problem.

Cheers Dave,

Cam

Yeah, I'm not smart enough to know where the divide is (i.e., fair use vs. plagiarism). I think it was an honest effort since the writer cited the source - just not original work