Bricktown Heros by Eric Dickson - Drama - A martial artist on college scholarship returns home following his father's untimely death.  To help his financially strapped family, he becomes a shifty loan shark's golden ticket in an underground fighting circuit.  125 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Eric: I hesitate to comment because it does look like you generally know what you're doing.

That being said:

The first few pages are filled with camera directions - generally a no-no. e.g., this

Quoted Text An OVERHEAD SHOT of a teenage BOY (13) as he floats on a raft, black shades on, swim trunks, hands behind his head as he stares at the sky. CLAY (V.O.) When I was a kid, I used to spend hours floating on the lake behind our house. Just staring up at the clouds, music blasting in my ear, trying to drown out the sound of Mom and Dad fighting.

Would normally just be:

CLAY (13) floats on a
raft, black shades on, swim trunks, hands behind his
head as he stares up at the sky.

You can get rid of the CONT'Ds when the character is talking on the same page.

Anyway - like I said - you probably already know this

I just finished a page one overhaul of this thing after not touching it in three years.  Added lots of conflict and obstacles for our protagonist to overcome.  A much richer backstory between Clay and his estranged mother and father.  Some much needed humor with the character of Kristi, Clay's baby sister and some surprise twists with regard to the death of Clay's father.  It's a much richer and thoughtful story than before and focuses more on the relationships of the characters than action sequences and the same old cliches.  

The new draft should be up in a few days.  

Nice flowery style of writing! Would be great for a novel, could put some people off the script I guess. But you can't please everybody all the time. I found some unfilmables such as 'But it's all down hill from here.'
I stopped reading as soon as the blood started squirting but I may get over it in the future and read more of the script.

Please do, I need the feedback.  This was originally written for director Sam Logan Khaleghi and choreographer Jesse Crawfis but they backed out last minute.  I hadn't touched it in forever but felt the need to go back and fix it up.