Envisage by Robert McBride - Short, Thriller - When an ex-thug falls in love with the woman of his dreams, he realizes he's made the biggest mistake of his life. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

What's up with the few pages that are blue?

Also, when writing someone's age, pick a format (spelling it out, using parentheses, whatever) and stay consistent.

Lastly, where are you from? I only ask because you said "flavors" but then later "laboured." When I see that, I think of the European usage of "ou" in words that here in the states only use an "o."

Color - Colour
Labor - Labour
Flavor - Flavour
Harbor - Harbour

You get the idea.

Hi Robert,

Not a fan of the fancy title page.

Quoted Text Dark as Hell, and the fog makes it almost impossible to see.

Something about this doesn't seem right.

Quoted Text EXT. STREET - SAME NIGHT

I'd stick to DAY or NIGHT, if it is absolutely critical to your story that audience be aware that this is the same night then you can find a better way to make that link through action or dialogue.

Quoted Text This type of cold makes you angry.

I don't mind the odd aside or unfilmable but this one serves no purpose at all.

Already mentioned, but yes keep the ages to either a number or a word.

Quoted Text The cold seems to be the last thing on his mind

Okay, there are too many unfilmables creeping in now, ill stop mentioning them but how can we visually see what is on his mind? A script needs to be visual.

Definitely need to fix the blue pages.

Quoted Text EXT. VARIOUS STREETS - SAME NIGHT Lawrence wanders aimlessly down the side of the highway as cars pass by.

VARIOUS STREETS, yet he only wonders down the side of one highway?

Quoted Text Think Denzel in Training Day.

I don't think this works, why not describe your character and give him Denzel like qualities if that's what you are going for?

Random stars down the side of the page?

Quoted Text Peter flashes a hint of a smile. Something in Peter’s eyes says: “you’re alright with me... But don’t fuck up.”

Going to need a bloody good actor to portray all of that in his eyes.

Quoted Text INT. DINER - LATER

If nothing else has changed, you can just use LATER.

Quoted Text CUT TO: Lawrence staring at himself through a mirror. Reflecting on the man he was, looking at the man he is. He smiles. Pleased. We’re in --

I feel like there should be a scene change before this.

Quoted Text KRSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Lose the sound effect, we all know what smashing glass sounds like.

I think there is definitely a story in there.

The constant scene jumping can be handled better.

There are way, way, way too many unfilmables throughout the whole script.

As a whole I didn't mind it, but it needs a lot of tidying up, and I mean a lot.

All the best.

Okay - first, I liked the story. How do I know? You had two blue pages with edit asterisks right in the middle of it which would normally cause me to bail - but I didn't.  

My criticism - there are times where your writing gets in the way.  Just too many clever asides. I normally don't mind them (actually like them if they enhance the tone). But just too many instances where I could feel the writer interrupting the story. he Denzel Washington reference comes to mind.  It's like, I'm with you - in the story - and then my train of interest gets derailed by something like that.

I think you have talent - tone the over writing down and clean up the typos, etc. you will have something.