Hoods, Swords, and Capes

Hi, Toualith. I read your submission, here are my thoughts:

PREMISE
The premise is compelling, but the first episode needs to deliver more of the goods. The opening interview scene is not compelling enough. Particularly in a series with an ensemble cast, you need to start the story with velocity. Give the audience something exciting in the beginning, something that will hold them over until you’ve got some of the character exposition out of the way. So:

The disastrous asteroid shower is intriguing - this should be part of the opening scene. OR:
Show a hint of the characters’ strange abilities before the flashback starts.

DIALOG
Some of the dialog could use more polish, some of it was missing the cadence and flow of natural conversation.

Some of the philosophical dialog and the nostalgic dialog is too on-the-nose:

"What happened to the time when what we were doing was driven by strong convictions, integrity?"
“The daily dose of morphine you use to run away from your past in Cote d’Ivoire”
"European individualism has a way of travestying the sense of family"

Try to find a way to soften lines these, make them a little more subtle, more indirect.

CHARACTERS
The characters aren’t bad, there’s certainly potential in each of them.

But I want to like them more.  On your next pass, I would endeavor to give them a little more charm, empathy, and wit.  The more we like characters, the more we’ll care about what happens to them.

STORY
The overall structure is solid.  You have set up a few mysteries: The asteroids and the geotechnical weapon.  There’s a lot of rich potential here, and you should give a few more morsels to the audience to whet their appetite.

The characters should be more pro-active in discovering clues to the mysteries.  This will create a stronger connection between the characters and us, the audience.  We see what they see, we discover what they discover, WE want to know what THEY want to know.

PROSE
The descriptions get the job done, but there are areas where extraneous details or oddly phrased sentences create confusion.  The descriptions could also benefit from some more lyricism and visual imagery.

OVERALL
You put a lot of effort into Hoods, Swords & Capes.  I think it needs more work, but I also think there are large reserves of untapped potential that lie in wait.

It’s hard not to draw a comparison to shows like Heroes or Sense8.  I would watch the first season of each (and find the pilot script of each, which can be found online) to see how the ensembles of characters were expertly woven together... and the ways in which the greater mysteries unfolded.

I think the same can be done with Hoods, Swords & Capes, but keep in mind that you need to find ways to keep your show different enough so that does not appear derivative.

All-in-all, it’s a solid effort with lots of potential.

TECHNICAL OBSERVATIONS
There are a lot of pages where you add emotion parentheticals: (Serious tone) (Angrily) (Sternly) (With Anger) (Scoffs).  In a lot of cases, you don't need these.  Particularly if the dialog is reworded well, the character's tone will be implicit.

"Black Molly" is an old term for Speed.  But Kevin's friends mention morphine.  Is Kevin taking multiple drugs?  It's a little unclear.

(pause) can replaced by a period, a comma, or "…"  If you want to use a parenthetical, (beat) is traditionally used on a separate line.  So:

DARK HOOD
Well Jessica, life used to be poetic before (pause) you know.

Should be:

DARK HOOD
Well Jessica, life used to be poetic before...
(beat)
You know.

MINUTIAE
I have a page-by-page list of grammar and other smaller issues.  Let me know if you want me to send them to you.

Keep on writing!
|.  .  |  .|

A few more thoughts:

P.21: The phone conversation between Shinji & Daryl is too expository.  Daryl is giving everything away at once, this info should be discovered/disseminated over multiple scenes.

P.43: I like the substance of Kevin & Megan’s conversation here, it could be even stronger if their dialog was a little more emotional, had a little more lyricism to it.

P.45: This is way too late in the story to have the first action scene.  You need a couple more action scenes earlier in the story to keep the pace brisk.

P.50: Again, Daryl is giving out all the information.  Daryl and Shinji should be proactive in discovering clues during the episode, until they have enough information to reach their conclusions.

P.56: It's obvious the masked men were hired by Shinji's mother, so there's no surprise here.  Would she really endanger her son & family to get Daryl?  I understand your goals with this scene,  but the circumsatnces (and the Daryl/Nakamura conspiracy) feel inelegant and a bit contrived.  But I think it can be re-worked to accomplish what you need.

Again, let me know if you want me to PM you the grammar & spelling issues, or if you want me to post them here.

I hope you find the feedback useful, keep on writing!

|.  .  |  .|

Print Topic