Araz, written by Zara. I get it!
I gave the first five pages a read. There are some technical points that require attention:
The BACK TO, CUT TO, and DISSOLVE TO are not required between every scene heading. These are used only in specific instances.
Don’t use camera directions in your description, this is the job of the director, not the screenwriter.
There are a lot of double-spaces in the middle of sentences.
FEMALE V.O.
Incorrect use of V.O: V.O. stands for voiceover, as in narration. If a person is speaking trough a device it would looksomething like this
FEMALE (PHONE)
FEMALE (TEXT)
FEMALE (SPEAKER)
FEMALE (TV)
On to the minutiae:
P.1: There is no description of what UNION HQ is, or what it looks like.
P.1:
Code A gold winged brooch is pinned to her face. |
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Ouch! That sounds painful. Is she wearing a golden mask, or does she actually have jewelry pinned directly to her face?
P.1:
Code Shots are being fired in the midst of all the yelling and screaming.
One rebel with a loaded weapon in his hand, throws himself into the cross fires and shouts |
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There is no setup, you dive right into a firefight without identifying who is shooting. In this whole sequence, it's unclear who is fighting who. How do we tell the two sides apart? Do they wear different uniforms or insignia? Who is attacking and who is defending? There needs to be a way for the reader (audience) to understand the factions, even if we don't yet know why they're battling each other.
P.2:
Code She remembers the gold winged brooch pinned on her shirt
(a unique design of a headset for operatives of the Union) |
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Now we know the brooch is a communicator, but it’s still confusing. A headset implies it being worn on the head or ear, why is it pinned to her shirt? Is the device like the
Star Trek: TNG insignia/communicator? Need to clarify.
P.2:
Code Kaija Davidson; Level 4 Operative Of The Union. Married. Mother of a young boy named, Kaj. |
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Unless you show the husband and son, the audience won't know this. The reader also won't know what a Level 4 Operative is either, there is no context.
P.2:
Should be
Also, why would Katja tell an enemy the location of her son?
P.2:
Code THE CITY OF EROS. U-SURBURBS |
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The reader (audience) doesn’t know what the Eros looks like, or what U Suburbs are, unless you describe them.
P.3:
Scanning through the script, this is the only mystery man, so just use MYSTERY MAN
P.3:
Code The mystery man tugs at his left ear lobe.
This subsequently activates the built-in frequency scanner he possess.
It picks up breathing. We hear the sound. It is very controlled.
He listens a little bit longer and can now pinpoint the location of the person he seeks. |
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Again, you’re telling the reader, but the audience won’t know what’s happening per se. The description here needs to be more visual, so the viewing audience sees/understands he has a hyper-sensitive listening device.
P.4:
Code Gregory Thirston is surrounded by a state of the art computer system and... his sandwhich. |
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I know what you’re going for here, but it still sounds like Gregory is surrounded by a giant sandwich (not sandwhich). ;D
P.5:
Code EXT. U-SURBURBS. ALLEYWAY. MIDNIGHT
The weather only worsens. Matthaeus takes cover under the sign of the vacant restaurant. |
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Instead use
Code EXT. VACANT RESTAURANT – MIDNIGHT
The weather only worsens. Matthaeus takes cover from the rain under the restaurant’s sign. |
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Frankly, that’s as far as I got.
It was hard to get a foothold on the story when I don’t know anything. You don’t need to explain everything right out of the gate, but you need supply enough so that the reader/audience can attain purchase - some kind of compass to get their bearings.
The script needs more effective descriptions to clarify both the action, and the world in which the action is happening (A future dystopia? A steampunk past? Present day?). As well as some better characterization & personality - like you did with the Gregory character.
Best of luck, keep on writing
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