Winter Coffee by Ben Kessler - Short, Comedy - A short about trying to get a warm coffee on a cold day. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Funny little script. Very well written, easy to visualize. Didn't really see the point in naming any of the characters, as they are never addressed by name. Not much else to say other than I liked it. The 'click' at the end gave me a chuckle. Good work.

~Zack~

I liked the you highlighted the comedy of human nature. You showed how something as simple as wanting to get out of the cold to get coffee, can turn into a huge catastrophy. The whole time, I visualized a short film on that one.

I have two shorts on here: Funded and Unkept Dreams under Shorts/drama, I would love getting you're input.

Some notes.

This is a nice little comedic tale, and it works.  You might add a few items to break up the emphasis on Jake.  One, add that people are engrossed on phones or tablets.  two, have someone shout for Jake to shut the door.  You might consider having Bill unravel the scarf without Jake's help, and of course they get into a little hand fighting.  And instead of Bill, make it an attractive female which flummoxes Jake more than ever.

Best
Richard

Hey Ben,

Who likes short shorts? I like short shorts! And I also liked this short, even though it was a little bit too short. It reads like an American Mr Bean disaster piece, with a bit of talking, but yeh it's awkward as hell and visually very well crafted and funny.

My initial feelings are to blow the piece out by a couple of pages, but then again it works well as it is at the moment so maybe just leave it.

Oh, and make sure you get your (c) copyright nonsense on your cover just in case someone nicks it.

Good work

Cam

Hey Ben,

Not sure if your around though I thought I would take a look and give you a few comments.

The Logline does need work and please never start a logline with "A story about...."
Maybe use something like "Jake hustles down a cold NY street in search of a coffee"

Also the title "Winter Coffee" is a bit generic for my liking...

The dialogue does need some work as it feels overly repetitive to the point where it doesn't feel natural. Maybe just ease up a touch.

Also you are repeating the locations...
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNNG
and the first action line says "Jake opens the glass door to the coffee shop...."
We already now it's a coffee shop.

Also does the door open inwards or outwards ??? If it opens inwards and hits Bill, wouldn't it be better to say "Jake pushes the glass door......"

Also you go from EXT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNNG to EXT. COFFEE SHOP - five minutes later
This doesn't work and may be best using... TIME PASSES instead of the EXT. COFFEE SHOP - five minutes later.

The following line needs to be trimmed as it is not only too long... It also becomes confusing.
"The line inches forward just enough for JAKE to open the
door. He opens to the door, pushing BILL just a little
further so he can squeeze through. JAKE rushes to push
through the opening, barely making it, and enters the
store."

Maybe...
"The line inches forward. A frustrated Jake pushes the
door as it hits Bill in the back. Jake squeeze through."
This is much shorter and tells us the same.

"A high end coffee shop" you need to show us it's a high end coffee shop not tell us.
Describe the shop and show us why it is high end ??? Quality furniture ? Expensive coffee etc

"JAKE, avoiding eye contact with everyone around him, slowly
plays with a glass piece with his foot. He sighs, slowly
opens the door, and steps out on the street."
Using slowly twice here does make it feel repetitive. Also needs to be trimmed.

The shattered glass is all over the floor... Why would he open the door to exit... Would it be funnier if he steps through the door instead... Grabs the handle from outside... Pulls it. It clicks closed... Shakes his head.

You only need to capitalize the characters names the first time they are introduced. It would also be worth adding their ages.

Just to let you know I haven't commented on any other screenplays on SS for a few years as I've been extremely busy with my own work and did a quick read and thought it had potential.

I am only commenting on this because I feel that with some changes and tightening up the action lines, this has potential to get produced as it is a fairly low budget and short in length.

I could go through it line by line though I really don't have the time and hope that what I've mentioned is a good start so that you can incorporate this throughout the screenplay as the tightening up will allow you to add more storyline due to all the fluff being removed.

Good luck and hope you do a rewrite and get it filmed.

Regards Alex  

@Disco Cactus - Thank you! Really appreciate it.

@JamesB - Thanks, that's what I was going for.  I'll be sure to take a look at your shorts and leave feedback on them.

@RichardR - Thank you! Great suggestions - I like the idea of Bill unraveling the scarf.

@Cammygray1983 - Haha thank you. I was definitely inspired by the Mr. Bean series.

@Alex_212 - I am around :) Good call on the log line / title.  Thanks for the very detailed feedback - this will help immensely when I do a rewrite.   I especially like your idea of having Jake step through the door instead.  Really appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback, Alex.

A pleasant little tale. Nice job.

@eldave1 - Thank you!