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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Horror  /  Getaway
Posted by: Don, January 22nd, 2017, 4:17pm
Getaway by Brian Lewis - Short, Horror - Murdering her husband was the easy part.  Now, after a chance encounter, Mary fears she might night survive the night. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Digitaldecayfilms, January 22nd, 2017, 8:40pm; Reply: 1
Thanks for putting this up!

This is a work of mine from years ago but I recently rediscovered it and wanted to test the waters to see if it was worth revisiting or if t belongs back in the file cabinet. 🙂
Posted by: Zack, January 22nd, 2017, 9:39pm; Reply: 2
Sounds interesting. I'll give it a look tonight and give you my thoughts. Heads up though, there's a typo in the logline. The first "night" should be "not" if I'm not mistaken. :)

~Zack~
Posted by: Zack, February 8th, 2017, 5:39pm; Reply: 3
Sorry it took so long to review this.

Some overly descriptive action lines almost right away. Remember... Show, don't tell.

Dialog is alright, but not as good as some of your other shorts. Some of it is quite on the nose.

Some odd descriptions that don't work IMO.

Page 6: A knife SLASHES through the younger woman's ankle, twisting.

How can you twist a knife if you are slashing at someone? I think SLASHES should be STABS.

This was a pretty good spin on the slasher genre, although I would have liked to see the masked man show up at the end as well, maybe attack the state trooper? I think I prefer "Pick Up" to this one. Either way, good job.

~Zack~
Posted by: stevemiles, February 10th, 2017, 4:13pm; Reply: 4
Brian,

This one didn’t quite click for me, though admittedly slasher isn’t my go to for horror - they all seem to play out to similar beats.  There’s enough action to pull me through and though it’s handled well I felt a little empty handed come the payoff.  I could get with (and enjoyed) the set-up - the murdered husband haunting Mary as she tries to get away.  But the moment the masked killer turned up it seemed to function more as an aside.  For me it was a more interesting idea than the random campsite massacre.  

The chance encounter felt like a stretch.  Fans of that genre might get more out of it.  I wonder if you could be having more fun with the idea over delivering it as a straight slasher?

If Mary’s actions somehow set in motion the means for her demise/capture (with less coincidence at play) then it could swing back around to a sweeter payoff.  Entertaining but all a bit too random for me - though again it’s a question of taste.

Hope this helps,

Steve
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