Into That Goodnight by Jaron Lanier - Short, Sci Fi - A young mother trying to raise a daughter alone, begins to suspect her anti-insomnia medication is altering her perception of reality in dangerous ways. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Oh yes.

Well done.

Lovely story.  Production quality.

Wow, I agree. That was really good. No complaints here.

Solid writing throughout.

Author did a great job in efficiently describing some very difficult visuals.

Dialogue is pretty much spot on.

A minor criticism - and maybe unfair given the limited number of pages - I would have liked the angst and the reality doubts of the mother to be drawn out a little more.

The ending was fine for a short - somehow I still wanted a little more - but again - it is a short.

My fav so far. Kudos to the author

An excellent piece.

Story moved along quickly due to the great writing and tone

Well done

Very well written.  Very well put together.  Very well conceived and plotted.

Dialogue is fine.  Visual writing is well done. Action is well done.

If everything is so well done, why don't I feel stronger about this script?  I don't know really.  But, I think once we started rehashing things exactly as they were laid out earlier, and Annie II appeared, something happened and I started losing interest.

It's going to be a contender, for sure, but for me, it's not something that will stick with me.

Good job, though on all fronts!

Have read this twice now and while the writing and structure is top notch, I'm still a little unsure about the ending.

Wasn't sure at first. The memory implants and school fight had me thinking that was the focus, but when the day repeated again it piqued my interest. ANNE II in the kitchen was a bit hard to follow as I think the action could have written a bit more clearly. Why the force field stopping her from tackling her doppelganger?

When the third day came is when things picked up and got a little freaky. And the end, as a parent, I'd be hard pressed not to do the same. The last scene was pulled off great and I actually FELT sad and creeped out once done. Not easy to do in a short at all. Quite good. Can't overstate how hard it is to actually get me to feel something when reading a script. Great premise. Great job.

Yep, I like it too, but the third act needs something more. Once we get to the loop, the loop,  ;D I started to feel a little less enamoured with the story. I can't suggest any tangible fix for that at the moment but it felt like a bigger surprise may be in store.

Anti-insomnia medication as opposed to insomnia medication? I dunno...

The subdermal implant is featured in a script I'm currently writing coincidentally, although mine also features cyborg x human creatives. Only mentioning this in case someone in the future thinks it was inspired by yours.

Nice work.

I agree with Libby (LC).  Once it started over, it felt like Groundhog day.  Which might be great to watch, but, I bet reading that screenplay was confusing.

I was lost a few times and it was because when I saw the loop, I started to skim.  I'm not sure how you fix that, but, perhaps you could have the mom say something a bit different, especially for the second time awake.

You allude to the fact that she senses something wrong, but, no where does it get stated.

You could also play with reality a bit more.

I also agree that you kinda lead us on about the fight.  I was a bit confused as to whether or not she was suffering this due to a malfunction of the device, medication, etc.

Perhaps you could also use that to your advantage.  One of the best I've read so far.

Dan

My favourite so far of the OWC scripts.  Well written, the idea was good, and nicely executed.  I'd say this is a contender.

All the best,

Javier

It's really good - I do think that the idea is not very new, a mother unable to cope with her daughters death withdraws from reality and delves on memories but it does read fresh since you incorporated lots of good stuff into it and made it a scuff.
I did enjoy how you used the toy - first the girl defends it from her friend then rushes under the bus for it...
Overall, nice and memorable and inspiring, great job, thanks!

Yep, good job writer.

I'd try to give some criticism, but then I'd just be making stuff up. You nailed the brief, writing's down pat and everything worked.

Great effort

Cam

I'm often really bored with science fiction, as most of it seems derivative of stuff I've already seen.  I really like the memory reader/viewer tech you have in this one though.  Pretty cool.  I know similar stuff has been done before, but I still liked it.

I think you could have taken an implied route with what happened to Emma instead of tossing in that flashback, but that's a nitpick.  You already have memories and dream-like scenes, so a flashback kinda bogs it down a bit.  I'm pretty sure we could have easily surmised what happened to Emma without the principal telling us... but again, nitpick.

Cool story, would probably make for a few good scenes on screen.  this is a good one.

Quality, tight script. Limited production problems either, should be filmed.

I'm sure a few things could be clarified and tightened following the reveal, but best so far.

Reminds me of some of the 1970's sci fi with a paranoia tone to it.

Like a mini Black Mirror episode!

Well written and especially so given the timeline/alt reality aspect.

Best so far.

Holy shit. You came up with this in just a week? This is great. I'm almost embarrassed to have entered the same competition as you. Everything, from the characters, to the descriptions, and the story, is top notch. I really can't find anything to complain about. Okay, I'm gushing now. I'm gonna end this review. lol Fantastic job. WOW.

~Zack~

Fantastic piece with some strong themes at work. Compelling characters, nicely plotted (yes, Groundhog Day jumped to mind) and a believable sense of paranoia.

Great job!

Great work.

This one works on a lot of levels.  And it's true to the form.  

Kudos! I look forward to the reveal.

Thus far the comments have been pretty short, saying how much they like your story.  I on the other hand didn't... no, I'm messing around.  I thought this was great!  

I always write down every story on a binder and check them off when I read them.  For some strange reason I didn't write this one down, but when I was grading the stories I saw this and realized that I missed one.  It was nice to finish with this one.  I think it was fate that led me to exclude this from my list, only to realize it and read it at the very end!

This was my last read and hands down the best. Very well done. And in a week? Must've been brewing for some time. Great job!

I echo what Ashlie said.

When I was piecing things together, I thought maybe the other girl would be Emma II.

I love Twilight Zone-style scripts, and I actually wrote one a few OAC's back.

Excellent.

Oh wow, my first excellent!

Solid writing, smooth and very easy to follow. You ALMOST lost me with all the 'Edge of Tomorrow' stuff but this was handled so well I was able to keep going until it became clear what was going on. And then when it did, man that was an emotional punch.

What gives it extra points for me is this is a Sci-Fi and yet you don't make it super science fiction techno babble. You just boost technology up to a believable levels a few years down the line. Very creative, nice and inventive.

Kudos, this one is superb.

-Mark

Title's good
From my observations on logline, this is the strongest thus far
Only point: both reads like mystery/drama/thriller territory, not SF. So I expect a subgenre piece here, let's see:

Oh, well. I have not much to say. Very good, very thoughtful performance.

Not much for me to say on this one that hasn't been said.  Heads above the competition (not to say the others were bad, but this author is clearly on another playing field).

I can't wait to see who wrote this so I can read the rest of his work.  Also, I'd absolutely love to see this work actually produced.

Now I'm bummed, because I know I didn't win.  :(

Congratulations, Eric. Second, third time at the top and of course rightfullly. Your scipt was a great experience.

Congratulations on 1st place, Eric. This was an excellent script and feels well drafted and complete for a week's work.

I love sci-fi stories like this and it made the script even better that everything seemed plausible and natural. I agree with one comment I saw above that it wouldn't feel out of place in the series 'Black Mirror's.

Great work.

Ste