Poultice by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as John Anglicus - Short, Western - A desperate mother-to-be must make a dark trade with the Native American wise woman that her family wronged. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hmm. Not sure what to think of this one.

It's well written, save for a few minor typos, and the dialog is pretty good. The pacing was good too.

The problem is that it seemed to be building up to a big climax and then... nothing. It just stops. Where is the ending? This feel incomplete as it is.

~Zack~

Quoted Text PAUWAU The land is a poisoned as you.

Typo – land is as

Okay - writing was crisp and clean - format wise - solid.

I didn't get it. I'm right there with you - interested in the story and then - Lost. I had no idea what the ending was supposed to mean.

Poor opening, as you didn't even attempt to set your scene.

Pretty much all dialogue and very short 1 word back and forth.

Everything is told through dialogue, but no way to actually know what happened or why...or why to care about either character.

The end doesn't make any sense for me, and actually, the whole story is devoid of anything that makes for a god read...or watch.

Doesn't work at all for me, sorry to say.

This screenplay just appears really spare to me. As if a lot of atmosphere you could have infused it with is missing. Lots of white space, yes, but the essence of the characters and in particular the setting, is missing for me.

The most visual part was the description of the poultice.

Dialogue is not bad, but the Pauwau character read as a male character to me - not sure the name helped either.

Dialogue was okay in part. But, sorry to say I got the impression the interaction was between a male chief and a helpless but feisty female. (Make her more feisty btw).

I really didn't know so many writers had so much trouble writing in the opposite gender. Jmho, of course.

The 'er' and the 'that you are not' dialogue was a bit jarring considering the wild west setting. UK or Irish writer, I'm guessing. 'that you are not' would work perfectly if the setting was a Dublin maternity hospital.

Where's your FADE OUT. ? It ended really abruptly. I gather the father of the child is a native and that's the ironic/shock element but it doesn't come through well. I thought the 'ashen' appearance of the midwife suggested this baby died in childbirth too, for a minute.

Good story idea, just needed more oomph! And more of the descriptive factor.

I liked this. Nice setting, strong, natural conflict. Some of the dialogue could be improved with just a few small changes.

I think the ending was a bit sudden, and a bit cheap. I think another going in another route would probably be better.

I took it that the magic had resulted in Pauwau getting an heir, not that the father was a Native American.

Obviously there's a strange absence of the man/men who have got her pregnant 6 times. Outside of the challenge that would seem odd.

I didn't mind this.  I wanted more with the ending though.  

I really don't have much more to say other than that.

Nolan

This story felt like it was written on the spot. And then time ran out. Or the story ending went east and the writer went south.
I kind of liked what was developing, at least I was in the game. Then it seemed to meander. Oh well, at least I didn't bail. Maybe the story behind 'what happened to this script' is better than what's on the page.

It's a very, very simple story, and it doesn't particularly surprise.

That being said, simplicity isn't always a criticism, just an observation, but in this case I think you needed a bit more. I didn't dislike it, and the ending was a good twist, but could have been nailed a bit better on the dialogue front.

Overall it was alright,

Cam

Oh man, Western was a category?  I didn’t even know that.

I don’t know what “dappled” means, but again, I’m dumb.

Man, this is some rapid fire dialogue.  It reads quickly, so I’m not really complaining.

Dirge, Hessian sack, drainer… either I’m even dumber than I thought or you dug up some authentic period appropriate vocabulary words.

The baby is a boy?  Isn’t that against the rules?  I’m not snitching, just asking.

Legit thought Annie was gonna die in childbirth and Pauwau was going to take the baby.  That seemed like a perfect ending to me… but I may just be expecting a twist in every script.  Shorts always seem to have twists.  Not sure Annie giving birth to a Native (right?) baby was a twist.

Read well, writing was solid, but not my favorite.  Western is a tough draw.

Not bad, but I think I was expecting too much from the ending. I'm still not sure what to think of it. One, it doesn't really work without seeing her presumably white husband. Two, there's a lot of questions about what happens when he does see it. But most importantly, it's hard to know how to feel about it. She seems happy. Should I be? I think I needed a better feel for the implications here. Without it, I can't really hang a feeling on the twist, even if those feelings are mixed.

Overall, I liked this one. It had me til the ending, but sorta lost me there too.

I see this one was well written, I don't quite get the ending.  I see that she's happy for having the baby in that it's perfect, but did she like sell her soul for it, or is it an alien that the midwife is a little surprised to see?  I don't know.

Overall this one had potential but I didn't quite get the ending.  I think if it was a little longer with more detail, I think it would make for an improved story.  I wanted to know more about this Pauwau.

Good luck,

Javier

Unsure about the title re: genre
Logline does work very well with me although it reads very hard on drama

P5 good choice to end on that question

Ahh, the ending hurts.

This is perfectly executed, dialogues, description, authenticity. There's just one problem:  importance. The ironic ending shows there's a lack of self-awareness what story this is.

A perfect execution - just nothing that owns me as a story.

Writer,

Nice little tale you weaved. Very good writing, good flow and tension that kept the pages turning - good work on all counts. Except the ending. Wasn't really sure what I was expecting, but it did feel sort of anti-climactic. Guess I was expecting more than what I got. Still, an excellent job of writing and that goes a ways AFAIC. Good job!

Steve

I didn't realise there was a third Western lol.

Look, this has potential that wasn't quite fulfilled on. The Pauwau char definitely needs to be labelled as a female (its funny how some of these scripts you forget about the opposite gender ban lol).

Anyway it was written ok - i like the sparseness of the dialogue and action. Makes for a clean read.

Good effort

Quoted Text Poultice by John Anglicus - Short, Western - A desperate mother[-]to-be visits the Native American wise woman who may be able to help her child live, if only her father hadn't murdered the woman's husband.  - pdf, format

a missing hyphen in the logline.

The title is not capitalized on the title page.

Bold slugs. Not the biggest fan.

"One hand rests
lightly on the bulge of her pregnant stomach[,] the other on
the pommel of her saddle."

O.C. is usually O.S., but either one can be used.

Not sure about her name. Sounds a bit masculine.

Another missing comma. Last time I'm gonna mention them.

"CONTUNUOUS" is almost never needed.

Our first orphan. Try to avoid these, because a little can add up to a lot, and before you know it, you've got a page or two's worth of them. Try adding or removing a word.

Quoted Text PAUWAU That is sad.

This is obvious. Change it to something like...

Quoted Text PAUWAU Sorry to hear that.

...or...

Quoted Text PAUWAU My condolences.

Avoid on-the-nose (OTN) dialogue; most people don't talk like that in real life.

Quoted Text PAUWAU And.[..?]

Quoted Text PAUWAU My husband died because of your Pa, can you return him?

Improper use of a comma. I'd use a semicolon or a period instead.

P3 is almost all dialogue. Give them something to do, even if it's just twiddling their thumbs.

"The land is a[s] poisoned as you."

Had to Google the title.

"puts it on the table too."

Not sure if "too" is needed. And even if it is, it needs a comma.

Had to Google "desiccated."

Quoted Text ANNIE Urgh.

"Annie Grunts" works better, and save you two lines.

Careful with those parentheticals.

"She SCREAMS into the empty room." If thise shot takes place in a different room, you need a new slug or mini slug.

"Labour." British?

"Newborn." The hyphen is unnecessary.

No "FADE OUT?" No "CUT TO BLACK?"

It wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst. It was alright. It wasn't atrocious; all it needs is a good spit-shine... and an ending. Good luck.

Good characters.
Would be a nice story if you had a better ending. Rightnow it falls flat for me. Pau is angry still, Im thinking she need to do smthing sinister to Annie. Maybe save the baby but kill Annie. And now shes stuck with Annie's baby.
Also you wrapped it up in pretty lazy way) - just jumped to Annies delivery. I think we should see Annie transferring the farm to Pauwau.

Pauwau - funny name. I wonder if you made it up. Very good work for such a hard genre

I couldn't get past why the women of the town want the poultice when it turns the baby into an Indian.  Did I miss something.  In any case, this one is too straightforward for me.  The woman's family bad, the Indian family good.  Life doesn't work that way for me.

Yup, we need to see the Dad. White or Indian, perhaps even Mexican? What's their reaction? Hey, she got to keep her land AND have a baby! Sounds like a good deal to me.

Great pace and premise. I just wish she had a little more sacrifice than her delivery.

Nice opening, it really set the scene for me in a lovely lean way.

Nice dialogue exchange, although the Red Indian didn't sound very authentic for me, but then again I was brought up watching John Wayne movies so my idea of what they sound like may be very wrong indeed!

I thought Pauwau was male at first, don’t know why I just did

This was building up into something special. I thought I was going to have to give this a Very Good or even an Excellent but then it ended so suddenly, with no ending and no FADE OUT, I was convinced you’d uploaded an incomplete draft by accident. I kept scrolling down thinking my computer had hung.

I thought you don’t even find out what Pauwau demanded in return and then I happened to glance at the ending again and spotted the one word which explains it.

Subtle, maybe too subtle. This needs more but it is an excellent start and a good entry for a OWC.

-Mark

A woman rancher cursed with miscarriages begs help from an elderly Native American woman. The request is likely doomed because the rancher's father killed her husband years ago. Neither woman wants to die without an heir so a deal is made with an unusual outcome.

Potential. Could use some emotional depth so we feel more for the characters. Both women have lost so much. I was surprised at the number of miscarries.

Powwow = Pauwau?

Liked that.

The ending isn't right yet, almost felt a rushed finish, but it has a certain tone to it.

I think with a decent rewrite, and kept to two locations, this could be filmable.

Interesting idea trade with someone you have stolen from. What would you give, what would they want.

One of the better entries

I didn't get it.  What was the trade?  Don't we need to know that?  

The ending feels abrupt.  It just stops...

I didn't really care for this.  Sorry.

Dan

Thanks for all who commented, really appreciated!

To answer a few specifics n stuff...

1) The ending - yep, I left the writing until the last day and ran out of time a little.
2) But... it was meant to be a subtle ending, she's given birth to a Native American child, that's the trade... a child who she doesn't miscarry but at a price.
3) Pauwau is an Algonquin girls name, means Witch. I didn't label her as a female as the challenge covered that... and she's a wisewoman archetype.
4) Conz/Chris - delighted to expand your vocabulary ;-)
5) Richard - I didn't mean to imply that the poultice always had this effect, just in this special case, I'll see if I can clarify in the re-write.
6) Seeing the Dad, well that was against the rules... but, it's also not going to be a Mexican or Indian father, that just didn;t happen in the wild west, interracial relationships were largely unheard of.
7) Orphans - shmorphans ;-)
8) Also didn't mean to imply she kept the land, she traded the land and the race of her child... again will try and fix in re-write.

I enjoyed the challenge of writing in an unfamiliar genre, but struggled a little to come up with something for first five days, was very relieved when I finally had an idea.

I will definiteky be re-writing this so thanks to all for comments.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood 7) Orphans - shmorphans ;-)

Okay. I had this mentioned on my script as well. I've googled it and I can't find a clear answer. What is an orphan??? Could you please explain what they are and how to avoid them?

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Okay. I had this mentioned on my script as well. I've googled it and I can't find a clear answer. What is an orphan??? Could you please explain what they are and how to avoid them? ~Zack~

yes...please?

A single word on a line.

You get rid of them, generally, by making sure your sentences are as tight and well-written as possible.

There was a young man named Zack, who had a great hairy sack, he was happy until, he realised in horror, he'd got another on his
back.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films A single word on a line. You get rid of them, generally, by making sure your sentences are as tight and well-written as possible.

I'm sorry... but this is for some reason going over my head. I just don't understand.

~Zack~

"Back" is an orphan.

Now I get it. lol. Thank you very much. :)

~Zack~

Yes orphans are generally a single word that drops onto the line below in a script.

If there's a load, especially in a feature, they could, in theory, increase your page count... BUT

My scripts have been read by over a hundred producers and none of them have ever mentioned orphans.

My feeling is that a producer will like your script or not, the page count/duration will change once they start giving notes anyway.

Orphans - shmorphans ;-)

Yes, they MIGHT (only might) be a sign that your choice of words and sentence construction is not as tight as humanly possible...but no actor, director or producer has ever stopped a table read, or a shoot to say "We've got a problem here...there's an orphan on page 7".

Oh, those poor, lonely, little red headed orphans.

Listen, here's the deal...and I do mean this completely seriously.

When I first started writing, I would reread what I had written over and over (and I had no clue what an actual orphan was).  At one point, I had a 138 page script and I knew it was too long, was overwritten, and I needed to do something about it.

I started to see and realize how "space" was taken up on the page and how I could very easily shorten my script, without removing anything...other than verbose or wasted words.

I did this for days...maybe weeks, and all of a sudden, I had a 115 page script, which is exactly what I was after.

Now, it's so simple for me, as literally ANYTIME a word or 2...or even 3, fall into a new line, I examine the passage, and see if there are wasted words I can get rid of to save a line.

We have approximately 55 lines per page, and that includes blank lines.  So think about this.  If you have 2 orphans per page and a 100 page script, in reality, you have wasted 4+ pages.

In writing a short with a page constraint, given the time and understanding, you can so easily shave off excess lines so you can get down what you want ot, and still come in under the max.

IMO, an orphan per 8-10 pages or so, is fine in a feature.  In a short, it all depends.

I think an orphan is fine if the sentence is tight.  Sometimes, an idea takes so many words.

What I focus on is the premise that:

A story (novel) is an orgy of words.  In other words, you start off with a few words and you WANT to fill up pages because most writers get paid by the word.  So, a new writer can write a 400-page book and it MIGHT sell.

However, a screenplay is a duel of words.  Meaning that each word has to justify its place in the script.  If you can write one word that can replace even 2 words, you should.  No screenwriter, not even the top in the field can submit a 300-page script (as 1 movie) and expect it to sell as is.  I don't think they could submit a 250 or even 200-page script.  

So remember, each word means that another word down the line might have to be cut.  

Just like Jeff said:  His 138-page script was too long.  The standard is 1 page = 1 min.  Action scripts might be shorter because action pieces take longer with establishing shots and a bunch of other props to set up each shot.  And talking pieces (for ex. sitcoms) can be a bit longer  because dialog goes quicker than action.  

Hope that helps.

Dan

Quoted from AnthonyCawood ... Orphans - shmorphans ;-)

I like it  :)

Generally to me it doesn't matter, but I guess for a feature script as Jeff has mentioned it would shave off a few pages.  For a short script, who cares...