The Tenderest Cuts by Anonymous - Short, Horror - When a couple rebuffs their sex-obsessed roommate, they set free her inherited psychological craftsmanship. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well, that was certainly dark.

Quoted Text Behind a desk sits Susanna

I’ll only site it once – put there are several places in the script where the action should be flipped, IMO. e.g., the above reads better as Susanna sits behind a desk. Several instances of this.

Quoted Text SAM Nothing. I--Susanna prepares a snack for us.

Is preparing?

Quoted Text Rosie takes seat beside Susanna.

SUSANNA (O.S.) The tenderest flesh you'll ever eat. --- I'M READY
[/quote]
Does Rosie take  a seat by Susanna or Sam? – I got confused here.

Quoted Text Susanna storms out of the kitchen, carries three empty plates, two of them with cutlery on it.

Should be storms into the Dining Room – at least based on the SLUG.

Quoted Text SUSANNA "Yours" tastes good too.

Yours – or hers?  i.e., since  you end the sentence with “too”

Liked the ending. Did not expect that at all.

What is men's obsession with describing female character's hair length, color, and texture? I will never understand that. What if the actress is completely diff from that description then what? It has nothing to do with the story.

Quoted Text She stretches her tanned legs, strokes the nipples of her small breasts while watching Sam get her head blown away.

What now?

I don't even understand the point of the sex scene?

This is so vulgar. lol

This is so crazy and....like for real? Is this skinamax?

Clueless as to what the logline is trying to say.

"longish" - Really?

More lesbians, huh?

What does "get her head blown away" mean?  No clue.

Well..not really sure what to say on this one.  Although the writing was competent, even assured, it was also hard to follow, and for some reason, just not an easy read.  I had trouble visualizing exactly what was going on.

The dialogue seemed to be alright, but for some reason, it didn't come off as believable.

The whole plot and story didn't seem realistic, either, but again, I'm at a loss for really why.

The ending for me was a let down, with the Hannibal Lector angle, but I can see how some may really appreciate this.

It's a solid effort, but just not for me.

Hmm, well I liked the psychological horror part of this and there's a decent idea behind it but once it veered off into cannibalism and Lecter being her father? I started scanning at that point.

Sometimes less is more, if you get what I mean.

50/50 on the dialogue, in other words hit and miss. I appreciate you wrote it with genuine sincerity and the characters, though they could do with a bit more meat on their bones (sorry 'bout the pun) were not caricatures.

I'm not sure if this is a pisser, or not.

There were some laugh out loud moments for sure. So unrealistic...and yet, underneath it all there's the core of a decent story here about obsession, love , sex etc the desire to possess someone.


The letter at the end was unnecessary and cheapened it further.

This actually has some potential. I'm still not wholly sure if that's intentional, or not.

I had to read it twice because I missed some things.  Maybe it's because I'm not a lesbian, but if they invited her into their sexcapades, wouldn't they just be asking for trouble, especially if she's their roommate?  I could possibly see something like that working if the other woman didn't live with them.  

I don't have any problem with dark stories, but unfortunately I wasn't a fan of this one.  Sorry :s

Nolan

The gory line, or story line was not of my taste. It didn't go down well, but I did a quick second scan and it read better. I was thinking that you could escalate the tension, before the final cut, with Rosie pushing for Susanna's removal.  And Sam making the tough but inevitable call.  Just a thought.
Well written in many ways, but so grim that I had to stop reading on first try.  The Hannibal closer was was okay, and did tie up why all of that letter-writing was necessary. I initially thought she was writing as some form of self-therapy.

ohh somebody got porn as their genre

Well that was dark and I kinda knew who the father  as it's a similar theme, so you could have left the letter out.

It was well written, probably could have been toned down sexually and raised the tension in other aspects.

Good job on entering

“her inherited psychological craftsmanship?”  no clue, guess I’ll find out.

“a longish piece of skin” – have to imagine there was a better way of writing this.

Nitpick – this goes for almost all sex scenes… no dialogue.  We already know she’s screaming in ecstasy, the generic “oh fuck.  Yes, Yes”  dialogue is just corny and unnecessary.

So far this is exactly what I WASN’T hoping for from this contest.  Every woman who read about this contest probably immediately had the same thought – “I bet these men just write some kind of lesbian fantasy.”  I’m no SJW, “fake fan of the Ghostbusters reboot just because I feel I’m supposed to be,” but come on, do we need nipple stroking, “clit, wet, crotch, juice”  ???

“I was sixteen when I stopped eating cocks.”  I’m bailing.  That line doesn't even ring natural from the most vulgar female character imaginable.

There may very well be an awesome horror twist in this script, but the writing is just lazy to me.  It would have been easy for every dude her to write like this.  “All females?  Shit, I’ll just write a lesbian porn.”  Maybe I’m being too hard on you – I probably am – but I just don’t feel like reading this.  

The beginning of this script really felt it belonged in the world of French Extremity (i.e. Inside, High Tension, etc), but then it quickly spun out into generic torture porn, in my opinion.  Also, the Hannibal gag at the end made me groan.

I agree with a previous reviewer, I never like it when characters' physical characteristics are described in detail unless it will integral to the plot later.  I'd leave that to the casting director.

Most of the dialogue didn't feel real to me, specifically the "eating cocks" line.

I feel the real meat and potatoes of the story would have been more about the internal struggle for power in the threesome relationship, which you hint at, but instead you spent more time on the shock value of the gore.

Also, I didn't buy the Sam character suddenly becoming so traumatized that she becomes near catatonic.

Just my two cents.

Thanks!
Brian

That certainly was not safe to read at work.

Wow, not what I expected. A bit too forced and in your face for me. The Hannibal reference at the end was the highlight. Overall, not my bag.

Good effort for the time allotted!

Yep, that was pretty dark. Am i on a list somewhere after reading that?? Only joking.

Look, positives are you've got your visualisations down well, almost too well in this instance (due to the subject matter). I couldn't see any formatting issues, but maybe that's because I was too distracted by what was going on in the piece. Maybe that's the point?

Anyway, it was a horror, and I'm truly horrified. You've got the writing down, but the subject matter was just too much for myself.

Cam

I'm not a fan of torture porn so this will probably heavily influence my review of this.

I struggled to follow who was fucking who or why, nor did I care for any of the characters. They all seemed to be the same, no discernible differences.  

I could see where it was leading to a mile off but I didn't buy how someone could suddenly go so psychopathic, it was out of left field.

Some of the sentences read strangely, easily fixed with a polish.

An all female cast, so points for that but this isn't one for me.

-Mark

This didn't work for me either.  I was totally lost.  I think you also mixed up the characters at the beginning because it seems like you have the crazy chick in bed with Sam while the other plays with herself.

I don't know.  I was lost.  The beginning with the flesh thing doesn't hold any meaning.  

Sorry, but, this just didn't work.  It was very cliched  

Dan

I liked the single white female tone - the nutter in the apartment. Also the mixed threesome, sets up a love triangle with all that potential.

After that got a little OTT for my taste...oh did I say taste, brings back memories  :o

The contained element, the tension between them, and the deleoping slide into madness are where I would take this

Sorry, but, I gotta do this.

I know 2 awful jokes (or some might say more than 2).  One is actually pretty funny, but, it's about the Twin Towers, so, yeah, can't tell that one anymore (no, it isn't about them going down, that would be stupid, not funny in any way)...

The other joke, and it's kinda a tie into this story goes like this:

There are these 3 drunk guys talking in a bar.  They are always complaining how their wives never appreciate them.  They always nag and whine about how they are neglected and how the husbands never do anything they say.  So, they all decide to do the very next thing that their wives ask them to do, no matter what.

A few days later, they all meet up at the bar again to discuss how it went.  Guy 3 is also carrying a bag.

Guy 1 says that when he came home that night, he accidentally hit part of the garage.  Not a lot of damage, but, enough to wake up the wife.  She came storming down the stairs, saw the damage and said, "Why don't you just knock the whole fucking thing down."  So, he did.

Guy 2 says that he came home that night and accidentally dropped a glass causing it to shatter on the floor.  His wife hears that, again, storms down the stairs, and says, "Why don't you just break everything in the house."  So, he got his sledgehammer and did just that.

Guy 3 is very quiet.  So, they ask him if he did what his wife wanted.  He nods yes.

They ask him what it was and he doesn't respond.  They get annoyed and finally, he breaks down and speaks.

Guy 3 was going down on his wife and she says, "Cut it out."  He pulls something out of his bag and says have any of you ever seen one of these up close??

I did say it was a bad joke, but, it fit the theme of the story.

I'll show myself out.

Dan

This is kinda pure insanity with a really neat twist at the end. Not really my thing overall, but it's certainly a horrific tone.

I suppose my biggest real complaint is that the characters get lost and overshadowed by the insanity it all. This is definitely a director’s script. It needs the right tone, the right shots, the right performances in order to pull off what it's trying to do.

Not my favorite, but certainly interesting.

I got lost with who was doing what to who and why... not a massive torture porn fan so this just doesnt do anything for me... and the end 'gag' felt a little lame.

"SCREAMS OF A YOUNG WOMAN IN ORGASMIC PLEASURE"

Is this all a minislug/subheading? Or a sound effect? It takes up its own line. ???

A threesome?

"clit, wet, crotch, juice." Alrighty then...

I've always seen it spelled "aesthetics." I guess both are correct.

If Daddy is a proper name, capitalize it.

Seven lines of dialogue. Try not to go overboard, unless it's too good to cut. If it reads like a Star Wars opening crawl, you've gone too far.

What's with the "daddy?" Is that a nickname/pet name?

Why is "pajamas" capitalized?

"What's up honey[?]" unless it's rhetorical.

Quoted Text SAM Nothing. I--Susanna prepares a snack for us.

Is this a typo?

"Rosie takes [a] seat beside Susanna."

Rosie and Sam aren't the only ones who are puzzled.

"just [like] Susanna's maniac eyes." I guess...?

I'm so confused, but I have three more pages, so I guess I'll read on.

"standing opposite to Sam[,] who"

Are those labia majora and minora body parts of some sort? Scientific names?

"tastes good[,] too."

Wait, "Dad[dy]" is her actual dad? Why isn't it capitalized?

*SPOILER*

I liked the twist with the Hannibal address on the letter, but overall, it wasn't for me. Too much going on, making for a confusing read.

Quoted Text Are those labia majora and minora body parts of some sort? Scientific names?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

OMG! I'm crying....lol

They're parts of a woman's body, just behind the kneecap.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films They're parts of a woman's body, just behind the kneecap.

I thought they referred to the heel and pinky toe?   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Quoted from Dreamscale I thought they referred to the heel and pinky toe?   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

GUYS! GUYS!

You're both right.

I read for a few pages and then stopped. Not interested.

Hm, my concept was serving a female hardcore character in the category of Jigsaw, Hannibal, John Doe.

Sam and Rosie's open relationship, with Susanna as roommate who comes to play from time to time was a precondition that could have easily been accepted (and I believe it happens behind some closed doors)

but well, it was my fault, I should have trusted myself and keep this one out of the challenge because I saw it coming. Shot myself in the head sending this one into that atmosphere. Mostly I'm mad at myself because it was unintelligent and stupid.

Anyway, thanks for commenting, there's nevertheless some valuable stuff between the lines of all reviews. There were some problems in fact.

Time to close this book as soon as possible!

It's got a lot of potential.  The good parts were very good.  Your English has improved dramatically as well.

I don't think the idea is stupid at all, like seriously.  Honestly, I think this can be a pretty good story.

BUT, I do think you need to tone down the nudity/sex.  Or ramp it up.

As someone once told me, who's your audience?  If it's porn, the first half is fine, the second half, not so much.  Not many porn lovers who are into that kind of violence.  Please don't confuse porn with torture porn.  They are vastly different genres.

If this is meant for torture porn, then again, you have to cut down on the nudity.  If you study torture porn, then you realize the nudity comes at a crucial point in the plot, to increase the "arousal" of the viewer.  

I think one great torture porn scene that was way ahead of its time was in the movie:  Dagon.  The movie starts out with a steamy sex scene, but, she isn't shown naked.  By the end of the movie, when the creature comes to claim her, she's totally naked.  That was done on purpose according to the director because at the beginning, she's full of life and has power.  By the end, she's defeated, has nothing left to give, including her dignity.  

Yes, she's hot and whatnot, but, it's still a great scene.  

So, it's too full of nudity and sex for horror and too full of gore for porn.  

Figure that part out, rewrite it, and you could have yourself a very solid short.

Good luck
Dan

Just a comment:

"get her head blown away" blew me away. My first thought was a sudden out of no where bullet goes through her head. But then nothing, nada, is that it?!? Am I to assume that was a sexual event.

Quoted from CrackedAces Just a comment: "get her head blown away" blew me away. My first thought was a sudden out of no where bullet goes through her head. But then nothing, nada, is that it?!? Am I to assume that was a sexual event.

Yes, do assume the latter. Apparently, bad writing of me here since I wasn't aware that a metaphorical "getting her head blown away" in context to sexual activities is strange or unqualified wording in colloquial English.

Then she's obviously alive in the very next lines… so what…

I had so many issues because of this script; suppressed any thought of having written it, that it felt it's 5 years ago rather than one only; so thanks for digging it up again :-)

Rereading it now, the script is intellectually ahead of its time.

It's an extremely non-linear script when regarding its topic; beginning from a completely sexualized storyline… and moving bit by bit into a dark psychological demanding area within the overall subject. These days such first act approach is superficially seen with a finger on it calling it a cliché ( probably even misogynic) impression, especially to have lesbian sex in there when the parameters were "all female".

As I said somewhere above, just a dumb choice of me to go that route. I should have known. Originally, to me it was rather "just" sex as real character development than I'd see any emphasis on "lesbian" sex at all.  I got no interest in that way of political association or thinking.  

Instead I actually broke the exact cliché on its head by going that route, presenting bland sex, more specific same sex, more specific female same sex... then the plot drifts into havoc.

And they spit on it.

It's ahead of its times that's what it is. I keep my fingers off those stories from now. But thanks for letting me reflect again on this one; it closes a circle for me as a self-therapy ;-)

How then does  "get her head blown away" a film-able action.

Quoted from CrackedAces How then does  "get her head blown away" a film-able action.

I described the exact picture of her orgasmic and post orgasmic expression


"She clutches the headboard behind. A blush of shame flushes her tender complexion as she ecstatically squeaks.

SAM: Oh, fuck. Yes. Yes.

"One last scream and her moans decrease to deep breaths."


(Then I go into an immediate, objective view on Rosie…)


"Beside the couple lies the lanky brunette ROSIE, 22, uncovered and naked as God made her. She stretches her tanned legs, strokes the nipples of her small breasts while watching Sam get her head blown away."


(Then I even repeated Sam's "post/decreasing" orgasm state nevertheless, "filmable", when going on with):


"Crawling out from under the blanket is Susanna. Her jaded face contrasts starkly with the two baby-faced princesses.

SAM
(breathes)
Oh God. So good. So...

Susanna gives Sam a kiss on the cheek, strokes her neck while Sam, with eyes closed, still breathes hard."


We're on a different page it seems. Sometimes I go with the placeholder in the middle of descriptions, especially if nothing has changed from what I described just before (here it's even exact up to directly following moment).

But you seem to see such things different and that's okay-

@ what I could have possibly done is write it like that ...strokes the nipples of her small breasts while watching THEM.
But that's marginal and superflous to debate about such nonsense