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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / January 2017 One Week Challenge / In The Arms of Justice - OWC
Posted by: Don, January 28th, 2017, 10:38am
In The Arms of Justice by Mindy Eddeson Wannabe - Short, Film Noir - Has a gorgeous socialite done one bad deed too many? - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: eldave1, January 28th, 2017, 4:05pm; Reply: 1
Quoted Text int. courtroom – day |
Not a proper heading
Quoted Text JUDGE PALMER I’ll allow it, but, you are on a short leash.
|
Think I’ve read that line a hundred times – need to be more original here.
Quoted Text POSTAL CARRIER I’m sorry, but, I have an urgent message that says I must delay this trial for Mrs. Nightingale. |
Really? A Postal Carrier is going to stop the trial – and she is delivering “messages” not mail – unopened? This does not work on several levels.
Quoted Text JUDGE PALMER Then, I accept your guilty plea and sentence you to death by needle. |
Again – this would never ever happen like this in real life
Quoted Text JUDGE PALMER Only two others know, the doctor and the tech specialist. As far as everyone else knows, you’re dead.
|
Way too on the nose.
There are issues here - one really has to abandon logic to buy into many of the major plot points. We have to believe that you could have a courthouse where men were banned at the request of a defendant (and the reason for that is poorly explained). You have to believe that mail carriers can stop trials and that convictions and executions can take place in a matter of days - it's just too much. There is too much logic stretched to in an attempt to hit plot points and as a result the story just seems implausible.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), January 28th, 2017, 6:20pm; Reply: 2
OK...I started just skimming very early on, based on several problems:
Slugs are terrible.
Character descriptions are redonkulous and too long and detailed.
Character names - using first and last names continuously is a big mistake and very goofy.
The whole setup here rings so fake and forced.
The trial itself and how it plays out is again, so fake.
Doesn't work for me at all, sorry to say.
Posted by: LC, January 28th, 2017, 8:32pm; Reply: 3
I'll start with a sample of dialogue:
Because I’m a socialite. Because
I’m beautiful, rich, successful,
have tight, firm legs.
She feels her legs, slowly.
Really? She feels her legs slowly? How about: 'she runs a perfectly manicured finger along the inside of her thigh' bit of effort, please..
It’s simple really. Phyllis
Nightingale seduced him with her
wiles and now, he’s dead and we’ll
prove it.
What? They're going to prove not that she killed him, but prove he's dead.
The exercise is about writing dialogue genuinely, realistically. I know this is noir, and I know this is an attempt at entertainment but these characters read like halfwits or 'housewives of NY/OC/LA, whatever.
I sincerely hope there are going to be some legit entries.
For a writer to pull off send up/parody/black comedy it needs to be clever and the dialogue needs to be great. These women characters are complete airheads obsessed with their wardrobe and makeup. Fluff stereotypes.
I liked the idea of an all female court and that scenario had potential.
I know... You're just having a bit of fun.
Fails the challenge imh.