Virgin by Design by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Comedy - After her divorce, an impecunious, middle-aged woman concocts a get-rich-quick plan with the help of her AI robot.  13 pages  - pdf, format

production: Shoestring production, maximum result.


Writer interested in feedback on this work

Fausto Hello

I will be giving this a read asap! Will post my thoughts soon.

HGW

Hugh,
thank you very much. I appreciate that.
Fausto

Fausto,

Sorry for the late reply.

Comedy is such a tough genre  because it so subjective. You have a good premise and if filmed right this story could work as a situational comedy imo.  

The only problem I have is with some of the dialogue.  like on the first page.

Julie "What you suggest?". maybe should read "What do you suggest?" or on page 3

Jeffery "I've it in the file." could read "I have it in the file or I've got it in the file.".

That's nit picking but those and a few other lines just didn't read right to me. But that could be how you intend for the characters to speak. If so cool.

Other than that its a pretty good short.

When I started reading, I thought this is not to my taste, but it got more interesting and funnier as it went along. I like the ending.  Like the previous poster said, check your spelling.

Hi Fausto,

I felt the dialogue was very much on the nose. It seems to be an ongoing problem in most of the scripts of yours that I have read. The characters say exactly what they are thinking and it's very unnatural. Lots of awkward writing.

Story wise, this is just random. What's the go with the robot??

It's just all over the place, she has no money, yet pays for any expensive procedure, actually ends up paying more because she gets another procedure.

No one would pay 100 million for a forty year old plump virgin. The young virgins in reality don't get anywhere near that much. Oh and 100 thousand a month on top of that (I realise this is a story but that's a bit excessive).

What rating would this have with a full frontal shot of a vagina?

As previously mentioned, comedy is subjective and for me there was none to be found, sorry to say.

Best of luck with it.

Interesting story that may have some legs with a rewrite. The AI bot isn't in it long enough and doesn't have an arc. It's merely a vehicle for gaining the idea. Same thing could have happened in a number of different ways, not even necessary to add another character. So that part can be stripped, which would also mean removing it from the logline. It's just not that important to the story.

As I said this needs lots more work and some of the language choices may put off producers because, if that's how you write now, why would a rewrite improve it? So, clean it up, make it read well.

You write about modern situations, which is good. You're not just rehashing old comedies. I thought your script was very well written, but maybe Julie could be more likeable and less scheming, if that's possible? I get a lot of criticism saying my characters aren't likeable enough, but there are always some people who have different tastes. Do you want this to be filmed? If so, are you intending to show a massive picture of a vagina, lol??