Quoted from DanC Hey Ashlie, I wanted to let you know that I didn't respond back b/c I'm in the process of reading your short. 67 page shorts are pretty long!! One comment. So far, I like it. But, I want you to know that when I break a story down, I really delve in and I find stuff that professional readers miss. I read Mark's screenplay that had been read over 20 times and found stuff they missed. Also, you want me to be honest, right? And please keep in mind that it is just my opinion. Dan |
Quoted from LC It ain't a short, by the looks of it Dan. It's listed under Series and judging by the format and Teaser at the top, this is the Pilot ep. Least, that's my best estimation. I'll also take a look Ashlie. :) |
Quoted Text Randomness: page 4 - hopes - hops Just me thing I prefer a space before and after an em dash. page 5 (Notions to the... - (Motions to the... Page 6 - Pittsburgh is lousy with train tracks. I love this. I would have died the way I lived-forgotten. I would have died the way I lived. Forgotten. I would have died the way I lived - forgotten. Reality has just hit Cassidy in the face and it wears jeggings. I love this. Page 13 at first I thought it should be (O.S.) off screen rather than (V.O.) voice over Need some way to convay that Cassidy isn't there. I don't know how. 14 - Bue New Cassidy... - But New Cassidy |
Quoted Text CASSIDY YOUNG, 25, African-American, hipster cool-nude-basks in the sun, on her back in the middle of a field, as she stares wide-eyed towards THE |
Quoted Text SKY In swirls of purple and red billowy clouds. Creatures circle around overhead. A griffin begins to zero in on Cassidy and just as it's about to devour her whole it dissipates into a fluster of butterflies. |
Quoted Text DEPUTY.FUZZ |
Quoted Text MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) |
Quoted Text Cassidy, fully dressed in Afro-punk garb, surveys her surroundings. |
Quoted Text inappropriately cuddles him. |
Quoted Text and a lipstick-Blue lipstick- |
Quoted Text TASHA Would you stop calling him that? He is not my sugar daddy;he's my husband. |
Quoted from eldave1 Ashlie - I had time to get through the first ten pages (sorry for so little, but I am a bit swamped right now). Overall, the dialogue is very good/very natural. The story has (so far) has a real, modern day feel to it, I have some nit picks to offer. Not sure what "cool-nude" denotes. Is this hipster cool and totally nude or is cool-nude just a descriptor I am not familiar with. So, this is her hallucination. Although that is clear by the end of the teaser, I would add a few sign posts for the reader so that the transitions are crystal clear. Examples: In the opening I would add something like: CASSIDY YOUNG, 25, African-American, hipster cool is in the midst of a LSD induced hallucination. She basks in the sun, on her back in the middle of a field, as she stares wide-eyed towards THE And at the end of the scene - give us some indication that she's coming out of it. e.g., Cassidy shakes her head. The dream world starts to fade/blur into the real world. Took me too passes to get it. You either need a comma after clouds (i.e., you start the description with "In" and end it with a period before you get to the creatures. Maybe flip it. e.g., Creatures circle in the purple and red billowy clouds around overhead. Just a thought. Why a period after Deputy? This is real nitty - but since we learn the voice ultimately belongs to a rabbit - maybe add a little more here. e.g., WEIRD VOICE or something like that rather than man's voice. Like I said - this is a nitpick. I thought she was nude. If that was just a hallucination - add "now" dressed in... I would be more specific on what inappropriate is. Lipstick blue lipstick? Do you need lipstick light. i.e., maybe something like dark blue lipstick. glossy blue lipstick, etc. typo between Daddy and he's Like I said, these are all nitpicks. There is some interesting stuff here. |
Quoted Text Not sure what "cool-nude" denotes. Is this hipster cool and totally nude or is cool-nude just a descriptor I am not familiar with. |
Quoted Text So, this is her hallucination. Although that is clear by the end of the teaser, I would add a few sign posts for the reader so that the transitions are crystal clear. Examples: In the opening I would add something like: CASSIDY YOUNG, 25, African-American, hipster cool is in the midst of a LSD induced hallucination. She basks in the sun, on her back in the middle of a field, as she stares wide-eyed towards THE And at the end of the scene - give us some indication that she's coming out of it. e.g., Cassidy shakes her head. The dream world starts to fade/blur into the real world. Took me too passes to get it. You either need a comma after clouds (i.e., you start the description with "In" and end it with a period before you get to the creatures. Maybe flip it. e.g., Creatures circle in the purple and red billowy clouds around overhead. Just a thought. |
Quoted Text DEPUTY.FUZZ (grimacing) Oh my God. You do realize you're high on acid, right? |
Quoted Text I thought she was nude. If that was just a hallucination - add "now" dressed in... |
Quoted Text I actually assumed that's how you spelled Deputy. Fuzz. No? |
Quoted from Cooper 1) Cool nude basks. She's naked? 2) far worse (underline issue) 2) I'm already really enjoying this story. No idea where it's going, but I'm strapping in for an interesting ride. 3) I'm a sweet like that. Guessing you don't want the "a" 3) no (beat) ready. Is that a joke? I usually associate beats with a joke but I don't get it. 3) lipstick blue lipstick. Maybe it's intentional but I'm not sure. seems redundant. 4) you're leaving a space between Deputy.Fuzz in action lines but note character lines. kind of weird. Should be Deputy Fuzz (I love the name by the way) 4) "Running is the obvious answer; it's hardly the solution." Didn't get that line. Doesn't answer the question, so it felt strange. 6) Reality has just hit Cassidy in the face and it wears jeggings. Lololol 6) don't need periods in SUV 7) you asked me to. Great line. Really good teaser! 7) nit pick, I'd probably call it an SUV or vehicle not a "truck" on this page. 8 ) You sexy bastards. Lol 9) underline issue persists. Not sure what software you're using. The underline under nothing looks goofy though 9) he's my husband. Lol. 9) i would say it's strange hearing wife talk about a vehicle as a gift. If they're married they're both paying for it. 10) Are you going to tell me why you in the woods dressed like Kylie Jenner? (Should be you're) 10) don't think you need the "i think you owe me" line. Just tell me -- seems like it's sufficient. 11) mental touch gathering? huh 11) I'm here -- as in, I'm still here?, I'm hear aren't I?, I'm hear for you?-- I didn't get the meaning. 12) I was kidding. lol 12) Busy. Can't. No response. ? Don't get what I'm supposed to be getting here. 12) Thought: really enjoying it so far -- but I don't know where the story is going. maybe it's too early but thought i should mention that. also overall dialogue felt a tad bogged down in last page or two. maybe an extra word here or there. It's still very interesting. 12) oh and I'm not clear on the text thing. 12) MIMI KEENER,24, doll-face, troubled lies in bed with a goofy smile across her face. I think there should be either a comma or period between troubled and lies. 12) should be breaths heavily - also covers not cover's. 12/13) I had to read this twice to understand the VO with Mimi. Probably just me but the first time I thought Cassidy was in the apartment -- then I realized they were still in the car. Knowing that ,the line about "not wanting to come" is funny but i didn't get it initially. I'm not a formatting guru -- but I wonder if there's a way to make it clearer that they're still in their conversation in the car, while we see Mimi and friend. Again, this could just be me being slow while reading it. 13) Mimi and her friend go at so hard = missing it. 13) JESSENIA 'JESS' ENDRES, 23, latina, chubby, very cute pukes behind a dumpster -- comma or period between cute and pukes. 13) this you're missing a VO for Tasha's line 14) Bue New Cassidy believes in her friends -- but not bue (or the -- not sure what word you wanted there) 15) interesting seeing the so-called friends in their lives. still wondering about where the story is going 15) ah. now I get it. Cassidy has been gone for a months. has to adjust to a world that went on without her. 16) When you weren't looking obviously. LOL 17) don't go to college, or else you'll end up like me. LOL 17) why not just say the SUV crashes into a parked car. That's what happened right? Act 1 thoughts: This is really weird but also interesting. Some good laughs though knowing how long she'd been away -- the conversation seems too casual in the car. Tasha initially talked like it was a weekend away or something. 18 ) banal claim? Also why does she keep references her husband. what does he have to do with anything. he wasn't in the car. 19) I won't ruin your life today? huh. I get that she's mad but it's a strange thing to say. Why not have her ask, if there's a manager she can speak with. If you can't help me, is there someone else who can. I don't like the way I'm being spoken to etc. 19) binal doesn't come up on http://www.merriam-webster.com 20) do the white boards come back in some big way? the little back and forth was meh imo 21) Feminism. lol 22) One of the boxes spills out stills ... 'Love, Ava!'. Literally had to read this twice to understand it. Honestly this whole scene could probably be a little clearer. 22) standees? 25) this whole evan ava relationship could be clearer. I get that they have a weird relationship -- but I feel like I couldn't process it because there was so much going on. Also I don't think evan would talk to his son that way. Feels unrealistic (and you've done such a great job with grounded dialogue) 27) "No. Friends don't tell friends BF's about said friends secret abortion's. And don't call me darling, my grandma does that, it's a turn-off." - very on the nose. there's probably a more grounded way to this exchange. 28 ) Rachel grabs up a cover and heads into Mimi's room but not before she motions to Armand. -- mimi motions 28 ) ./sign? huh 28 ) So I was totally intrigued with Mimi and Armand the moment they kisses. Interesting twist -- though another observation. what's Cassidy up to. I've practically forgotten about her. She's the protagonist right? 30) her name is Jessenia now? i feel like she was just Jess when we last saw her in the voice over section. Yes, I realize they're the same but you should be consistent in the action and character lines 32) It�s our fault because we're the women? It�s our fault some idiot nutted in us and now we have to clean it up... great line but the scene plays out unrealistically. she'd be out the moment she became violent throwing the potted plant. Act II - thoughts. I thought I knew what this was about in Act 1 - I was wrong, obviously because Cassidy is no longer the main driver of the story in this Act. Act II felt a little unfocused to me. It's still interesting but I still don't know what the story is about. What are we driving toward? Also do you want to be so specific with TLC shows. 35. I honestly -- don't think you need comma in between. this chunk of dialogue could probably be smoothed out a little. 35) I liked the Juno thing. funny 38 ) there is sooo much going on. 40) rachel mimi back and fourth is off here. 44) we're a grown ass women -- don't need a 44) access to my credit card? she's a grown ass woman (mother of his children). he's her husband. very strange thing to say. 44) not sure if the dialogue is too on the nose -- but there's something off about this conversation. Act III - thoughts. this was a lot. I enjoy Cassidy -- and feel like the story actually moves when she's involved. 48 ) He�s a complete fucktard - lol 49) It is third grade. Everything in life is third grade -- true. but why is this a big deal? Keith was mean. a prick. they're all adults. 51) Nieth -- should be Keith 52) personally I don't like Keith at all -- and not in a, this character is a bad guy way -- but in a this character seems to pull everything down, way 52) if a deal --should be -- of a deal 53) yep, dislike Keith. 54) T's true = It's true? 54) Jon - soooooo many characters... Act IV - like the last line. 58 ) So, Mimi what's it like munching on vintage carpet? LOL 59) All day I've focusing on everyone but myself. I've BEEN focusing? 59) Who wants to see my tits? cheers LOL 63) babies sleeping in adult beds are dangerous. just sayin'. 66) interesting ending - great twist that she's a mom. Overall thoughts: I really enjoyed the beginning A LOT! The biggest knock is that the story eventually felt unfocused and had so many characters to keep up with. The more branches we followed the more deluded things got for me. Cassidy is the protagonist -- so it's was strange to spend so much time on these side stories. Also who or what is the antagonist? Can't be Keith -- he's not a biggest part of the story (he is a total ass though). I'm a big believer is clear protagonist and antagonist -- with a clear goal. I'm guessing the goal is Cassidy re-integrating into society -- but again, there's nothing that's standing in her way. I'd personally dial back on the other storylines and beef up Cassidy's story. An hour show with commercials will be 45-50 pgs. -- After writing that I went back and looked at your log line. Your vision for this is a show about 5 girlfriends. That isn't what this really is though. IMO what's here is a screenplay about Cassidy. If you want to make this the story that your log line promises you have to find a way to show all 5 of them together early on (via flashback or flash forward or whatever) just to set expectations. If your thesis is that adulthood ain't all it cracked up to be but these 5 women can get through anything with each other -- that's cool but you have to put it out early so the reader can better follow along. I was so certain this was "the Cassidy show" because the whole story was about her for so much of the beginning (and she's a great character IMHO). I personally think you should focus on Cassidy and give the other characters time to shine in other episodes. Hope this was at least some what useful. |
Quoted from Cooper 1) Cool nude basks. She's naked? 2) far worse (underline issue) 2) I'm already really enjoying this story. No idea where it's going, but I'm strapping in for an interesting ride. 3) I'm a sweet like that. Guessing you don't want the "a" 3) no (beat) ready. Is that a joke? I usually associate beats with a joke but I don't get it. 3) lipstick blue lipstick. Maybe it's intentional but I'm not sure. seems redundant. 4) you're leaving a space between Deputy.Fuzz in action lines but note character lines. kind of weird. Should be Deputy Fuzz (I love the name by the way) 4) "Running is the obvious answer; it's hardly the solution." Didn't get that line. Doesn't answer the question, so it felt strange. 6) Reality has just hit Cassidy in the face and it wears jeggings. Lololol 6) don't need periods in SUV 7) you asked me to. Great line. Really good teaser! 7) nit pick, I'd probably call it an SUV or vehicle not a "truck" on this page. 8 ) You sexy bastards. Lol 9) underline issue persists. Not sure what software you're using. The underline under nothing looks goofy though 9) he's my husband. Lol. 9) i would say it's strange hearing wife talk about a vehicle as a gift. If they're married they're both paying for it. 10) Are you going to tell me why you in the woods dressed like Kylie Jenner? (Should be you're) 10) don't think you need the "i think you owe me" line. Just tell me -- seems like it's sufficient. 11) mental touch gathering? huh 11) I'm here -- as in, I'm still here?, I'm hear aren't I?, I'm hear for you?-- I didn't get the meaning. 12) I was kidding. lol 12) Busy. Can't. No response. ? Don't get what I'm supposed to be getting here. 12) Thought: really enjoying it so far -- but I don't know where the story is going. maybe it's too early but thought i should mention that. also overall dialogue felt a tad bogged down in last page or two. maybe an extra word here or there. It's still very interesting. 12) oh and I'm not clear on the text thing. 12) MIMI KEENER,24, doll-face, troubled lies in bed with a goofy smile across her face. I think there should be either a comma or period between troubled and lies. 12) should be breaths heavily - also covers not cover's. 12/13) I had to read this twice to understand the VO with Mimi. Probably just me but the first time I thought Cassidy was in the apartment -- then I realized they were still in the car. Knowing that ,the line about "not wanting to come" is funny but i didn't get it initially. I'm not a formatting guru -- but I wonder if there's a way to make it clearer that they're still in their conversation in the car, while we see Mimi and friend. Again, this could just be me being slow while reading it. 13) Mimi and her friend go at so hard = missing it. 13) JESSENIA 'JESS' ENDRES, 23, latina, chubby, very cute pukes behind a dumpster -- comma or period between cute and pukes. 13) this you're missing a VO for Tasha's line 14) Bue New Cassidy believes in her friends -- but not bue (or the -- not sure what word you wanted there) 15) interesting seeing the so-called friends in their lives. still wondering about where the story is going 15) ah. now I get it. Cassidy has been gone for a months. has to adjust to a world that went on without her. 16) When you weren't looking obviously. LOL 17) don't go to college, or else you'll end up like me. LOL 17) why not just say the SUV crashes into a parked car. That's what happened right? Act 1 thoughts: This is really weird but also interesting. Some good laughs though knowing how long she'd been away -- the conversation seems too casual in the car. Tasha initially talked like it was a weekend away or something. 18 ) banal claim? Also why does she keep references her husband. what does he have to do with anything. he wasn't in the car. 19) I won't ruin your life today? huh. I get that she's mad but it's a strange thing to say. Why not have her ask, if there's a manager she can speak with. If you can't help me, is there someone else who can. I don't like the way I'm being spoken to etc. 19) binal doesn't come up on http://www.merriam-webster.com 20) do the white boards come back in some big way? the little back and forth was meh imo 21) Feminism. lol 22) One of the boxes spills out stills ... 'Love, Ava!'. Literally had to read this twice to understand it. Honestly this whole scene could probably be a little clearer. 22) standees? 25) this whole evan ava relationship could be clearer. I get that they have a weird relationship -- but I feel like I couldn't process it because there was so much going on. Also I don't think evan would talk to his son that way. Feels unrealistic (and you've done such a great job with grounded dialogue) 27) "No. Friends don't tell friends BF's about said friends secret abortion's. And don't call me darling, my grandma does that, it's a turn-off." - very on the nose. there's probably a more grounded way to this exchange. 28 ) Rachel grabs up a cover and heads into Mimi's room but not before she motions to Armand. -- mimi motions 28 ) ./sign? huh 28 ) So I was totally intrigued with Mimi and Armand the moment they kisses. Interesting twist -- though another observation. what's Cassidy up to. I've practically forgotten about her. She's the protagonist right? 30) her name is Jessenia now? i feel like she was just Jess when we last saw her in the voice over section. Yes, I realize they're the same but you should be consistent in the action and character lines 32) It�s our fault because we're the women? It�s our fault some idiot nutted in us and now we have to clean it up... great line but the scene plays out unrealistically. she'd be out the moment she became violent throwing the potted plant. Act II - thoughts. I thought I knew what this was about in Act 1 - I was wrong, obviously because Cassidy is no longer the main driver of the story in this Act. Act II felt a little unfocused to me. It's still interesting but I still don't know what the story is about. What are we driving toward? Also do you want to be so specific with TLC shows. 35. I honestly -- don't think you need comma in between. this chunk of dialogue could probably be smoothed out a little. 35) I liked the Juno thing. funny 38 ) there is sooo much going on. 40) rachel mimi back and fourth is off here. 44) we're a grown ass women -- don't need a 44) access to my credit card? she's a grown ass woman (mother of his children). he's her husband. very strange thing to say. 44) not sure if the dialogue is too on the nose -- but there's something off about this conversation. Act III - thoughts. this was a lot. I enjoy Cassidy -- and feel like the story actually moves when she's involved. 48 ) He�s a complete fucktard - lol 49) It is third grade. Everything in life is third grade -- true. but why is this a big deal? Keith was mean. a prick. they're all adults. 51) Nieth -- should be Keith 52) personally I don't like Keith at all -- and not in a, this character is a bad guy way -- but in a this character seems to pull everything down, way 52) if a deal --should be -- of a deal 53) yep, dislike Keith. 54) T's true = It's true? 54) Jon - soooooo many characters... Act IV - like the last line. 58 ) So, Mimi what's it like munching on vintage carpet? LOL 59) All day I've focusing on everyone but myself. I've BEEN focusing? 59) Who wants to see my tits? cheers LOL 63) babies sleeping in adult beds are dangerous. just sayin'. 66) interesting ending - great twist that she's a mom. Overall thoughts: I really enjoyed the beginning A LOT! The biggest knock is that the story eventually felt unfocused and had so many characters to keep up with. The more branches we followed the more deluded things got for me. Cassidy is the protagonist -- so it's was strange to spend so much time on these side stories. Also who or what is the antagonist? Can't be Keith -- he's not a biggest part of the story (he is a total ass though). I'm a big believer is clear protagonist and antagonist -- with a clear goal. I'm guessing the goal is Cassidy re-integrating into society -- but again, there's nothing that's standing in her way. I'd personally dial back on the other storylines and beef up Cassidy's story. An hour show with commercials will be 45-50 pgs. -- After writing that I went back and looked at your log line. Your vision for this is a show about 5 girlfriends. That isn't what this really is though. IMO what's here is a screenplay about Cassidy. If you want to make this the story that your log line promises you have to find a way to show all 5 of them together early on (via flashback or flash forward or whatever) just to set expectations. If your thesis is that adulthood ain't all it cracked up to be but these 5 women can get through anything with each other -- that's cool but you have to put it out early so the reader can better follow along. I was so certain this was "the Cassidy show" because the whole story was about her for so much of the beginning (and she's a great character IMHO). I personally think you should focus on Cassidy and give the other characters time to shine in other episodes. Hope this was at least some what useful. |
Quoted from DanC Obviously it is your script and no one will ever know it better. However I will add that while you are correct that many shows have large ensembles in them, how many appeared in the pilot episode? Also it has been pointed out in other articles that episodes with large ensembles tend to focus on a select few. For example the Simpsons has a hit huge cast but only a few of them have any speaking parts In the episode. If you want each person in it then you might consider having fewer speaking roles. Also, this is just my opinion, but I would refrain from telling people that it's semi-autobiographical because some might feel that you're too close to make the really hard calls. How many of us fall in love with our regular stories? Stuff that is personal or that holds meaning to us really ratchets that part of us that is unwilling to compromise the story in any way. Let me know if I can help you anymore. I enjoyed the pilot Dan |