The Bizarre Club by Luke Mepham - Short, Comedy - The members of a club are baffled by their friends betting techniques. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Luke,

I’m not familiar with the source material so I’ve no idea how loosely based this is.

No idea why you’ve doubled up each character’s name.  Planning on filming this yourself perhaps?  Probably better to lose the names in parenthesis if it has no bearing on the story here.

The conversation regarding Sylvia at the outset was engaging but ultimately never led anywhere - all felt a bit redundant.  The second half of the story things picked back up - I kept reading to see where the bet would lead but...

Story wise I’ve got an issue with this bit:

‘He flicks it again and Geoffrey leans in and blows it out gently without many people even noticing.’

So presumably some people notice Geoffrey cheat the game, yet they say nothing, letting Wilfred cut his finger off all the same.  And how would Wilfred not notice Geoffrey blow out the flame?

‘He raises his arm up and sends it down, clutching the knife onto his hand.’

This sentence could do with tidying for a clearer understanding that Wilfred cuts off a finger.  

I was expecting some clever twist on the bet - how Wilfred tricks them out of their money in some way.  Felt a bit let down that the moment of payoff simply revolves around Geoffrey getting revenge on Wilfred for some minor name calling earlier on.  That Wilfred takes the loss of his finger in stride doesn’t add much weight to the moment.  Feels like there's a smarter way to execute this idea.  Like Geoffrey’s hand, it all feels a bit uneven...

I can’t say I’m a big fan of farce so maybe take this with a pinch of salt.

Hope this helps,

Steve  

I was certainly wondering what would happen in your story, but I found the end to be a little anticlimactic. I wanted more of a reaction from Wilfred and his friends. I found your humour to be silly a lot of the time, and the way some of your characters spoke was a little annoying. (For example 'Oh Wilfred. You startled me, you scamp', and 'Isn't it just'). I also wanted the murder story to be more developed. Other than that, pretty good, I think.

Hey, Luke: gave this a read.

Quoted Text INT. THE CLUB

Need a DAY or NIGHT in the slug. Also - why not use it to tell us a little more about the setting. i.e., what type of club is it? Just as an example:

INT. ELK'S LODGE/CARD ROOM - DAY

Or whatever is specific to your story.

Quoted Text In a quiet part of the club, slow, sultry jazz music plays. A few people are talking to each other whilst there’s the odd fellow sat by himself reading. Geoffrey(RYAN) walks down some stairs with a silver tray in his hand carrying a small glass of what seems to be sherry. He walks over to an oval table where FIVE people sit and are about to begin an unknown card game.

Shouldn't it be GEOFFREY? (i.e., who is RYAN?).

No age for any of the characters - I would reference it.

Same with the people at the table - seems like you are capping just their last names maybe? Their first names should be capped and in this case, don't think you need the last names.

All in all, kind of inefficient in many places. Why seems like sherry rather than just sherry. Why some kind of card came. Just name it (e.g., Gin Rummy or something).

Should be something like:

Slow, sultry jazz music plays.

GEOFFREY (describe him), holding a tray with a glass of Sherry,  walks towards an oval table where FIVE people play a game of Gin Rummy.

They are (list the characters CAPPING their first name).  All past seventy. The men are all dressed in suits, monocles and mustaches neatly combed. The ladies in dresses and hats with their hair done up.

Moving on.

The Dialogue. For the most part I found it excellent. The voices all rang true.

The Story:

Didn't understand how no one would notice the lighter being blown out nor see his severed finger. I didn't understand the ending at all.

Hope these notes help.