The Beautiful Game by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - In his effervescent mind, a young boy fantasizes that a Major Soccer League coach has recruited him to play in his team. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

F,
Good writing as usual.  
Knew where the story was going  with the dream sequences.

Your endings are usually upbeat.  I was surprised you went for the tears at the end.

Thought for sure this challenged kid was gonna score some kind of goal at the end.

No matter. It worked your way.

Regards,

JJ

Hi JJ, thank you very much for your kind words. Yes, the ending was a little predictable but it's actually a real story. I knew this kid. I have been a soccer coach for many years and I had many cases like Pedro.
My best,
Fausto

Hi Fausto,





This was sad but effective. I actually didn't see the end coming. i was thinking these dream sequences are too long! then I read the ending and it all made sense and I felt for him. He was putting so much time in his day dream because it's all he has.... and that is the heartbreaking part. It shows us what goes on in a kids mind, when they have to live with a disability, and that is good, because unless you live it or live with a person who is disabled you tend to not think about these things. So a good insightful short you have here.

it was an easy read, with good pacing.

'Pedro follows attentively the game.'

Should be 'Pedro attentively follows the game'

Hi Kirsten,
thank you very much for reading the script. Good catch with "attentively!"
I'm glad you liked the premise. The intent of the story was to demonstrate that people with disabilities have only dreams in their lives. The rest is pain and suffering.
Thanks again.
Fausto

Some notes.

This one is a nice little story, but I think you might make it better if there's a bit more structure and a building up of the tale.  He starts as being the best in his class.  The coach picks him.  He works on his game.  He sits on the bench because, well, he's only 10.  Then, he gets his chance and scores.  Then, the championship comes, and the score it tied, and the seconds are ticking away, and he has the ball, and the world's best defender waits between him and behind the defender is the world's best goalie.  And Pedro does a magic over kick over the defender's head, fakes out the goalie, and kicks...only to wake up.  Where he always wakes up.  But he smiles anyway.

Yes, it's all a dream, and it can't really happen, so it has to be grand, the way a kid dreams.

Best
Richard

Hi Fausto,

I also find it easy to read and like the pacing.

My notes:
1) I don't think is normal someone to ask a kid why his father left.
2) to me the below should be reformulated, it sounds better if he mentions his superb talent.... I can't explain but it didn't fit in here...but the kid talking about money works for me.

"COACH
By the way, you know that you're
going to make a lot of money, right?"