Duke by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Despite her initial objections, a wounded Veteran agrees to take a courageous first step towards recovery. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Steven

A few thoughts...
1) Fluffs the pillows, should really be cushions in a living room?
2) The was an air of mystery to this as it's not clear how she lost her leg, or the support group later... I liked that.
3) I'm not an expert om PTSD or losing a limb etc, so not sure why having a dog is a good thing, maybe a little bit of exposition to explain that element?
4) Wasn't sure about the ending... wonder if her picking a new name might be better?

Anyway, well written, well paced and covers some deep themes in the scant 6 pages... good job!

Anthony, appreciate the read.

1.Fluffs the cushions - done. Good catch.
2. I think the dialogue of the YOUNG MAN kinda sums up what Jill might be going through without her saying it. Losing the leg didn't matter as much as the aftermath. Glad you liked that.
3. I thought about that one myself. I'm still not sure why having a dog would cause her stress - my
Main objective was having the dog itself echo her condition. Will give that some thought.
4. Someone else read this and gave me a good idea for another closing line that'll work better, I think.

Thanks for reading. Steve

Hey, Steven.

I liked the read and the writing in this. The pace sets the mood really.

It made me want to see where it was leading, so I didn't put it down even for a moment. And usually scripts like that are not even my cup of tea.

I think your ending could have been punchier. Maybe Jill didn't come back but just returned to pick up her things. Then saw Duke. And maybe at the beginning there's something about names or something - so that the last line makes more sense to a reader at the end.

S,

I love hero's and dogs.   I enjoyed your story.   Sucker for sentimentality.

I was thinking that maybe Duke's issues could have been war related as well but your wrap up was "soupy fine" .

How'd you decide on Duke?

JJ  

Hey Steven,

Nice, melancholy fable you got going on here. The end felt good… right as rain, it reminded me of Seabiscuit and Red’s relationship somewhat (animals are incredibly intuitive and empathetic towards human suffering). I get the consensus that Jill was diagnosed with cancer or something and, thus, was forced to remove the lower limb for fear of it spreading. The home is where she might have been pain ridden for a length of time and, just couldn’t get past the sadness that somehow saturated the environment, Taylor’s shadow in the hall she kept seeing but, never could emerge to say anything.

She kept cleaning to occupy her mind; however, I believe that’s more of a neurosis to portray a home environment locked in bad secrets… secrets swept under a rug but, never really feels clean. Jill, IMO, might be preoccupied with fixing things that are broken: a cracked ornament, a broken chair leg, etc; something that resembles her need to feel complete again. All opinion of course. I like it, all the best.

Steven - solid writing. First - one nit issue.

Quoted Text Two people jog up the street, small at first, then closer until distinguishable. TAYLOR and JILL, both early thirties

It could be me since I have a niece named Taylor, but I did not realize Taylor was a male until page 3 - I thought they were sisters.  I would change the above to either A MAN and a WOMAN jog... or have a more gender determined named for the male.

This could just be me - but I pretty much liked everything about this except for the quickness of the ending. I thought the healing was much too rapid and would have liked a few days where her and Duke size each other up and then there was a moment when there is a connection and the healing starts. I know that is what you are going for when the dog reacts when she starts to scratch the spot - but I thought that was far too quick.

Solid work.

Hmm,  well I thought these characters were a gay couple and Jill was a causality of Iraq or Afghanistan.

As usual Rick's on the money with his suggestion of 'fixing things' as opposed to 'cleaning things' and it would gel with my interpretation of Jill being used to being active in a less domestic way, let's say. And symbolism.

Steve, I agree that short 'shorts' have a greater likelihood of being filmed but I got to the end of this and thought, where's the rest of it? Ripped off. ;D I think I'd feel the same way watching it.

You depict what's here really nicely but the opening with Jill jogging ( on a prosthetic leg) after this relatively short time? She seems to be rehabilitating nicely, going to a support group etc. Which for me meant Taylor's line didn't really tally.

It's been three months since you came
home, Jill.

Or, is that line above referring to putting off attending group support? And that he's obviously speaking about  her emotional wounds and not attending to them?

This line below is her feeling ill cause a therapy dog (essentially) will be arriving soon?

Her face goes white. She sits on the sofa and steels herself.

Heavy on the syrup and just not enough buildup or conflict between your main characters or the scenario in general, to justify the means imh, or to satisfy me from a viewing POV.

That said, written with your usual aplomb, but I didn't buy the struggle in the scant retelling.

P.S.. If you get lotsa bites on this please tell me so I can rethink my MO re 'shorts'.

Khamanna,   Thanks for reading. Glad it kept you interested. Actually, Janet read through this and gave me a nice bit of dialogue to end this on, so probably will use that in a rewrite.

JJ, Thanks for the read. Seriously, who can't resist a dog script?! :)  Happy it worked for you, and I did think about making Duke a service dog, but felt that would've been just too obvious. I'd rather keep it ambiguous, and kinda let the injurious just speak for the character, regardless of how they were incurred. And Duke? I dunno. Just kinda came to me, though it does have a protective sort of ring to it. Maybe John Wayne?

Rick, thanks for reading and speculating. Some good stuff and if I had more pages to work with I might use some of that. Love the idea that Jill likes to fix broken things. Again, on a page limit, but if I had more... Still, some good thoughts and I appreciate the read.

Dave, excellent point about Taylor, and one I had thought of when writing. Kept saying to myself I didn't want peeps to think they were a lesbian couple because I wanted to keep this traditional. Problem is, once I choose a character name I generally like to stick with it, so I'll figure out something. Thanks. And the quickness of the ending is another real issue, I know. I have another page to work with so I'll see about stretching it out. Thanks again.

Steve

Kept me going till the end and covered a lot of ground for six pages. For me, it was the mystery aspect that kept me interested more than anything. Questions of what happened to her leg, is she a veteran, and what decision she's being asked to make.

I wanna say you could up the mystery aspect even more but it might take away from the deeper themes here. For example, a little misdirection early on suggesting "the decision" involves Jill doing something destructive as opposed to a step towards healing. I don't know how to do that exactly, might be impossible without increasing the page count, but something to consider.

Quoted from SAC Rick, thanks for reading and speculating. Some good stuff and if I had more pages to work with I might use some of that. Love the idea that Jill likes to fix broken things. Again, on a page limit, but if I had more... Still, some good thoughts and I appreciate the read. Dave, excellent point about Taylor, and one I had thought of when writing. Kept saying to myself I didn't want peeps to think they were a lesbian couple because I wanted to keep this traditional. Problem is, once I choose a character name I generally like to stick with it, so I'll figure out something. Thanks. And the quickness of the ending is another real issue, I know. I have another page to work with so I'll see about stretching it out. Thanks again. Steve

My pleasure - your are 95% there

P.S. Of a different kind. ..

I don't see Close To Sunset anywhere on the discussion board, Steven Clark.

Profiled on the home page and I just left a comment.

That one really got me. Wow.

Thanks Libby! It should be under the thriller/short section. Will get to responding to you on Duke soon...

Steve,

I haven’t read any previous posts so here goes…

The question of ‘what’ pulled me along - I wanted to know where this was leading.  With your last script I was left with something to think about, whereas this one feels a bit too abrupt.  I thought maybe there would be some deeper link to the dog (like a military dog-handler) - something to tie it all together..?

You had something with the final scene, but it’s all such a quick set-up and payoff that there’s not much room in five pages to get a strong sense of characters and how much this means to Jill.  Nice idea, just left me wanting - like it could do with something extra...

Hope this helps,

Steve  

Libby,

This is the short I'm writing for the Jameson Comp, so it's cap is 7 pages. That being said...

I agree there's not a lot of WHY here. I need to find common ground with why she doesn't particularly want a dog. And Duke is obviously not a therapy dog, rather was meant to be a shadow of Jill herself.  Not looking to pile on the syrup, so to speak. Even though I got a little weepy writing this near the end. Still, it does need more to make it feel complete.

And re your "shorts" - they're few and far between really, as I was encouraged by the reception Ready Or Not got, but they're usually better when fleshed out some. This one still has two pages to play wth s maybe I can pull a rabbit out of my hat.

James,

Thanks for reading. The mystery aspect was a misdirection, as some may have guessed Taylor might have been pushing for a child, but in reality he was pushing for a dog. It's as simple as that really, I just need to convey it as such.

Steve

Steve, I've not read the other comments but this is what I thought...

The writing overall is great, no complaints there, but the ending felt a bit abrupt.

I wasn't sure what Jill was building herself up for.  I was thinking counselling at first but the community center scene put that to bed. I maybe should have guessed by the title but I didn't lol.

It's a nice story but I when it ended I thought...oh, is that it, I was expecting a bit more. I don't know what more I was expecting though lol.

Good script though.  Well written.

Steven,
I enjoyed your script...unfortunately, this is a dramatic reality ...too many veterans are coming back from Afghanistan, Iraq and now Syria with mental and physical problems. I believe that a dog gives the veteran a deep sense of friendship, a feeling that he/she doesn't get from humans. Good job!

Hello Steve,

I really enjoyed this read. Cleanly, crisply written. I really liked the efficiency with which you handled the actions and the dialogue.
Personally I always assumed Taylor was male. Oddly, taking a second look, I don't know why I made that assumption.
Taylor says that Jill has been back for three months. I assumed, quite easily, that she was a wounded vet back from a deployment. The therapy session confirmed that for me.
What's gnawing at me a bit is just why Jill is reluctant to meet/adopt a dog. It's not clear to me. Possibly she worked with a dog in her deployment.
Still, really good stuff.

Steve,
Thanks for reading. Yeah, it is a bit abrupt. Trying to think of something to tie it all in a little better.

Anthony, Thanks man. Like I told Steve, working on everything you mentioned. :)

Fausto, thanks for the read. You're right. Dogs are a great source of comfort - veterans, children, the elderly. Glad you liked the story!

Wes, Thanks for the read and glad you liked it. Jill's reluctance is a good question. I'm looking for the answer!

Steve

Rightio Steve, now I get it.

Have been giving the Jameson Alumni a look over. Some nice short films.

Real draw card with Dominic West. I'm a bit of a fan.

From what I gather, if you get in you're filmmaker in collaboration as well.

Definitely interested in looking at another draft when you're done, and the final line you're thinking of using. :)

Edit: But now one point of concern - your protag is female and this comp is meant as a vehicle for a male protag, Dominic West, so... Am I missing something?

Hey Steve,

With all the great feedback you've received, there's not really much to add here. Nicely told drama, as always. I agree that the dog thing needs some backstory. What if Jill had developed a bond with a military dog which was killed during the incident that caused her own injury? Just an idea. Or what if that dog was actually Duke - seriously injured, but still alive? The reunion scene would be a real tearjerker. ;)

Anyway, I'm sure you can come up with your own solutions. Best of luck!

Manolis