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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / The Arms
Posted by: Don, April 17th, 2017, 11:48am
The Arms by Mark Brooks - Short, Drama - A desperate robber enters the wrong pub at opening time when trying to make some easy money. 9 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: Warren, June 10th, 2017, 7:20pm; Reply: 1
Hi Mark,
Straight off the bat, we have some issues:
Quoted Text A MAN, early 30s, is sitting on a bench watching the pub from a distance. Patient, pensive, hands in his jacket pockets. This is GRANT.
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Why introduce the same character twice in the same block of action. It serves no purpose. "Grant, early 30's" would be fine.
Also, some passive writing which I imagine will continue throughout the script. This would be better, "sits on a bench and watches a/the pub"
Okay, I've finished reading it now.
I enjoyed it, it's a simple yet effective premise. Would be easy to film.
There is a lot of dialogue but it felt natural for the most part. I really enjoyed Adam's monolog from the end of page 6 onto page 7. I usually cringe when I see big blocks of dialogue like that but it was very effective.
I can definitely see something like this being made.
Well done.
Posted by: eldave1, June 10th, 2017, 9:26pm; Reply: 2
Similar feedback - opening was clumsy but a great recovery from there.
It is a take told often but thought you did a solid job with it.
Posted by: RichardR, June 15th, 2017, 1:33pm; Reply: 3
Some notes.
Nice little tale. I was hoping that when Alan told his history, he either got one from Grant or earned a bullet. After all, if Grant really wants to keep from looking over his shoulder every day, he shoots Alan right then. But that's me.
Good job.
Richard
Posted by: Simon, September 3rd, 2017, 8:44am; Reply: 4
Nice story and dialogue. It's good that you gave it depth by putting jokes in there, this wasn't a straightforward robbery scene. Just a thought, but would Grant bother listening to Alan's long speech?
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), September 4th, 2017, 2:23am; Reply: 5
Posted by: eldave1, September 4th, 2017, 10:52am; Reply: 6
Quoted from DustinBowcot Is the writer around? |
I think other than peeps I know I am going to start off every review with this question before I post note one from now on.
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