Make America Great Again by Walter Gates & Carl Bernwood - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Political, Thriller - In post-apocalyptic Oklahoma, one year into Donald Trump's presidency, three people with opposing political views discover a tape proving that the President colluded with Russia. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

More one for the yanks than brits, but we can out that aside.

Digging up reels of tape in a desert? For no apparent reason, hey ho.

I like the idea of a discovery after an event, but this one wasn't for me.

And they never did get to McDonald's ...

Hate the title, that is a phrase that grates on me more than anything in the world!

Hmm, starts with the biggest co-incidence ever and on a media that seems unlikely! Hope both get some sort of explanation...

Azure and Ashley... too many As.

So the co-incidence and media get a mention but no explanation... I'm struggling.

Okay, so many hope something like this comes to pass, but I just couldn't get into it as there was no real conflict, felt a little by the numbers.

I feel like there might be some sort of political undertones with this one.

Call it a 'fifth sense', a 'hunch', 'woman's intuition'.  Others may not see it, but I do.


On to the script:

I have no idea what this was about.

It's well written, the dialogue flows, and it's easy to visualize...but...I don't know what the hell is going on.

I was hoping that the ending would clear some things up, but I was just as lost there as I was in the beginning.

Jordan

The parody (?) isn't quite fitting with the theme of Apocalypse, to me, just conspiracy  Odd that the last names of the heroes are those of Presidents, one of which resigned because of a scandal. In any case, I never been a fan of that sort of thing with names in a script. I don't care for it when writers namedrop the last names of directors and authors to show me how Geek they are, I don't find it amusing when the names of former Presidents are used as names of fictional characters. Maybe if the last names were less obvious or more appropriate like Coolidge or Ford.(two past Presidents who had to 'clean up' scandals from the previous administrations of their own party)

I'm not a Trump supporter by any means, but taking jabs at the other Republicans and/or others in office is overkill.  Even in this land of fiction, only Trump and Putin are on the tape. Not VP Pence. Not Speaker of the House Ryan. Nobody else.Or does the discovery of the tape (which suggests a wiretap?) actually bring about Armageddon?

Ah! Maybe we are on to something! After all, what is anarchy but the absence of government?  

I'm curious about the ending. These guys are better off but the entire office is using typewriters? Maybe I I was right about the anarchy thing and we all went back to War Against The Typewriter Ribbons and the White Out.

I got a lot of scripts to read so I'll say this.

As pisser's go, this isn't even a good one because it's boring. You spend a tone of time describing clothes and that is one of my biggest pet peeves, clothes don't make character, but in this case that's all your has, the shirts on their backs. Fitting given the story.

Very bland on the nose dialogue. There is no plot really. Just wandering. Too many verbs ending in "ing".

The concept isn't even done that well. It's a one trick pony you beat to death by the end of the first page. I got to page 5 before I realized this was going nowhere.

Better luck next time. Feel free to blame Trump for your lackluster script while you're at it too! :) Or maybe it was Putin who sabotaged it? Who knows, lol.

Hey writer,

Alas, not for me unfortunately. Nothing really worked or made that much sense.

If you're going to go surreal and extreme for comedy effect, go up a gear. This kinda sat in 3rd gear, with the angles and content meant to be extreme and funny, but not really hitting the target. Then the ending, in doing headlines for half a page didn't really work, could have done that in three lines.

Regardless, well done on entering,

Cam

Was he digging for prairie dogs for lunch? I went back to check what you had for genre thinking this was a comedy or satire. Being post-apocalypse, who would care about an unsubstantiated reel to reel? Didn't get the ending either.

Sorry, not for me. Kudos for entering!

Well, I was expecting something like this. Where Trump is blamed for the apocalypse. Seems right to me. But I’d like to know more about what happened. He just financially broke the country? While breaking the environment? I guess I’ll go with that. But Trump didn’t cause a nuclear war? Or did he? Did I miss something?
The way they find the tape is, for me, just not plausible.
I've been through Oklahoma many times. There is no dinner in the dirt.
They go to Hoss. They leave Hoss. They go back to Hoss.  It’s a bit redundant.
And the world believes their story? And no one tries to kill them?
The dialogue was okay. Characters were rather cliché.
Sorry. Can't say I'd vote for this one.  

For an apocalypse, there seem to be a lot of newspapers, television stations, McDonald's, etc. still in business, so what kind of apocalypse was it? Nuclear war? Economic? Not really sure it fits the contest rules, but I'll let that slide, I guess.

The bigger issue for me is that I can't tell if it's trying to be a comedy or drama. I guess maybe a dramedy? But the story doesn't seem to make any sense to me, especially the logic behind it.  Reel to reel tapes buried in Oklahoma, but they're only voice recordings? Why bury them? Why not burn them?  And how can they prove (if it's only voice recordings) that it's Putin and Trump?  Seems like the political humor isn't sharp or biting enough to make any sort of commentary.  The writing itself was fine, but the story just fell flat for me.

Best of luck,
Gary

Logline doesn’t pull any punches though I’m wondering how this will play as a drama/political/thriller -- feels more suited to satire or comedy.

After reading I’m just confused.  All I’ve got to go on is your intent but this doesn’t play out like a drama or a thriller - more like satire or farce.  Though I’m not sure what to make of the tone at all.  Digging for food in the desert one moment then heading to McDonalds for burgers the next...

‘...the biggest political scandal since Watergate’.  Seems like a moot point given the post-apocalyptic setting.  But then what was this apocalypse?  Nuclear?  Gradual disintegration of society?  People are still employed, money is still relevant and national papers are still in circulation enough with a government in place…  Apologies to the writers but this one feels rushed into place with little thought to the execution.  I just found it hard to see the logic behind it.

Sorry to say, this one didn't do much for me at all. An anti-Trump piece would be fine, but this, for lack of a better word, was boring.

I'm not an American so maybe I have missed some things, but this didn't seen funny, dramatic, thrilling. It was flat. I did keep reading because I felt something would happen. Sadly, nothing did.

Sorry, not for me.

Not a big political humor guy, but willing to give this a chance.

Azure, huh?  if you insist that's a name, then i believe you.

not exactly gripping dialogue in the first scene.  also, i know it fits the story, but 2 people in 2018 only wearing democratic politically themed t shirts seems like a stretch.

don't like the characters explaining everything.  doesn't feel natural at all.

This McDonalds stuff better have a strong payoff.  

it didn't.

not for me.  

Title makes me think this is going to be a pisser.

Title page makes me think this is going to be a pisser even more.

Yeah, as I thought.  Not funny, not a serious effort.  I'm out.

No grade.

Aha someone tackling Trump

Not exactly a riveting read and not exactly creative. Using a story that's out now and just sticking it in your script and then dragging it on for 12 pages didn't really work for me.
Humor wise it was ok

The writing was pretty good.

Good job on entering

Thought this was going to be a pisser or a parody, but it seems like someone's political fantasy. I'm as frustrated as the next guy as to how mad the world has gone recently but if you are going to write about it, be subtle with your message, otherwise you'll lose your audience.

Competently written but neither funny (for me of course) or creative. I didn't understand the ending with the phone ringing but got the rest of it.

-Mark

My third read and my second Trump.

2 - Not sure the quality of the clothes serves any purpose other than announcing political opinion?

Hmm. Not sure the script serves any purpose other than announcing political opinion. Nothing wrong with a little harmless fantasy, but it needs to come from an unexpected angle, I think. This is people's actual fantasy -- one big break, impeachment and jail for all -- so it's not particularly interesting in script form.

The core of the script, as I take it, is that three people of different political leanings making a decision to work together. I think it should kick off quick and get right to the three of them arguing about what to do. The characters will be funnier if they're allowed to conflict with each other more.

Sorry writer, but, like the others, this didn't work for me.  

I'm not gonna pile on because the reasons are the same.

I'm anti-Trump and I found this to be in bad taste...

It didn't do anything, we didn't see the apocalypse, and for an apocalypse, the phones work, TV works, there are jobs, Mcdonalds, people live in houses, so, what happened?  

Good job entering, but, this needs a serious fix-up.

Dan

I actually enjoyed this. I liked the overall idea too.
Surprised you didnt call it a political satire or a comedy.

What I didnt like is their digging - thay just happen to find it. It was not their aim or anything. I think you should rethink that part. Better show them being upset with the government and searching for ways to bring it down I think. Just an opinion. Good luck to you with it

Hi Writer,

I see you had fun with this, wishful thinking and all. A lot, quite a lot of political figures within this story that completely took me out of the read, simply because it depends solely on a preconceived notion of who these people are. I mean, outside of the main caricatures, I have not a clue if this is meant to be a biased (slapstick) from someone on the far left, far right… or somewhere in between. But, I can appreciate the effort that went into it with just a week to write something, so, kudos to that. Writing is good IMO :)

So, there you have it, one man’s political theater is another man’s comedy zone. All the best.

"He has seven of them
hanging up on one wall." Why not 14? Haha, this all is so deliberately pathetic. Nice.

I don't get all the political insider jokes since I don't live in your country but I must say you got a definite feel how to handle such kind of political satire. Characters are fun too.

Oh Nooo, the third act you did completely to the contrary, the wrong way imo. Arresting all the Trump kin is too one-sided. In satire, you shouldn't directly show what you think is a right message. It must be more ambiguous, should work with subtext, and anyway, on a political-satire-level, you by no means should stamp down and destroy your opponent -- rather let them have a little mercy/grace with a wink, that shows the dignity of your personal ethics and represents your knowing, truthfully reflection. Because, otherwise, you actually would just mirror the injustice of your target in your own behavior. You need an ending with more class so to say. (btw — that does not mean you cannot hit equally hard with a different approach)

Whatever, I liked it pretty much, just the last part felt stylistically off. Good work.

Writer,

Pretty well written, good premise but kinda ended with a whimper. No big twist, no surprise, just the facts, which wasn't all that entertaining, but you gave us a smooth read. And, you also provided a happy ending of sorts for our mains. Decent job for a quick week.

Steve

Turned off by the logline and title as I'm sick of political anything. Sorry.

What genre is this? Why does Hoss try to kill himself? What is the click? What kind of food are they digging for? And why are they digging if there is still a McDonalds?

What does the trip to McDonalds have to do with anything?

What in the world happened at the end?

Not for me sorry writer.

I know this wasn't the intention, but Hoss’ questions on page 8 are actually fairly compelling and would seriously cause me to doubt the legitimacy of the tape.

Find it hard to believe all those newspaper publications would survive post apocalypse. They're barely hanging on right now.

A fun bit of wish fulfillment here. It sort of rushes through its plot beats, but I understand this had to fit in 12 pages. It felt like some jokes were left on the table, though. For example, I thought the Bearded Homeless Man would turn out to be Joe Biden.

So topical, but a little off the mark story-wise.

Make America Great Again - Apocalypse, Drama, Political, Thriller - In post-apocalyptic Oklahoma, one year into Donald Trump's presidency, three people with opposing political views discover a tape proving that the President colluded with Russia. 

Rating: 1
Thoughts: There are so many ways to exploit Trump and this feels like the most generic.  There's no imagination put into the concept.  Some people think that the name "Trump" automatically makes something interesting and they don't have to try with the rest of the idea. 
 


TITLE: Make America Great Again

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 2

Story - 2

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 4

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Total: 3.0

Hey, you've got a good rating, congrats!
And yes, like I said I liked it. (maybe it's because I'm not really Russian. But don't tell anyone)

I'd turn it into a comedy - the theme is an absurd a little. It's contained, you have a shot at having it made I think.