Everyone Has Their Own Demons by Insert Name Here - Short, Apocalypse, Dramedy, Sci Fi - The willpower of a recovering alcoholic is put to the test when he takes shelter from the apocalypse in a sports bar. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Like the title and logline - nice bit of conflict

I enjoyed some bits like the bad day and the random sloth, but whilst we had the devil arrived to challenge him, it did seem to wander of and the rest wasn't for me

Nice idea, has some potential for a contained short.

I really like the title and the logline here.

John is a bit passive from the very beginning. The rest of them have the best lines and I think it should be the other way around to pull your reader in.

Part of it are funny, it's more of a comedy for me.
Overall I don't see much struggle from John and I wish I did.

The deadly sins  - that's a nice idea.
I didn't get the ending though. The growler must be gluttony?

There's some reasonable comedy here and a decent ensemble cast but... I just didn;t buy it, why's Lucifer fucking about in a bar with a bunch of losers when the apocalypse is outside?

Liked the random sloth though, funny!

I thought this was pretty good. Not great, but certainly not bad. Lots of typos and unnecessary slugs inside the bar, but nothing that really messed up the read.

John's struggle was obviously with his alcoholism. Facing the end as we know it, he still wouldn't give in to temptation. That was great. I loved the pop star!!!

Wasn't too crazy about Luke entering the story. I would've preferred to just he the rest of the characters deal with the impending doom.

I think I read somethiing similar to this one for that 2 page comp about a comet hitting or such.

Great one week work. I enjoyed the read.  8)

Writer!!

The first line had me going, great start. The rest was funny in bits, very surreal (a good thing in my book), and the dialogue held up pretty well. Nice and quirky, and it kinda worky work...ied.

Now, there's an absolute load of missing commas, and grammatical issues, also chuck a "cont'd" in there once and a while. The grammatical issues, that's minus points right there, but I think the content outweighs all that.

A good laugh, kept me entertained, probably not going to win but who really cares?

Cam

Title’s a bit of a mouthful, but the logline works for me.  An alcoholic seeking refuge in a bar during the end of the world...

Sign on the community centre door made me chuckle - sets the tone out of the gate.

I liked where you were going with this with all the disparate characters; though you lost me a little with the appearance of Luke.  I was hoping this would be a little more grounded - but that’s my take.  Figures Lucifer would be a hipster...

Do you still have to hide in the bathroom to do coke in the apocalypse?  Maybe a force of habit…

Wouldn’t the Devil try to trick John into drinking rather than straight up physically forcing him?  Isn’t that part of his M.O.?  Maybe not…  Central idea is a good one - an alcoholic holding onto his commitment even when pitted against the end of the world.  Some amusing lines, John just seemed to blend into events rather than drive the story which doesn’t lead to much by way of a payoff.

I liked this one.  It's funny and I can relate to it.  ( I have 20 minutes sober )  Kidding..

Good story, and I did like the ending.

This one may be on me, because people seem to find this amusing at least. It just wasn't my thing. Maybe I've got a crap sense of humour. That, along with some spelling and grammar mistakes make this one not for me.

But it seems I'm in the minority.

I like the sound of the logline, reminds me of Shaun of the Dead and Winchester... and I'm really glad there is a "edy" at the end of "dram."

ah man, the opening passage isn't a good start.  few things bug me more than repeating the slug in the action line

shaky dialogue so far.

This Pop Star definitely isn't working as a character.

None of these people are really working as characters, sorry to say.

Bailing.  Sorry.  Probably a twist, but not sticking around for it

Another pisser...or uh...comedy?

Doesn't seem to be a serious entry, not funny, loaded with writing mistakes of every kind to the point it does seem to be intentionally taking a piss.

I'm out.  No grade.

I think if the world was ending, the AA meetings would be open and packed.

However, moving on. This one has a lot of charm and potential. There's parts were it is funny, parts where it is way over the top and parts where it is serious. The tone mix isn't quite there yet but it could be, it's just finding that balance.

I liked the mix of characters in the Bar. A bit Shaun of the Dead but it could work. Luke appearing at the end was a bit off but again, just needs a bit of work. At the moment he's a bit too explainy.

It seems like you maybe ran out of pages and time. I'd like to see John save the day. He, of all the people in the bar has the most demons and yet he's managed to resist them for a year. If an alcoholic was going to slip, the apocalypse would be the perfect excuse and yet he continues fighting despite knowing it is all over.

That is noble, he deserves a better ending than dropping his token in the gutter.

I do like this, very decent effort - lots of subtext, I'd encourage the writer to continue working on it outside the OWC.

-Mark

1 - "Just typical..." Could probably leave this as a visual joke.

7 - The gag about them not recognizing "Luke" is extremely funny and could probably bear another couple of guessed names before the reveal.

9 - Sloth - again, the visual gag is so funny, and it's undercut by having him say the word out loud.
Not a fan of them holding him down -- this gets ride of the choice that I always took to be central when it comes to ol' Lucifer (and drama too, I suppose!). I wonder if there's something else Luke can do that's unfair but stops short of outright force?

***

Quick, funny, creative. Good stuff. I think Luke shows up a bit late, and I think his central goal here is a little unclear. Rewrites just need to pare down anything that isn't immediately funny or dramatic, though. My personal preference would be to ground the tone a tiny bit more so that the surrealism creeps up on you -- give the characters names, dial them back a little, and so on -- but that's just preference.

Enjoyed this one.

You spelled favorite as favourite so, I'm assuming the writer is a Brit.

Well, I didn't really care for this one.  Lots of bad slugs.  Very cliched stereotypes.  

Even SPOILERS
The devil was a stereotype.  And I'd never get lucifer from Luke.  Luci, yes, or Lucy, but, Luke?  I was thinking Luke from the Bible at first...

There is a story here.  But, it needs an overhaul.  We don't know what the apocalypse is, and why wouldn't AA be open for that?  I'd think churches and such places would be packed.

Good luck
Dan

Few more to go, I might as well start here.
This was humorous enough; I got a kick out of some of the visuals, references, etc. Never been to an ‘AA’ meeting, so, not familiar with the sobriety tokens but, with a bit ‘o deductive reasoning will assume it means he’s been on the wagon for at least a year… like a Cub Scout Badge.

Not entirely down with his concern about being sober re: an apocalypse, I mean… really? I’ve never shot heroin but I hear that it’s the ‘be all end all’ of mind trips and, I tell ya’, if the world was gonna’ end soon… I’d probably be all over that shit like a fat kid on a Smartie.

I also got a kick out of the Se7en sins integration into the main theme and, Luke showing up to get the end of the world party started. The bar could have had a different name IMO, cause I thought we were gonna’ be introduced to some crazy mythological beings on flaming steed, or… y’ know. Only other gripe is the other patrons, their generic names that is, which kind of pulled me away from their own personal dilemma, etc. Overall, it was a fun read, well done.

Definitely a slow burner, building up with smooth pace, which is okay since I like your scenario of crazy pre-apocalyptic folks in a bar.

Appearance of Luke, the magical bartender, is a nice mid-point and accelerates the story.

Cool dialogue. However, John gets quite passive then and lets Luke dictate the stage pretty easily.

"Sloth" - part felt goofy and hurt the otherwise fine atmosphere. The joke felt unbalanced to me in case of the rest.

All in all, a coherent piece. I enjoyed the show here. Good work.

Okay, there were a few chuckles in places.
John doesn't grow or change for me. He's been resisting alcohol for some time. He still does. but there's nothing else terribly interesting about him for me.
I don't get the ending. John Jr. walks in and Lucifer admits he made a boo boo?
Thanks for giving it a shot.  

Nice title, funny logline.

First sentence contains the word "shit." I usually don't swear in the action lines and save it all for the fucking dialogue. ;D Whatever makes me look more fucking professional. :P

How "slightly overweight" is John? Are we talking Homer Simpson, 2017 skinny John Goodman, Roseanne John Goodman, Flintstones John Goodman, John Candy, Pavarotti, or King Kong?

A "sign" of the Apocalypse. And a "fucking" funny one, too. ;D

Quoted Text [John] Shak[es] the door violently this time[,] but it still doesn’t open.

Quoted Text JOHN ({u}nder his Breath) Fuck. That’s my day ruined.

Parentheticals, which would be used sparingly anyway (if at all), should start with a lowercase letter.

Watch out for orphans, too. Too many of those will waste a good page or two.

I'd put "one year sobriety" in quotes or hyphenate it.

Some writers hate it when you repeat your slug in your action line

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

A beautiful house.

It's redundant, unless there's no other way to write the action. And there's almost always another (better) way.

"Four Horseman." I see what you did there.

"stops dead in [his] tracks"

Is Under His Breath somebody's name? If not, no need to capitalize.

I have nothing against (most of) today's pop music, but does rock no longer exist?

Quoted Text The more the fucking merrier on the one way train to Shitsville!

Take the last train to Shitsville
And I'll meet you at the station
You can be there by four-thirty
'Cause I've made your reservation

"Wanna" drink or "want a" drink? Two different things.

"Hold on[,] love."

"back s[h]elf"

A 50s hipster or a 2010s hipster? "Cool, daddy-o" or "I don't listen to Halsey anymore; she's too mainstream. Ugh!"? It might help to specify, since some people still like to dress up like Fonzie or a beatnik.

Titles such as Mister need to be spelled out in dialogue, for timing reasons.

"Jack Daniel's"

"John's hand"

A literal demon! Nice. He even Rick James-es his name. ;D

"one of [my] seven deadly sins."

"the everything about envy"??

A literal sloth! Ha ha! Nice! ;D

Hell, the place, is usually capitalized.

Quoted Text Hold him down.

Quoted Text But it's the devil that's tryna Hold me down, hold me down Sneaking out the back door, make no sound Knock me out, knock me out Saying that I want more, this is what I live for Hold me down, hold me down Throw me in the deep end, watch me drown Knock me out, knock me out Saying that I want more, this is what I live for - Halsey, "Hold Me Down"

"bottle [of] Jack Daniel['s] in his hand"

Quoted Text Fuck me, I did it again.

"Oops! I did it again" would've been hilarious, too.

"Four Horsemen." "Fade to Black." Intentional? *Metallica*

That was a hoot! Lots of laughs, and suits the apocalypse criteria.

I enjoyed this one. A few typos and spelling issues but I can get over that. I liked John's struggle during the first few moments in the bar more than his struggles with Luke. Also had to go back to see what genre you had this listed (dramedy, okay). The sloth, albeit humorous, was a bit over the top. A civil servant might have been even funnier. Good work - entertaining.

Love the logline and the title works for me.

A little too much cussing from the get go for me but I love the first line. :) Just gets old if you overuse IMO.

Not sure if you need a separate slug for the booth...

back self... should be shelf I think.

in the stool... on the stool

lift her ...should be lifts

littered with typos throughout.

I about choked at the sloth! :)

I love this. Was a fun easy read even with the typos. :) I laughed all the way through it.

Great job.

Writer,

Very good. You got a few chuckles out of me. I like your dialogue - straight up in your face, say what you're thinking. Not sure if you should've trimmed this, or added to it. Maybe added. You probably had a few opportunities to make this better.  I'd work in it, polish it, send it back out again. There's some potential here. But definitely clean up the typos and punctuation - there's a bunch. Nice work.

Steve

Page 1: “Footsteps and loud screams…” What about GUNSHOTS and loud screams? I think he needs more motivation to get in this bar. I know it's supposed to be the apocalypse, but the noise you described could easily be soccer hooligans as well.

Maybe it's unfair that I'm choosing this moment to be picky, but why didn't any of the people already in the bar lock it before John showed up?

Too many characters, which is a shame cause you had a couple good ones to focus on. The Pop Star who can't deal with the fact that his fame is now meaningless and the Business Woman who cann't deal with the fact that her money is now meaningless. I could almost see a theme about to take shape. Will John realize that his sobriety is now meaningless? With the appearance of Luke, I'm afraid that thread is slipping away.

Okay, so a different theme emerged, and it probably would've taken more space to roll your theme into mine. C’est la vie.

This wasn't bad. I like what was being attempted and think it could be quite good with some more work.

Everyone Has Their Own Demons - Apocalypse, Dramedy, Sci Fi - The willpower of a recovering alcoholic is put to the test when he takes shelter from the apocalypse in a sports bar.

Rating: 4
Thoughts: Okay, now we have an idea with some irony.  An alcoholic in a sports bar.  I also like how it doesn't look at the apocalypse from the most obvious perspective.  Nice.


TITLE: Everyone Has Their Own Demons

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 3

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 1

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 1

Dialogue reveals character -  1

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 3

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.3