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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  April 2017 OWC  /  A Toast, To Armageddon - OWC
Posted by: Don, April 21st, 2017, 11:23pm
A Toast, To Armageddon by Anonymous 4 - Short, Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - When an estranged father kidnaps his ten year old son in preparation for the end of the world, the boy must decide exactly how much he trusts the man he calls 'Dad'. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: MarkRenshaw, April 22nd, 2017, 11:51am; Reply: 1
Nicely written. A bit too much detail at the beginning (Brown hair, brown eyes why? does it matter at all what the colour is?) but that's fine, some like that and some don't. The opening conversation is awkward - it sounds very much ex-positional and just for the audiences benefit but once they reach the cabin it sounds much more natural.

I guessed where this was going early on so I started drifting and scanning through the action. The end therefore threw me a curve ball.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I guessed that his dad was a bit mental and had escaped prison, kidnapped his son, killed a few folks and was going to commit murder/suicide at the end. Everything pointed towards this but then you put the actual apocalypse at the end? How did the father know this when no-one else on the planet was aware?

Or was it the drugs kicking in and all a hallucination? I think you need to be a bit clearer as I was scratching my head but not in a good way.

Overall though, a decent effort.

-Mark
Posted by: Gum, April 22nd, 2017, 12:10pm; Reply: 2
Hi writer,

Well written and, definitely has an apocalyptic theme surrounding it. I’m just curious how John could be in possession of this information, a little insight could go a long way IMO. I do get the sense that John was a 'prepper' and awaiting the demise of humanity in some way, thus, was ready when the time came.

It’s believed that something as obvious as meteors destroying earth would be common knowledge at this point, giving everyone a fair chance to take cover but, on the flip side, it’s also believed that those in control of the MSM would ensure no one knew about the event in order to prevent mass panic… everyone’s gonna’ die anyway; in their home or on the highway during their panic flight, so what’s the point.

As well, it gives the upper echelons of those who control nation states, vis-à-vis… the elite (mind you, I don’t like that word for them, I prefer ‘parasites’), more time to access their underground bunkers without all the masses getting in their way. Of course, none of these fucktards (elite) can fly their own private jets and, when the shit finally hits the fan I beg them to find a God fearing soul to transport them to their rodent hole when the world’s about to end.

Back to the story. John would have to of been in a certain position to possess this knowledge. He kept referring to the Government as the progenitors of all the death surrounding he and Danny’s flight to safety, thus, I’m wondering if John himself is in league with those same individuals who worked for the elite in some shape or form but, when it came time to transport them to their place of safety… just said: “fuck it, your on your own like everyone else”. I think I could understand fully any of John’s actions after that.

Curious it was a ‘Red’ pill and not blue. No one ever takes the ‘Blue Pill’. The overall story was disturbing but, we are talking about an Apocalypse here, well done. Best of luck!
Posted by: stevie, April 22nd, 2017, 5:36pm; Reply: 3
Pretty good this one though a tad convoluted at times. Reminded me of Stephen King's Firestarter when they got to the cabin lol.

Would a TV channel broadcast a police alert for a possible child 'kidnapping'? It would be quite common in the US i think but maybe they would, I dunno.

Anyway I liked it and it flowed along nicely so good effort!
Posted by: SteveUK, April 23rd, 2017, 11:40am; Reply: 4
I enjoyed this one, but I did have a couple of issues with it.

The introductions of Danny and John could do with polishing - do we really need to know the colour of their hair, eyes and clothes? It doesn’t tell us anything about them as characters and seems redundant.

The dialogue between John and Danny near the beginning was a little expositional and forced. A lot of it felt more like something a parent would say to an older teenager - it didn’t feel like a natural conversation between a father and his 10yr old son, especially the part about the caliber of rounds that were fired into his mother’s back.

As has been mentioned by others earlier, I think there needed to be more clarification on how John knew what was coming. Where did he get his info from? Did he have some kind of vision? I don’t think you need to go into to much detail, but there should be something to make the reader question whether he’s telling the truth or if he’s just crazy. As it is, his claims seem completely unfound.

Despite those few issues I did enjoy reading this, and especially liked the way it ended.
Posted by: Cameron (Guest), April 23rd, 2017, 12:10pm; Reply: 5
Hey writer,

The first couple of pages, the dialogue, to me, felt a bit clunky and could be tidied up, but over the whole piece it's pretty well written.

The contents. This is the second family murder script, and whilst I think I like it better than the other, I still didn't quite get it. The father, a loose cannon who believes the end of the world is neigh (correctly), abducts his son and legs it off to the middle of no where, que ending (which I won't give away).

It was largely well written, but just the story didn't grab me, and even though we've got to sit back and admire the work and accept the characters won't be influenced by our opinions, my opinions of John were pretty low.

Anyway, good job on the writing, subject matter maybe not so.

Cam
Posted by: Wes, April 23rd, 2017, 12:38pm; Reply: 6
I get that the eye color and hair color descriptions feed to the "Amber Alert" (as those TV announcements are called in the U.S.) later in the script. But maybe there's a way to be a bit more subtle with it. Like, later in the script Danny looks in a mirror and we further describe him then.
Just how in the world is John the only person on earth who knows the Earth is going to be destroyed by meteors?
John has been to the cabin, killed the old man, then gone out and kidnapped Danny and returned to the cabin? I’ll buy it. Just wanted to throw that out there.
On page 7 the non-custodial father is called “John Stillman” in one place and then “Paul Stillm-“ in another.
So, other than a couple of leaps I had to take, it was well written. Characters seem well developed.
Fairly well

one.
Posted by: Wes, April 23rd, 2017, 12:39pm; Reply: 7
I get that the eye color and hair color descriptions feed to the "Amber Alert" (as those TV announcements are called in the U.S.) later in the script. But maybe there's a way to be a bit more subtle with it. Like, later in the script Danny looks in a mirror and we further describe him then.
Just how in the world is John the only person on earth who knows the Earth is going to be destroyed by meteors?
John has been to the cabin, killed the old man, then gone out and kidnapped Danny and returned to the cabin? I’ll buy it. Just wanted to throw that out there.
On page 7 the non-custodial father is called “John Stillman” in one place and then “Paul Stillm-“ in another.
So, other than a couple of leaps I had to take, it was well written. Characters seem well developed.
Fairly well done.
Posted by: Ryan1, April 23rd, 2017, 12:53pm; Reply: 8
Overall, a well-structured tale, but overwritten and confusing in some places.  The dialogue between father and son early on has already been mentioned in several posts.  Had a real expository feel, plus it was a little confusing with all that farm talk.

The Raveonettes song lyrics took up a lot of space that I think would have better spent on the actual story.

On page 7, the TV alert refers to John as Paul.

But the biggest question, of course, is how a dirtbag like John would have this Illuminati-level knowledge.  How would he know the end is nigh?  This script sort of reminds me of the other one where the father obtains his dark knowledge by speaking with God.  I think some explanation for this is warranted here.

In the end the world is a better place without murdering scum like John.  Too bad the world itself had to end for him to die, but oh well.  Despite the flaws, Good story.
Posted by: Nomad, April 23rd, 2017, 3:28pm; Reply: 9
I like it.

A little mystery.  Who done it.  Who's crazy.  Who's not.

My only gripe is with the Ravonettes.  I'm not a Ravonettes fan so I'm not familiar with the song.
I feel I would have appreciated this more if it were a song I knew.

It's as if I said, "You have to drive the PADS from the OS to the EOL in a straight line but make sure you Z-Val before you do."  If you don't know anything about field artillery survey, this won't make any sense.

And...I didn't feel the dialogue was done as well as it could have been.  It was acceptable, but a little too on-the-nose.

The way I see it:  John was an astronomer who had knowledge of the impending impact and the government tried to silence him and only was able to kill his wife before he and his son escaped.

Hopefully the red pills were Valium or Ecstasy and not cyanide.  If you're going to go out, go out feeling good.

I enjoyed the ending.  Well done.

Jordan
Posted by: Gary in Houston, April 23rd, 2017, 4:09pm; Reply: 10
Overall, a well-written story, probably one of the best ones I've read so far.  I'm a little puzzled at the ending, whether they're hallucinating, but I can't believe that's the case, because they both wouldn't be hallucinating the same things, I'm guessing, just like I'm speculating that he's killing people because he's looney toons.

My biggest concern is that no one (NO ONE!) knows a massive meteor is coming to destroy the earth.  I've seen this in maybe three scripts so far, and it's just a real stretch for me to buy into that plot device.

If I had one quibble with the story (other than the ending) is the use of the Ravenettes' song, as I don't know how much it added to the story.  I think it may have distracted me more than advanced the cause, as I kept reading the lyrics trying to see how it tied in with the story as a whole, and all I could get out of it was "fireworks."

Still, very good effort here.
Best,
Gary
Posted by: Michael, April 23rd, 2017, 8:37pm; Reply: 11
Don't know how the ravonettes are a character I sure was sick of them.  The whole thing doesn't work for me.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, April 24th, 2017, 2:12pm; Reply: 12
Logline - good, has decent conflict. Makes me curious about why he thinks that, and also what happens

As an aside, A bit too much in essay detail - brown coat, blue car etc way too much music referenced

Otherwise I quite liked that.

Nice tension, unsure why and what will happen.

Other than the special effects of the sky it is quite contained and could be filmed

All the best
Posted by: DanC, April 24th, 2017, 3:01pm; Reply: 13
I thought it was pretty good.  

I don't think there was an apocalypse.  


SPOILERS

I think the father killed himself and his son with those pills.  I think they shared a mass hallucination from the father's power of suggestion.  

The father's a bad dude.  He did kill his wife (as evident by the .45 caliber gun the kid sees.)

It was pretty good, just not sure it fits the parameters of the challenge.  

Good job
Dan
Posted by: Conz, April 24th, 2017, 3:35pm; Reply: 14
I have a pet peeve... i don't think I'm the only one, and it's probably not as big a deal as some would make it seem, but if you're gonna cue music in your script, use a song that EVERYONE probably knows.  how can i get the scope and tone of the scene if i have no clue what song is playing?  it's giving me homework.  I have to go to youtube and listen to it.

and i acknowledge that i may be the jackass here, and that is a super classic song everyone else knows... but I've never heard of it.   Also, for the record I've seen examples like this in pro scripts too.  A writer envisions his scene with the perfect backing song, but if it isn't "Love Me Do" or something, readers aren't gonna have a clue what they're supposed to hear.

ok, mini-rant over.

and with that, you gave me lyrics from the song... i guess i appreciate that.  but it's exactly what i figured.  the song has a meaning that fits the script, so you rolled with it.  Maybe cut the intro of the song until the lyrics speak as dialogue.  Don't even mention it earlier.

John Stillman.  Paul Stillman?

i like how the title played into the finale, but I'm left wondering why John was the only one who knew?  ... I guess all questions aren't answered.  

Despite you making me eat my words on the song (I'm leaving the note there) by using the lyrics, still not crazy about some unknown song being the cayalyst for this story.  ... but in the end it wasn't bad.  a spin on what was expected.  you see the crazed dad and just assume he's full of shit, but this time he wasn't.  probably still not the freshest idea, but solid nonetheless.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, April 25th, 2017, 4:13pm; Reply: 15
I think the intro needs some attention, it's overly descriptive and some of the dialogue seems both OTN and not what a father would say to a 10 year old...

However, I immediately get a sense that there's something wrong here and that Danny is in danger.

Agree re the Ravonettes thing, never heard of them or the song, so that bits not working for me...

But after the third page it's hooked me and dragged me in, need to know what's happened and if the apocalype is anything more than a figment ...

Nice ending, worked well... though some earlier reference to astronomy or something might help.

Good job.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), April 25th, 2017, 6:37pm; Reply: 16
The Raveonettes?  WTF?

"stairs" - Nope..."stares"

Why do we have all this attention to what these 2 are wearing, hair color, eye color?  Well, let's see if there's a reason.

Dialogue is pretty good and you've set this tale in motion nicely.  Let's see where we're gonna go now.

More Raveonettes and lyrics as well.  I do not like that at all.

The Slug of "RUSTIC LAKESIDE CABIN" doesn't read well, and the following Slug with the "/" is incorrect - should be a "-".

Next Slug wrong as well - lose the "/".

"There's" - "There are"

Uhhh, OK< there's the clothing you meticulously mentioned early on.  Make sense now.

No reason not to name this "owner" - sounds really dumb the way you have it.

If you're going to BOLD your Slugs, you need to bold all of them, including Mini's.

"moments" - "moment's"

Well done...very well done!  Touching, moving, poignant, real, heartfelt...and most importantly, memorable.

Needs some work in cleaning it up here and there, but when something hits this hard, is so well put together, these little technical things don't really matter all that much.

You nailed it here and I applaud you for that.  Score - 4.5. Great job!
Posted by: Heretic, April 26th, 2017, 7:28am; Reply: 17
This is pretty solid all around, except for the small issue of the early dialogue that others have mentioned.

I get the father-son parallel that happens with the cabin owner. At the same time, my immediate reaction is that I wanted it to be a cop showing up -- something that would really force the kid to choose who to shoot, rather than making it seemingly a largely unthinking action. Another thought would be a big, strong cabin owner, maybe with a knife -- someone who poses a threat to the dad, is what I'm getting at. I like the beat more if the kid's put in a place where he has to make a bit more of a decision.

Since we get the reveal of the .45, might be nice to have one more line about Mom at the end.

Very solid and enjoyable work. Tension and mystery and a bang-on ending.
Posted by: JEStaats, April 27th, 2017, 4:55pm; Reply: 18
Hey writer, nice work here. This was my last script to read (YAY) and it's great to go out with a bang. I agree with much of what has already been mentioned and all the lingering questions but, hey, it's the apocalypse and people will do weird shit if they're in the know. Great job - good luck!
Posted by: ChrisBodily, April 28th, 2017, 4:24am; Reply: 19
Tired as fuck, mind cloudy, so I need to re-read this when I'm more awake/alert.

I only spotted one or two typos.

Never heard of The Raveonettes; thought there were an oldies band, but then why would the kid listen to them, instead of the dad? Had to google this band.

I would have trimmed half the dialogue.

Too tired to remember the ending.

Title and logline are intriguing.

No grade yet, pending awake read.
Posted by: Cameron (Guest), April 28th, 2017, 4:38am; Reply: 20
Lols, you're a trooper Chris, soldier on
Posted by: ChrisBodily, April 28th, 2017, 4:20pm; Reply: 21
Fully awake now. My comments above still stand.

Overall, I'm impressed. I liked the ending. Not exactly sure why he's letting his ten-year-old kid drink. Are they in Canada?

Good job.
Posted by: stevemiles, April 29th, 2017, 7:36am; Reply: 22
Nicely written - a pace that crackles along with the question of what dad is really up to driving it.  Biggest issue is the how John knew the world was going to end?  Could be a lot to ask for in the short space but it feels a little thin without some degree of understanding as to his background.  There’s a suggestion he’s paranoid and on the run but it doesn’t go far enough.

Not a big fan of the song lyrics in the dialogue.  If you don’t know the song (like me) it’s all a bit wasted.  After listening to it I got a sense of what you’re aiming for but I’m not sure it’s something that translates well to a script.  Maybe you’re a fan of the song, but a ten year old boy?  Otherwise a solid idea but in need of that father angle to make the most of the concept.
Posted by: khamanna, April 29th, 2017, 9:39am; Reply: 23
Very nice, kept me engaged at all times. Couldnt wait to see who was right.
Wondering who is John and why he hurt these people - its like the world ganged up against John.

Another one has a feature feel. Nero was the first one. Both are in the same manner - not much explanation to the story, but the story is an engaging one all the same.
Posted by: SAC, April 29th, 2017, 9:44pm; Reply: 24
Writer,

I like this. It's a tad overwritten, but not unbearably so. I think you should give some mention as to how John knows the world is coming to an end. Maybe he worked for the government - you kept making mention of the govt. Wouldn't hurt for a little exposition there. A cabin with a basement? A triangular shaped air hockey puck? Wtf? I question whether you really need those details, as well as the need for the song whose lyrics we have to keep reading. Sounds like the lyrics might mean more to you than it does to the story. Anyway, pretty good effort. Nice job.

Steve
Posted by: irish eyes, May 1st, 2017, 6:11pm; Reply: 25
Well written

Really good set up though I thought the dad would give some indication as to how he knows and rest of the planet doesn't.

Nice bittersweet ending with the Dad and son watching the world crashing around him.

Overall great entry
Posted by: Pale Yellow, May 2nd, 2017, 12:53pm; Reply: 26
Like your logline.

He stairs ...should be stares I think.

DANNY
Is Mr Farber going to be okay? He
wasn’t moving after you hit him.
--NICE mystery card on PAGE 1. Great job writer.

Not sure what software you used, but your heading spaces are off.

something worrying itches at him --reads awkward IMO

seeing John. John freezes  -- John John too close together IMO

This got really good the longer I read it. I was let down at the end. You have some good mystery. And you have some good options for twists out of this. There was no conflict over Danny swallowing the pill and if trust if your theme here you need to play on that a bit more IMO. I would've loved to see a twist at the end of some sort. Overall I really like this piece.

Good job.
Posted by: PrussianMosby, May 3rd, 2017, 3:25am; Reply: 27
"…to see John set a .45 Glock Pistol on the kitchen counter"

Is the caliber classifiable by seeing it? Just A minor point: I personally no way would realize a clear context here to what was said about .45/9mm by seeing the weapon.

Otherwise, the whole first act is precisely delivered and entertains me.

5p the monologue is quite long. That might be too static there.

P6-p7 this part and plotting felt constructed

"The music rises in our ears as well."

When I read a story, there is no WE or US or OURS anymore. Here, it took me out in a second and destroyed the illusion to be within.

Okay. Of course you created a pretty cool closing image. There was some stylish action in the third act too. All in all, quite a few things felt unreasoned and constructed. They ended "stylish" and "gripping", but the development, how it came to those moments, the backstory f.i., somehow wasn't very organic for me.

However, the general ride was definitely pretty enjoyable. Good work.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, May 6th, 2017, 7:37am; Reply: 28
A Toast, To Armageddon - Apocalypse, Drama, Thriller - When an estranged father kidnaps his ten year old son in preparation for the end of the world, the boy must decide exactly how much he trusts the man he calls 'Dad'. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: This is a little generic-sounding but has some potential if the father-son relationship is executed well.


TITLE: A Toast To Armageddon

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 4

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 2

Ending - 5

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 4

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 3

Dialogue reveals character -  4

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 5

Total: 3.9
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