Room For One More - OWC

Not sure what to make of this one. The story wandered quite a bit. If I understand it, the doc unleashed some kind of immortality chemical and now even the dead are rising? Not sure. The hunger crisis developed awful fast and didn't seem to connect very well with the immortality theme. Overpopulation would take quite a bit of time. There's no real discussion of how much time has elapsed here. There's too many "disembodied" and computer voices to keep track of here. Also I didn't get the scenes with people milling about the street and leaning out windows.

The script is written and formatted by someone who knows what they're doing, but I found the story too meandering to grab me.

Hey writer,

Interesting little story. Firstly, well done on reigning it in on the page count. That's not me saying I didn't want any more, it just works better over a short page count,and doesn't drag on. Also, really good concept on the complete lack of any suitable get out plan, essentially man's quest for life ends up destroying himself. The irony!

Anyway, apart from that, the negatives are that it just isn't that entertaining. Nothing much really happens, apart from one hell of a dilemma! You could have extended into the spare pages with a couple of extra turns or twists, but again I'd only extend if you were going to take it elsewhere.

I quite like it, not going to take the overall prize, but it was pretty inventive.

Cam

First off... no clue what a Hobson's choice is. that may be common knowledge, but I may be a moron.

that meeting with Gino and Antonio seemed to be really shocking, but then end rather quickly, no?

Confused - if people are granted their youth, and overpopulation is a problem, how can they also die?  I must have missed a line.

"Sharesy's fairsy's" is one of the last line i had to go out on?  oof.

a potentially cool idea here of overpopulation leading to the end of days, but it's confusing and didn't explain it well enough for me.  having a doctor in charge of the AI just saying "fuck" and stuff isn't the best way to go about explaining the perdicament, especially in a short.

I think there is promise here with time and thought. The timeline confused me a bit between the initial tour with the suits and then going right to Gino and Antonio. I presume they invested? But did they invest for all humanity? Perhaps if there was a super for 'Day 10' or 'Day 100', it might give the reader more context. Not a big fan of the disembodied when there are AI entities in the same lab.

I did like the concept. Good work. Perhaps revist after the challenge and tidy up?

Title ... umm ok... logline ... just ok for me.

No on should be no one I think.

Had me interested in 'how much would you pay for eternal youth' but the story slowed down after that for several pages ...maybe all the dialogue... not sure.

Think maybe you choose the computer voice or the AI.. both take away I think.

I am a bit confused. The end left me wondering. Interested in the writer's comments.

Good job.

I found this slow.  It touched on some good problems, but, didn't dive into them.

You have a Dr. who

SPOILERS
gives everyone immortality.  Okay, but, where's the apocalypse?  And if food is that short, why is he working on immortality instead of the food crisis, which is 3 years from fixing?

Why do dead people need to eat?

I think the time and page limit hurt you.  There is an interesting story in this idea.  I don't get the title and what did the old people add to the story?  I think if they meet once and he finds out his buddy is dead, that holds more value/shock, at least IMO.

Dan

Hi writer,

I liked it but, I’m not entirely sure what happened here, ping-ponging (if that’s a word) between two old friends and a lab. I got the sense that a scientist was on the verge of an amazing scientific breakthrough re: eternal youth of the sorts.
However, after everyone was given access to this brilliant concept, a new enigma surfaced with everyone dying because there’s a food shortage?

Sorry, scanned it a few times and still get the same answer, which appears to be incomplete on my end. At only 7pages of a 12 page max. I feel you may have been rushed or, simply didn’t have a concise idea of where you wanted this to go. Sounds like a good idea from a bigger script. All the best.

Not just a bit all over the place, a lot all over the place but feels like this is the interesting beginning to something. I'm just not sure what.

So some A.I.'s give us all immortality and we all starve to death? How if we are all immortal and what has happened to all the food anyway? Why are people leaning out of window's and pointing?

Some very intriguing concepts being played around with here but needs a lot of work in my opinion.

Oh and the logline, I know what Hobson's Choice is as we covered it in high school but not everyone will know. If in doubt, keep it simple.

-Mark

Logline - a bit over done, also vague, but it gives a snap shot of what we face...

The problem of everyone living is a sound basis for a weird future, and subsequent chaos.

Not really sure what the other part of the story was about though. I feel they need to be linked better or one is dropped.

Felt a little rushed

2nd time I've read it in a script here but I don't know if cartoony labs spinning beakers of different colors around is enough to produce an eternal life elixir. has anybody ever seen a real lab? I might be wrong, but is this all they do? Spin bottles under fire? Is this how we're trying to cure cancer right now?

Every action line begins with a character name. Gino this. Gino that. Gino sits. Gino stands. Change it up. A simple "Seated at a table, Gino ponders over the simple menu in front of him" is enough to make the read easier. As is this seems like it's from an inexperienced writer or a 1st draft.

What is going on at the cafe on page 4? People are sitting on the street sleeping but others are above taking pictures..... of something going on? Can't be that exciting if people are literally asleep on the street below. Why even have this scene?

Why a food shortage if everybody is alive? Wait, why is everybody alive? Huh?????

No we jump to a sad empty grocery store???? Very confused.

WHAT? Then it just... ENDS? Over a bag of chips?

I have no idea what is going on here but I will piece it together as best I can.

Some scientists in a lab invented an immortality elixir with their robotic arms spinning a bunch of beakers. Being irresponsible or idiot scientists they released their new elixir into the air and now everybody lives forever even though they proudly had investors looking to buy in earlier. A unknown side affect of living forever is starvation cause ........ people are too lazy to grow food now? But since nobody but the scientist knows about the accidental immortality elixir it doesn't make sense as to why food is all the sudden hard to find or why the super smart AI can't seem to figure out how to grow corn. Meanwhile, an old man meets an old friend in a cafe.

Did I miss anything?

Sorry. But congrats on submitting a script.

Hobson's Choice - WTF?  OK, had to google it - never a good thing, unless one is looking up a location.

"Machine's" - Really?  C'mon, man...what is this apostrophe doing here?  And again in the same line.  I should seriously bale already, as this is unacceptable.

Nice aside there about how many times the good Dr. has done the tour - NOT!!!!

Business Woman #1 never properly intro'd yet she's rubbing the wrinkles on her neck.  Hilarious.

WTF is going on?  This is really bad...

"asleep on the floor" - Huh?  What floor?  They're on a sidewalk/street, for God's sake.

"where fish once sat" - Oh man, you're killing me here.  Killing me!!!

OK, finished it.  Absolutely clueless, as to what happened, why, and who the Hell Gino and Antonio are and what they ahve to do with the good doctor.

Sorry, but not good.

Score - 1

Writer,

Just didn't get this one at all, sorry to say. Written pretty well, decent pace and all. Too many automated voices seemed to be be speaking, adding to the confusion of what was happening in this story. I might've cut it down to one - just kinda clears things maybe. Good effort, but I totally missed what you were going for.

Steve

Eh, I really don't know how I feel about this. I wanted to like it, but it was awkward. I wish I had something more to offer. It's just one big ball of awkward, I guess.

Dave F

Problem with doing scripts on A.I. is that you have to have a lot of time to explain the nature of intelligence you're working with, and so it's hard not to overcomplicate the situation. I thought i was on to what was going on here, but I got thrown off the scent by the end.

The writing is not bad at all, and it certainly looks good -- I like all the white space. It's concise, which you think would work well for you, but I think the story does need a little buffing up.

Best of luck,
Gary

I like the basic premise. I like the intercutting. I'd vote for cutting the first scene and/or starting with Gino and Antonio.

I don't totally understand how the food shortage happened so immediately, which is a major issue for the script. And I suppose it's just a mini-tragedy, but the sense of closure is not totally there, for me. It doesn't feel like anything new is revealed in the final scenes, I guess -- it more or less seems hopeless from the midpoint.

I'm at page 5 and I found no connection yet, or haven't understood one, between the lab and what's going on in Deli.

Read to the end and feel a big, what's going on here? I wanna know since there seems to be an interesting, philosophical worldview behind.

For now, I just can guess: The old Deli people are still dying because they're in Deli and also starving more and more, because the rich side of the planet needs more goods for their now immortal population. Then, Antonio, in Deli, chooses to do the same intervention to his body to stay alive forever - but now because of the costs, he has no money left for food, so that his old bro Gino must share his chips with him…

I reread it several times to come up with that theory. Your execution "should", imo, be a lot more attentive to how the reader reflect. I miss orientation, identification, also understandable transitions that guide forward from A to B.

This is very demanding at the moment. I hope you clear up later.

Its a good idea but I think you center it too much around the idea.

You didn't capitalize on one character. In the end I dont understand whose that story is and that's the problem for me.

I tnink the idea here would shine if you selected one main character and followed him in every scene. And I noticed best scripts are always about one character and his story.

‘The back of his funeral suit open to the elements.’  - huh?  Why would the back of a suit be open?

Well, I couldn’t tell where it was going so you had me there.

Not sure how the title related.

Scientist, Lampeter, engineers a way of making everyone eternally youthful - immortality?  And presumably it’ll be marketed and expensive.   Meanwhile, elsewhere, people are dying in the street - because they have been exposed to eternal youth via Lampeter’s A.I. sidekicks?  But now there’s not enough food to feed them, which leads to mass starvation and apocalypse.  Amid all this, two old men have a chat and eat some chips.

The Lampeter scenes provide a sense of who did it and how but I couldn’t connect them to the Gino and Antonio scenes at all.  There’s no sense of time or how the two ideas relate here to orientate the reader.  Is Lampeter really wrestling with choice here?  Do nothing everyone dies.  Do something and everyone dies.  It’s all so fragmented the sum of the parts don’t make a satisfying whole.  I tried, but sorry to say it went over my head.

I had to look up “Hobson’s choice”. Maybe I should have looked it up before reading the script.
This is disjointed for me. Hard to follow. . .
We know they’re going to give everyone eternal youth. But somehow that’s going to bring back the dead? Does that explain Antonio?
What’s the process?
If we reverse the process, everyone dies. Well, if you reverse the process isn’t everyone just mortal again? Or does reversing the process mean everyone dies immediately. Did I miss something?
Now that I'm done, the title really doesn't work for me. Room for one more where?
Clean formatting but there's some clarification needed.

To anyone who doesn't know: Hobson's Choice refers to "take it all or take noting."

Quoted Text

DR[.] LAMPETER

Quoted Text

~~DR[.]~~ LAMPETER
And this is the 'hub'.

You can drop the Dr. and just call him Lampeter from now on.

Quoted Text

he's expecting the question ~~because he's done this tour for a thousand other faceless suits~~.

Unfilmable.

You need to introduce the Business Man and Woman and CAP them. They are going to be played by actors, so don't give the producer a headache.

Quoted Text

suited and booted

I like this rhyme. Too bad it won't translate on screen.

Watch out for orphans.

You need to tell us whether Gino is male or female.

Abbreviations need periods. And even then, in dialogue, write them out. Mister, Missus, Miss, Doctor, Sergeant, Professor, Admiral, Colonel, Corporal, Junior, Senior, The Third, et cetera. This is for timing reasons. It might be a bit quirky for some people, but "them's (sic) the breaks," as the kids say.

"open to the elements." Huh?

Quoted Text

No on[e] is dying[,] either.

Very embarrassing typo. If the script were any longer, I'd probably consider bailing.

Where are these disembodied voices coming from?

Jeff bitched about the concrete floor, but whatever. "Ground" would have worked, too.

Quoted Text

For [G]od[']s sake, why not?

Quoted Text

~~Dr[.]~~ Lampeter looks like he's not slept for a week, because he
hasn't.

How do we know he hasn't? Unfilmable. You can tell us he looks it, because we can see it. Don't write anything we can't see or hear.

Is the (hopeful) necessary?

---

Pretty good story, actually. Writing not too bad, needs cleanup. Nice logline and title, though I don't know what the latter had to do with the story.

Felt like vignettes until I saw where the story was going. And you gave us a food shortage as your apocalypse. All well and good. Great job.

Room For One More - Apocalypse, Drama - When well-meaning AI creates eternal life for everyone at the same time, two old friends unexpectedly reconnect, as the scientist responsible wrestles with his Hobson's choice.

Rating: 1
Thoughts: Way too unfocused. You either have to cover the scientist or the two friends. You can't cover both in a short film. Plus the thought of old friends reconnecting after this happens doesn't sound dramatically compelling. Where's the conflict?

TITLE: Room For One More

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 5

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 3

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 4

Story - 4

Ending - 3

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 4

Dialogue reveals character - 3

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 4

Overall readability - 4

Toal: 3.7

This one is mine.

I almost didn't enter as I had a bereavement on the Tuesday... but on the Friday I had an urge to write something that had a connection to my emotions and bereavement.

In the end this just became a bit of a mess, the Scientist bit was my original idea and was meant to be that the AI had fixed the problem of people getting ill and dying, BUT their solution was to stop everyone from getting ill, and cure the recently dead too, and they did this as AI are fair, not like the scientist who would have monetised the discovery.

So the food shortage wasn't just people carrying on living, it was the dead coming back too...

Was going for a riff on Hitchhiker Guide and the answer to life the universe and everything being 42, and a slice of 'be careful what you wish for' messaging.

But this was poorly developed/executed on my part as I was ultimately more interested in the two men and how people would react to loved ones coming back, what would happen, and what people would really give to have loved ones returned.

I then tried to do a World War Z thing and intertwine the stories.

So thanks to all that commented, appreciated as always.

Specifics...
1) Hobson's Choice - an apparent choice, but not a real one, here, kill everyone, or kill everyone.
2) Timing, agree, a SUPER or similar would have helped.
3) The food crisis is created by the sudden over population, and the AI don;t have time to fix it.
4) They're not meant to be immortal, but they can't die of illnesses and disease etc, starvation would do it though.
5) People on the street asleep, the dead don;t have houses, so they sleep where they can, people above taking pictures... people take pictures of everything, the recently dead asleep on the street would be a good subject ;-)
6) Back of his funeral suit open... they used to have the back of funeral suits cut down the back so the dead was easier to dress as no one was gonna see the back.
7) The title, Room for one more... a saying that is normally stated as a question, often applied to people on buses etc... I think fairly local though.

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

Similar to Khamanna, really well done on piecing something together given what else was going on in your life. Some of us struggle to make the deadline anyway so Christ knows how you managed it.

It definitely brought something to the party, and the concept was really good, it just needs the tidy up that you know it does. With a bit of TLC it should be able to find a life outside the challenge, get it fixed up and out there in the real world.

Also, even though the "Hobson's Choice" reference threw a few folk, I got it so thanks for making me feel slightly smarter for a bit.

Cheers

Cam

Hey Anthony,
     I think the biggest issue with this story was the 12-page limit.  You had such complex things and you simply couldn't do justice to all of them.

I know I run into that problem all the time too.  The more I do these OWC with the strict page limit the more I realize your central idea either helps or hampers your ability to meet the challenge with the page limit.

I am sure you can fix this up and make it work.  I also owe you an email and that is coming up.

Dan

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