Glitch by Morpheus - Short, Apocalypse, Drama - The first child raised by AI, encounters a fellow human for the first time. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It's a very good script.
A nice idea behind it.

There are some pieces of dialog that was obscure to me. And I haven't seen "them" experimenting with Seven.
They say he's putting the rest at risk - I couldn't understand why. They are not telling Seven why they are at risk when She's out.
Overall, there were some questions and some the dialog in some parts could flow better but I liked the script very much.
The ending works for me - she's determined not to be summoned by robots, very nice.

Interesting title page.

Very odd opening with a 4 line passage followed by FADE IN?  Makes no sense and isn't a good way to start.

Writing is poor, very unclear, incorrect in the Drone POV.

A 6 line passage?  Oh man...it's too bad, as there seems to be a great mind behind this, but the execution is very shoddy and hard to visualize.

The asides are also very poor and out of place.

Concept-wise, this is nice.  Some may actually like the execution, but for me, it's a tough read and poorly written, which is too bad, as it does show some skill.

I'll give this a 3, but I'm also leaning on a 2.5.

I hate Title pages with images... mostly b/c i don't know how to do them and want to despite it being frowned upon.

This reads so much longer than it is, but it's a strong little short.  a lot of it felt familiar for some reason, but it was pretty good.

I don't have much else more to say.  that's a good thing.

is "Glitch" the best title?  ehh, that I don't know about, but it works.

Despite this seeming very similar to a movie I've already seen, it felt new the first time through. That novelty didn't last long, but the little twist at the end earned a respectable head nod. I think all the cool imagery and whatnot you were going for in the beginning with the drone and the opening sequence came across as too messy. Either clean it up, or get rid of it.

The descriptions in general were a little hard to read for some reason I can't really place my finger on, but once the story got going I was interested. The ending is probably the best written part you have here, it sits well, and makes up for the choppy waters at the beginning of the script.

Dave F

Hi writer,

Cute tale. Reminded me of Tim Burton’s ‘9’… good movie. I was a little, actually a lot, confused by ‘Sky’ and her demise, what happened to her that is. It appeared like she was exposed to some strange (non) atmosphere? I was thinking an atmosphere with no oxygen like in 'Total Recall' but, rust is oxygenated metal, and internal combustion engines need oxygen to ignite, and then they sit by a burning fire, and… you get the picture. Alas, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Was Seven deceived by these forms of A.I. within the Pod Station? Who are the forms of A.I.? Why deceive Seven? What is their true purpose? So many questions, sorry to say. I like your vision of a futuristic wasteland, it actually seems less apocalyptic than those depressing apocalyptic movies that line the shelves, fun actually.

Anyway, it’s a clever script that has potential if you alleviate the confusing aspects of it. Good job, all the best.

I thought it was okay, but, it didn't answer any questions.  At all.  Actually, it didn't do much except for raising more questions.

It was confusing at times.  And we never see the AI working on Seven....

Dan

Hey writer,

I'm not a massive sci-fi fan so it was a wee bit of a struggle for myself from a plot perspective. It kinda roamed all over the place, and never felt like it was restrained or in control. Maybe that's the point but it just didn't click with for me.

Still, it was well written, and I couldn't really find any faults with formatting or typos, so it ticks that box.

Anyway, very well written but the contents not to my taste, somewhere in the middle.

Cam

Aside from the Matric'y graphics and huge non-courier font on the title page, the script started out okay even though that title page antic usually hoists a red flag for me most of the time. I was wondering why one character was named Seven and until she walks by Moya, I didn't know Seven was a she. Her name is Seven, because there are other characters with number names as she soon will discover, although nobody else other than her and Three have such names. Go figure.

I never got into this, even though I wanted to. The biggest problem for me was the dialogue. A lot of time characters who are so monotone would finish each others thoughts and sentences, by The Wizard Of Oz it was now ticking me off. If that was enough
for example

CHARACTERS
Would speak like

ANOTHER CHARACTER
This

>:(

13 going on 21 Either Seven is a new-teen or she isn't.
"Ageless" doesn't cut it either. What does ageless mean, and at what age do they look like?

A locking mechanism can be heard.
Either we hear it or we don't.

Dressed in a black rubber suit Oh so that's why Seven is 13 and looks 21.  :X

I have to ask...Who is your audience?

Good to see a proper apocalyptic setting.

Why does the drone crash though? It's fluttering flight path seems like too much direction for me. If it doesn't add to the story, cut it out.

"Except he was a he?"There are some odd uses of words here than make me wonder if English isn't the author's main language. Totally fine and I appreciate writing in a 2nd language, hell I can't even write well in it and it's my first!

Also, if this future has advanced AI, why can't these drones fly themselves? Why must Seven do it?

Seven is a girl? Might want to clarify that right away as I just assumed he was a boy from the start.

"She is in shock. Is she dreaming? He looses his arms from around her." A few unfilmables in here. We cant't really read her thought on screen so you need to do a better job of conveying her confusion through action.

Why is Seven not dying? Why did she say she was melting? Strange dialogue. This is getting too strange. I don't like films that break their own rules.

Lots of heavy stuff in here which I can appreciate. However the story isn't very clear. You need to do a better job of making the story flow as I had to stop, go back and reread some pages to keep up with who was who and why they were doing things. Interesting story. It would do better if you had a stronger conflict because the end is very unsatisfying when there should be a major payoff.

There is a lot here and it's a cool premise. Keep at it!

I'm more on the side of those readers who are left with questions. Especially, nothing felt truly definite, and most came across as a snapshot of a highly complicated world. There were lots of descriptions that didn't work with me. As a foregone commenter said f.i.: 13 going on 21 -- such things completely confuse and not in a good way. IMO, you haven't shown enough here that you truly imagine how things look like from my reader's perspective. You need to guide us better, and see your script through the eyes of a first time reader. There is indeed some cool imagery but the story to me was more like fighting through a labyrinth.

A confusing concept which raises more questions than it answers.

You have some moss growing on your title page.

SPOILERS

When you introduced Seven, I kinda guessed where this was going. I was guessing clone more than robot but that's what I was thinking. If you want to fool the audience, give the 'human' a human name.

Sky dies rather quickly and abruptly. It's like she had a red security uniform on from Star Trek and was just gagging to be killed off quickly.

The dialogue is weird in parts and I can't work out if it is deliberate or typos.  E.G.

"You’ve been charging that device for six years. Do you really think"

The sentence ends there. Was that intentional? There's quite a few in the script, and that's before the robot's finish each other's sentences, which I do get.

Some of the action is over written, it is a chore to get through in parts. The section with the key cards, Seven's room etc. is particularly jarring and all over the place.

What was the aim of the experiment? I have a feeling even the writer doesn't know as the only explanation on offer is, "Just a puzzle piece in their galactic game I guess. Who knows."

I'm a big fan of sci fi and this feels like it has a great deal of potential. It just needs development.

-Mark

Not a big sci-fi fi fan and tried to understand it... didn't really work for me but the writing itself was very good.

A lot sci -fi seem to have names as numbers???  is that an ongoing thing or am I just so tired.

Either way great writing so so on the story.

I  am sure others like it.

Writer,

Not a bad story but it ended with a whimper. Is Seven going back to the AI? I wasn't sure. That's my problem here, I guess. I also wasn't sure as to Why the AI sent the gamma rays, and I wasn't sure if Three was telling the truth either. Actually, I kinda like stories like that, and if that's what you were aiming for, then good job. I would have liked to see the inner turmoil that Seven might have been going through. As is, it just seems very unclear to me what's going on. But good effort!

Steve

Well, it feels like the first few chapters of a YA novel. I'm not sure it's particularly satisfying as a stand-alone story, but it's a neat piece of world-building that hits all the right notes, at least broadly speaking.

Writing definitely jars, at times. Especially missing "--" for the interruptions when the kids are talking.

It's a cool idea and a great logline (though the double use of "first" is not ideal), but I think it's the head of a feature, not a short.

Nice mixture of sci-fi and mystery.  Logline could have played up the mystery angle though - didn’t grab me as is.  No real issues with this - good work for a week.  Solid twist - her friends are her enemies, her whole world is a lie.

I’m surprised Seven heads back after this revelation though.  It didn’t quite fit with what we’d seen of her before - headstrong, impetuous...  Not a deal breaker - a quick, clean read that held me all the way and left me wanting more.

The naming convention of the humans gave it away pretty quick that there would be more. Maybe if her name was Delta and the boy introduced himself as Charlie? That would be a clue until the reveal of meeting Alpha, Beta.... Ah-ha!

The ending left me hanging but flat. Even though it was overwritten in places, I think I wanted just a bit more. Overall: I liked it. Good work.

Can't make my mind up about the title page... but love the title as I have a Glitch too (hopefully going into production next month)... anyways...

Well set up and interesting premise, the world is established well but I think I've seen similar before, or rather elements elsehwere.

It seems unfinished as it stands or the start of a bigger piece, be interested to see where it goes.

Logline - not bad, better than most and to a degree intriguing, but could do with a touch more such as when. Let's see...

Had a nice blend of oblivion, terminator, matrix etc

I liked the premise more than the story and delivery.

Wouldn't it be ironic if the last remaining humans were helping them escape etc

There seems to be unfinished sentences or missing punctuation in places.
Is Sky human or A.I.? If Sky is A.I., she/it seems to die like a human.
The A.I. are experimenting with Seven but Seven is able to turn them on and off?
So, the two main problems that pull me out of the story are actually the unfinished sentences or missing punctuation and not being able to determine who is human and who is A.I.

Pixel images on the title page? Normally, that's a huge mistake. That being said, it does look cool and gives off Matrix vibes.

How do we see this finger? You haven't faded in yet? Another mistake right out of the gate.

Opening shot reads like a smartphone commercial. Not sure if that's a good thing.

Charging station? What's that? Electric cars? Confused already.

Quoted Text Do you really think--

Always USE DOUBLE DASHES when cutting off dialogue mid-sentence.

Quoted Text SEVEN (12 going on 21)

Too many numbers. Confusing. And how can you be 12 going on 21? Not a promising read so far.

They're in prison? I'm lost.

Quoted Text She passes by MOYA (20ish), beautiful, perfectly shaped and wearing a tool belt full of electronic gadgets.

In charging station/prison/wherever the hell they are???

Why the different typeface on the word "boy"?

Is this like a gas station? You've totally lost me.

"Seven tries to convince" who of what?

Quoted Text SEVEN A boy. A human. Like me. Except [it] was a he.

Not sure what the clock reading means. Is it the battery or is it the actual time?

Nice Mad Max name drop. But why italics?

Quoted Text SEVEN But I’m dying to get out of here, so [T]o me, it’s worth the risk.

A little less OTN.

This script is difficult to visualize. I don't even know where we are.

End of page 4. I'm gonna have to bail. The story's going nowhere. Did I miss the apocalypse?Title and logline are intriguing, but the execution doesn't do the idea justice.

Glitch - Apocalypse, Drama - The first child raised by AI, encounters a fellow human for the first time. 

Rating: 2
Thoughts: This has potential.  I would've liked to know a little more than what was given.  But you can see some conflict in the setup, which is good.


TITLE: Glitch

STORY

Concept is fresh/and or original - 4

Theme is well executed/interweaved - 2

Stakes are clear/conflict is strong and or compelling - 3

Story - 2

Ending - 1

CHARACTER/DIALOGUE

Protagonist(s) is (are) likable and/or compelling - 3

Dialogue reads naturally/believable within this story - 2

Dialogue reveals character -  2

READABILITY

Action text "shows" instead of "tells" - 2

Overall readability - 2

Total: 2.3

Nice work, Dena, really sweet story. One of my favorites.

Thanks K... it was last minute and again done from my feature idea list so it was confusing and not well thought out or structured for a short. :)