Sunday Will Never Be The Same by Thomas Louis Castiglione - Dramedy - Three girlfriends assist in helping one of the girls overcome her loss of her Marine fiancé in Vietnam.  127 pages

contest: Winner of best screenplay and best writer at the Christian Film festival in Newport News, Virginia. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Thomas,

just looked into Sunday will never be the same

Solid drama title, although I think that too "negative" sounding titles are outdated at the moment – just my opinion of course

Logline: While drama is there, you could add some more story characteristics.

Slow opening I must say.

"Maybe to a hippie, but he's proudly serving his country."

This is a bit simple.

"Don't you have hopes and
dreams for your future?"

same

SUGGESTED MUSIC STARTS … – don't give us a soundtrack. Your job is to convince a reader through story. And when that little tiny task works out for you, then you might get a chance to suggest some music during the preproduction process; although then it's still not your department anyway.

Get rid of continued at page breaks.

P4 inconsistent slugline – stay with your original choice

is sitting – sits
stay in active language

You don't need to mention San Francisco in each slugline. It's clear.

I don't like your general style of introducing characters; all those brackets and off-screen information within which we wouldn't have from what is actually on screen. Reconsider how to keep your text flowing.

Okay… I only read the first ten when I don't know if the writer is around.

This isn't bad. I think you know what you do with the characters and the dramatic situation is pretty clear by page ten which is an important accomlishment to me.

The writing I must say, although I'm an ESL speaker, could be delivered with some more love. There's too much: She comes, goes, walks…

You could give some stronger verbs in there to make it a varied reading experience. I'm also not so sure about some of the dialogues; for the reasons I addressed above. Some lines, better said their concepts behind, are too simple constructed. Maybe this is an early draft; I personally felt as it would; so there could go some work into that area.

Point is: I feel the drama and conflict, which, of course is the most important thing and a great achievement. The prose then, your overall execution, Imo, in such a concept, should mirror that in same manner. You want to move our hearts, play out big conflicts – then better write warm as well – know what I mean. It's not an action flick: A goes to B.

When it comes to the story so far, your material does work imo. Definitely. I just miss some style in your execution to make it a completely coherent piece in its entire expression.

Best of luck