SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / Awaken - Filmed!
Posted by: Don, May 13th, 2017, 2:32pm
Awaken by Roy E. - Short, Drama - A boy struggles with being raised by a drug addict. 12 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: LuisAnthony, May 14th, 2017, 12:43pm; Reply: 1
I liked this one quite a bit.
The writing is very good.
You did a great job building the intensity of the short, it was a strong crescendo until the final blow.
The characters were also good, you did a fair job establishing their personalities with their actions.
The ending is bitter, not sure how to feel about it personally, but it works for the story you´re trying to convey.
Good job! Best of Luck! Luis
Posted by: Roy, May 14th, 2017, 5:53pm; Reply: 2
I appreciate the comments, Luis. I was kind of expecting a bludgeoning, so this response was refreshing. I'm still learning all the formatting/phrasing rules. I found a few formatting errors after the submission, of course!
Let me know if there is something I can give you a return read on. Again, your time was much appreciated!
Posted by: eldave1, May 14th, 2017, 7:58pm; Reply: 3
Parts of this were superb. It is a very poignant story.
SPOILERS
Quoted Text
MARIE I brought you into this world... She lifts the belt high. He covers up. JACOB Please..dont-- WHACK. MARIE(CONT’D) and I can take you out!
A hiccup for me - This dialogue has been so many times in films. Everything was great to this point. Think of something on your own - original.
Quoted Text
COP No, She didn’t hurt anyone. She was swerving a bit so I pulled her over. But don’t worry, we had her checked out. Doc says she’ll be fine in the morning. Just had a bad reaction to her medication. JACOB It’s not a bad reaction, she takes too many! COP (condescending) I understand how it seems like that, but I spoke to the Doctor myself.
Didn't by this at all - 1. That the cop would not arrest her for driving under the influence and (2) that he would call the Doctor and the Doctor would disclose private patient information. It defies logic.
Quoted Text
MARIE MILLER(V.0.) & JACOB MILLER What else can I do?
This should really be formatted as dual dialogue
Regardless - you have some real writing chops - it was a nice read.
Posted by: Roy, May 14th, 2017, 8:31pm; Reply: 4
Thanks for your input. I will try to make this a little more believable (and remove the cliche!). I'll need to look up dual dialogue, I thought I had it correctly formatted.
Thank you very much! I'll be looking out for your posts to return the read.
Posted by: eldave1, May 15th, 2017, 10:54am; Reply: 5
It's just dialogue side by side - something like indicated here:
Posted by: Miranda, May 16th, 2017, 2:34pm; Reply: 6
I also like it.
Posted by: Roy, May 17th, 2017, 7:30am; Reply: 7
I appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment! Thank you, Villas!
Posted by: Don, June 24th, 2019, 8:50pm; Reply: 8
From "Roy"
"My first script ever that was posted on your website was found and starts filming next week.
"Awaken" is the script. "
Posted by: eldave1, June 24th, 2019, 8:57pm; Reply: 9
Congrats. Great news
Posted by: Roy, June 24th, 2019, 9:10pm; Reply: 10
Thanks, Dave! Your input certainly helped ^^
Posted by: Don, May 8th, 2022, 11:22am; Reply: 11
From Roy E.
"The very first script I wrote was part of one of your challenges and i missed the deadline, but finished it and posted it to be critiqued. It has been filmed (was severely slowed down with covid) and finally finished and submitted to its first film festival (they have started submitting to several more as well).
It will be playing in Orlando this coming weekend at the Christian Film Festival and it was not only selected - but nominated for four categories (Best Short Film, Most Inspirational, Best Actor, and Best Actress). "
Don
Posted by: Zack, May 8th, 2022, 11:50am; Reply: 12
Congrats, Roy! Looking forward to checking it out once it's available. Keep us updated. :)
Posted by: Don, March 31st, 2023, 1:40pm; Reply: 13
Filmed:
Awaken (12 pages (Short, Drama) pdf format ) by Roy E.
A boy struggles with being raised by a drug addict.
There are a lot of films about drugs addiction. 'Awaken' adds a new chapter to them. It is a small film, which shows the daily life of a mother(an addict) in a realistic manner. In addition to the struggle for life, love plays an important role. 'Awaken' manages to touch the very soul, is fascinating and intriguing. I mean, even from the get-go it basically affirms the type of film it'll be and how it'll be presented, which is both beautiful as an individual piece, but also really disturbing in the context of the film. The performances here are compelling, all of the main actors totally and fully committed. The lead actress, Anita Cordell, If I remember correctly, a fantastic performance. Raw and real and totally honest, no artifice or anything.
Overall, I don't think it's flawless, but it's pretty touching and hopefully is able to impact someone out there. It should do very well. Best of Irish Luck.:)
Posted by: Kb679 (Guest), April 13th, 2023, 8:29pm; Reply: 15
This was well written the philosophical conflict is there, and overall I liked it.