Road Trip by Barney Ravenscroft - Short, Comedy - Hank and Jesse embark on a road trip from Los Angeles to Helena, Montana to visit an old friend. As you can probably guess, things don't go as planned. 33 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Sometimes you tell and don't show. (E.g., 'Hank and Jesse pull up out the front of the Golden Nugget casino. Jesse wanted to keep on driving but the bad traffic in Los Angeles is forcing them to bunker here for the night'). There are quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes. 'Doing a drive-by' on page 7 made me laugh. 'I don't give a shit' on page 18 was funny. 'Yeah, but it's white' on page 19 was funny, in a wrong way, lol. Hank trying to high five klansmen, etc., doesn't make him particularly likeable, which is a problem. Jesse isn't much more likeable, because of his association with Hank. 'Get the fuck off my property' was funny, I liked the fast change in mood. I wanted to know what happened to the undercover policeman and the drive-by victim, and the ending was a bit of an anticlimax. On the whole, however, I really enjoyed reading your script, I thought it was a great adventure with lots of variety. I also thought the scenes were the right lengths and you had a wide range of characters, all interesting. Your humour was never over the top and silly. In my view your work was sometimes spoiled by antisocial acts, darkening the fun vibes. To be fair though, I've seen a lot darker comedies.