Mass du Gelatinous by Steven Clark - Short, Comedy - A green evil lurks in Mickey's refrigerator, and it must be destroyed. Before dinner time, anyway. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Quoted from eldave1 script not found

Fixed

;D Green is the theme. Kids hate vegetables.

I can't help myself in pulling you up on a couple of things, though the first I know is deliberate:

'...all cute and stuff stuff?
Almost like evill laughter Almost like?

And,  I think it'd be more droll if Mickey says: 'I'm eight'. I dunno, the 'only' took away from what I presume would be Mickey's deadpan delivery. Jmh.

Nice turn around at the end. Kids and their living nightmares. :D

Lots of fun, Steve. I like it!

Libby,

Thanks for reading! I wrote this real quick, so not much time for crazy edits. But yes, the "stuff" was deliberate and the "only" eight is debatable. Maybe. I kinda wanted to write something me and my son could perform together for the rest of the family and I came up with this. Silly fun. My kid knows I write (he's 7) and he's acted in a couple plays so he's been bugging me! Anyway, thanks again!

Steve

Steve,  I'm always picky about the writing stuff. Actually, I think often writers critique other writers according to how they would write the words, how it sounds to their ear.

Perhaps I shoulda been more obvious about the fact I think this'd make a great little film or skit, or even animation.

Out of interest, have you read this one with your son,  did he have input?

Libby,  

Funny you mention animation because that was going thru my head while writing. I think this would lend itself towards that, although I listed it as a comedy. And like I mentioned, it was written hastily. Had to go to work and I really wanted to bang it out. And no, haven't read it to my boy yet.  I will let you know how that goes. Actually, some dude emailed me a while back about writing something he could film for him and his two young sons to act in! I forgot about that till just right now. Think I'll send this to him!

Okay - gave this a read.

Quite liked it - several places brought a smile to my face. Overall, the writing was crisp and clean with little wasted space.

SPOILERS

Was not sure about the weapons of choice for Dad and Son. Maybe add a wait - he hates healthy food - and they start pelting the monster with something healthy or at least tape it to the end of their stick - just food for thought :)

I like the way it went - just a fantasy with a little lesson - nice job.

I really liked it.

And the way he sees Dad. Dad is pretty funny, and the kid sees him accordingly - Dad wants to make a man out of him at the worst time possible. Dad lets the toilet water drip - I supposed it's how he sees his Mom and Dad.

Dad was so funny that I'd like more of him. And I want the final words from Dad as well. Something to mirror what he did in his son's daydream. I think it could give the script some roundness if you know what I mean.

Some notes.

This one reminds me of Walter Mitty, a daydream of heroic proportions.  And it works well except they don't actually win the battle.  Otherwise, good job.  If you could make mom a bit more domineering, then you get some extra value.

Best
Richard

Dave,  

Thanks for the read and notes! Glad you liked it. Pretty much written off the cuff. Wasn't sure where I was going with this, but halfway thru is where I thought about an "eat your greens" lesson and that's what I went with.

Khamanna,

Thanks! Glad you liked the father. I knew I wanted this to be a comedy and figured the father would be a good character to get that from. I understand what you mean about the roundness, and if I can figure a zippy closing line from dad I'll throw it in there.

Surprised no one mentioned the Gangs of New York line I threw in there!

Steve

Richard,

Thanks! I thought about making mom more domineering, and I easily could have, but I just wanted to keep it light. Glad you liked it.

Steve

Hi Steve,

Gave this a read. Not really my thing, light comedy, if you've read my stuff as I know you have, I'm more into the stabbing, and the killing, and the darkness in people, but it did bring a smile to my face a few times.

The dialogue between father and son was quite witty at times.

A few typos, two that I can remember, sorry didn't write them down. Should be easy to spot on another read through.

Other than that the writing is solid and easy to follow. Pretty sure I saw what you wanted me to see.

Nice work.

Thanks for the read, Warren. I understand it's not your thing but I appreciate you checking it out anyway. I'll get to work on something that involves some stabbing pretty soon!  :D

Haha, I look forward to it :)

Quoted from SAC I'll get to work on something that involves some stabbing pretty soon!:D

That's dedication right there Steve, writing for the critics.

I liked it. It's playful, a bit daft in parts, but any serious criticism of actions in the main body of work (I had a few lined up which seemed a bit odd) are removed at the end when the twisty bit happens. It never felt particularly threatening, inspite of the peril from within the fridge, and I reckon that's the correct mood, and for me it definitely works.

The only thing I can really think of improving upon is the Walter Mitty style return to reality. I'd try to introduce some contrast, just to emphasise end of the fantasy bit. Maybe a SMASH as his mum hammers a glass bottle of milk down on the table, and Mickey is awoken from his day dream. Even a "CUT TO:", just something to clarify the scene for the reader so it hits them straight off, rather than an organic realisation a few lines down the track.

Well done, I liked.

Cam

Cam,

Thanks for the read! You make some pretty solid points. I like the idea of Mom making a noise or something that snaps Mickey out of his daydream. If I ever have a reason to give this one a rewrite I'll definitely take that advice. Thanks again.

Steve