N.E.T.Work Episode 1 by Marcus BOZ Walton - Series - N.E.T.WORK acronym for Nobody Ever Tell and Boss is apart of this team. The scandal behind this is what moves this series. 7 pages - pdf, format

N.E.T.Work by N.E.T.WORK - Series, Drama - I am currently turning this into a web series and would like honest feedback to make this pleasurable for all viewers. 9 pages - pdf, format


[b]New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello, can I just say that I was very confused by the logline?

I'm not sure if English is your main language but i can see grammar mistakes right from the get go.

Code Both NINA and BOSS is doing a lot of moaning and heavy breathing

You need to be quick and efficient. Remember always replace "is ______" to just the verb alone. For example: "Nina is moaning", change to "Nina moans".

Code Boss is moaning as well as he grips the head board.

Same thing here. And also, this line is completely unnecessary as you told us already just a line ago that Boss moans in unison with NINA.

Also, I've read the dialogue and it is very on-the-nose. It's just reads very unnatural and robotic. It is hard to give advice on this kind of thing, so I would just suggest to read more screenplays and watch more film.

Best of Luck,
Luis

Hi Marcus,

So that just happened.

Not for me. All the characters, 2 men, and a woman sound exactly the same, gangsta. You need to try to give your charters individual voices to differentiate between them.

You didn't offend me in any way, but I though the language during the sex scene was vulgar and unnessasary.

This just kind of meandered along and then ended. The whole story, which didn't make a whole lot of sense, was told in some pretty bad, on the nose dialogue.

This is going to need a big reboot if you are planning on turning it into a series. I'm not sure where you plan to take it from here.

Good luck with it.