I'm doing it my way by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Comedy - An elderly billionaire attempts to connect with his younger, beautiful wife in a freakish way. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Fausto,

Sorry to say the humour in this one is lost on me. To be honest the entire plot is lost on me. I have no idea what I just read.

Although this would be really easy to film and very low budget, I don't think watching people tweet each other for 3 to 4 minutes would be all that engaging.

Some of it is written awkwardly, but I understand English isn't your first language. Also some grammatical errors that could be cleaned up.

You have one exclamation mark that makes it onto page 5, that's a bit sloppy.

This missed the mark for me.

All the best.

Fausto,

Thought I’d give this a look.  Humour is subjective, different strokes and all that...  Personally I struggled to find the punchline in this.  Even at four pages it feels unfocused and I can’t see how the logline ties to the story.  How is Ronald (why not just call him Donald?) attempting to connect to his younger wife here?  It seems to start out that way with him trying to entice her into bed, but then it shifts to talking about jobs for miners in Siberia and then meeting up with Vlad and his lover…  Apologies if this sounds harsh, but in the end I’m not sure where the pay-off is as I struggled to make sense of the set-up.

Trump’s love of Twitter’s not a bad source for a gag, but I do wonder how the idea of two people exchanging tweets would play out on screen?

Writing wise I understand English isn’t your fist language so granted it’s a little rough in places.  Check out the difference in ‘lay vs. lie’ and watch the use of plural vs. singular.

A LAPTOP lies on his laps. He types frenetically.

Should be:

A LAPTOP lays on his lap. He types frenetically.

Or even:

A LAPTOP rests on his lap. He types frenetically.

‘Rests’ is your friend when in doubt…

Hope this helps,

Steve.

I apologize for this miserable script. Sorry guys. I wrote this out of frustration for what is happening in the USA...no polishing, no thinking....and this was bad! It was an impulsive decision.
Thanks again for your reviews. To feel better, I suggest re-reading the script of "Casablanca."
All my best,
Fausto