Lord Hear Me by Eric Chandler - Short, Horror - {no logline}  12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Eric,

I think this needs a lot of improvement.

The grammar is really bad. You need to learn the difference between lay and lie, your and you're. A quick google search and you will be sorted.

You need to place a comma when addressing someone directly in dialogue eg: How are you, Bonnie.

It is very overwritten, as in, you explain everything in way too much detail.

Lots and lots of passive writing which is very distracting. Try to cut down on the "ing" words. Instead of, "he is walking", "go for he walks".

Why does the doctor have a syringe with a strong sedative in his pocket, loaded and ready to go?

Billy and Bonnie? I think it would be beneficial to change one of those names.

You can remove the continued at the top and bottom of every page, it only serves as a distraction.

Some really cringeworthy dialogue floating around, this was a cracker:

Quoted Text FATHER VICTA I know what it sounds like. But, in this world of ours there are good guys and there are bad guys. And right now your daughter’s a bad guy. A very bad guy. Now we can sit back and watch the bad guy take her over completely or we can kill it.

Im not sure what to make of this image:

Quoted Text Laying on the bed is two bodies turned inside out that have been fused together.

You would have heard of a movie called The Exorcist? Well, this is basically a bad 12 page version of that. There is nothing new or original. I love horror, especially when it comes to the occult, possession, demons, and so forth but this really missed the mark for me.

If it was just a writing exercise I think there are a few points to take away, but as far as a rewrite to make it better goes, without a fresh story you are still just going to be left with a short version of an already produced film.

Problems out of the shoot.

Quoted Text INT. FRANKS CAR - DAY DEPUTY FRANKS, a man in his 30’s, is driving a cop car down a road. The radio is playing Down In the River To Pray.

Why not put police car in the slug and tell us if Frank is a cop.

Reads better as: Frank drives

Song plays

Quoted Text He begins singing along. DEPUTY FRANKS (to himself)

Unless someone else is in the car we know he is singing to himself. Why not make the parenthetical - singing. I would also use quotation marks here.

Quoted Text O brothers let’s go down. Let’s go down, come on down. Down in the river to pray. As I went down in the river to pray. Studying about that good ole way and who shall wear the starry crown. Good lord show me the way.

Quoted Text DEPUTY FRANKS Good morning Bonnie.

comma needed after morning - an error throughout.

This needs a clean up