Riding High by Mark Galasso - Short, Comedy - On the way to a high school party something Anna's mother seems more loose than usual.  Hope it doesn't have anything to do with the missing joint in Anna's cigarette box. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Mark,

Right then, I'll be as nice as possible, it just didn't work.

The positive, a largely female based cast is a refreshing take on this kinda frat boy (or frat girl) style of work, a bit like a teenage Bridesmaids, spliced with a family drama. It wasn't my cup of tea, but shit, there's clearly a market for it out there as the American Pie franchises rolled on for that long.

Now, negatives. I'm not sure how new you are to writing or if you've been doing it for a while, try to refrain from using words that end with "ing" in your descriptions. You want these descriptions to be active in the present tense, and the "ing's" put it into the past.

Your current formatting has all the scenes numbered in a shooting script style, cut these out as in current form it's just a spec.

Finally, the writing style is interrupted quite a lot with directions in brackets. Replace these with descriptive actions and try to make the piece flow better. And there's a truck load of typos in there, from spelling mistakes, to capital letters missing/not supposed to be there.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Fix up the formatting, the typos and try to get more of a flow to it. Whilst it's not for myself, there is a market for this type of thing, but before it'll even get a consideration you need to give the overall work a right good tidy.

All the best

Cam

Got to agree with Cam - there are format problems and typos through out and this really needs to be tidied up. Your very first scene heading needs to be more precise. e.g., should be

INT. ANNA'S HOUSE/BEDROOM - SUNDOWN