Theft by Ian Cherutich - Short, Comedy - Beth, a community college student, goes increasingly insane when she suspects that one of her friends has stolen her Biology notebook. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Congrats on completing a script.

For me the dialogue was more child like (ten to 12 year olds) rather than the age of your characters. The ending had no ooomph - at least for me.  

Thanks for your feedback eldave1! What specifically about the language makes it inappropriate for college students? Is it the lack of profanity?

Regarding the ending, what made it dissatisfying? Did the resolution not follow naturally from the events of Acts II and III?

Hi Ian,

I struggled to find the humour in this one, comedy is subjective though.

I agree that the ending had no "oomph". Yes the resolution does follow on naturally from the rest of the story, but that doesn't necessarily mean it holds any weight. 13 pages to get to such a weak punch line is a lot of pages.

Comedy isn't really my thing so I'm just calling it like I see it.

The dialogue was on the nose at times but not so much that it was an annoyance.

On the positive side the writing is quite good, no major formatting/grammar/spelling issues.

Hopefully some of the better comedy writers can give advise on how to add something more to this because it is definitely lacking.

Quoted from IanC Thanks for your feedback eldave1! What specifically about the language makes it inappropriate for college students? Is it the lack of profanity? Regarding the ending, what made it dissatisfying? Did the resolution not follow naturally from the events of Acts II and III?

Hmm. Yeah, I think the lack of it from one of them made their voices all sound similar. But, you still could get away with out it. I give you a few examples of what I was talking about.

Quoted Text GREG Oh my gosh, how long do we need to stay here?

Haven't heard the term Gosh forever and almost never from a twenty something.

Quoted Text GREG Yes please!

Sounded young to my ear - should be something like hell, yeah.

Quoted Text BETH Uh, are you guys sure? MEREDITH Yeah. Are you sure you brought it? Beth is slightly taken aback by the suggestion. BETH Yeah, I know I brought it. I was just using it!

The repeating of words (guys, sure, brought) is more child like and less like the short hand twenty something's would use. e.g., I think it is more natural like:

BETH
You're sure?

MEREDITH
Yeah. maybe you didn't bring it.

BETH
I was just using it!

Quoted Text BETH I know you two want Dr. Gill to curve the grade. And if I don't have my notebook, that means I won't get a one hundred.

Way too on the nose

Quoted Text GREG I don't know what to tell you, Beth. We didn't take your notebook.

Again - doesn't sound like college students - Greg would say something like - you out of your mind? or fucking crazy.

Quoted Text BETH I sure did. Tell me if this story sounds familiar. A lil' twenty-something drops out of university and starts going to community college. And she needs to be at the top of her class. Except one problem: her best friend seems just a bit too intelligent for her own good. She works and works, but just can't shake the feeling that her friend might become valedictorian instead of her. So she does the only thing she can think of: she sabotages her friend. Collateral damage, right? So while her best friend's chances of getting an A in biology are ruined, lil Meredith gets to rise to the top and be everyone's ruler. And because she just needs to have it all, she ends the day of diabolical conniving by flossing her teeth so she can have the perfect smile during her perfect speech at her (MORE) 5 perfect graduation. BETH (CONT'D

The above was very hard to get through and again did not sound like a modern day college student.

Quoted Text BETH Not "just" earbuds. I know whoever stole my notebook probably wanted to celebrate afterwards. And what better way to celebrate than by jamming out to your favorite tunes using a pair of earbuds!

Same issue as with the floss. - also, use party - not celebrate. "Jamming out to your favorite tunes" not modern day vernacular.

Quoted Text GREG Me and Meredith have been doing it for two months. But we didn't want you to make fun of us.

...make fun of us... A 20 year old wouldn't speak like this. I would also add there are no smart phones, Ipads, computers - all making this sound a bit dated.

In terms of the ending not be satisfying... Nothing to do with logic. There is just no there - there. Here are the bones: Beth can't find her notebook - Beth accuses her friend of stealing it - Beth friends protest - a search ensues - ah, crap, the notebook was there all along.

Sorry - but that is just not interesting. So, think of what you could do. As an example, a pissed Meredith finds the notebook at the end - she starts to open it (let's see what was so valuable) - Beth yells - no! Meredith opens it and reveals (a) it's actually a diary of sorts - Beth is on pysch meds, or (b) she confesses her love for Greg, or (C) here love for Meredith, or .....????

The point being - something that makes her maniacal behavior make sense and makes the story something bigger than a lost and found saga.

Hope you find this helpful - but please keep in mind they are just thoughts from a rank amateur - others might like this just as is. Best of luck

Some notes.

This one didn't quite get there.  In this age, don't students take notes on laptops and pads?  Don't teachers post class notes on web sites?  This reads like a story from yesteryear and so, it doesn't hold interest.  If you put this story in a place where there is no internet, then you can go with pen and paper.  But you still need to make these characters a bit more believable.  

Best
Richard

It’s not the most compelling premise but the writing was decent enough that I stuck with it (a couple of minor typos to catch on a revision).  There’s some humour in Beth’s increasingly over the top reaction but it’s a lot of set-up for a pay-off that never really lands.  She loses her notebook, blames her friends - turns out the notebook was in the room the whole time.  

For me it needs something more to take it up a gear - some twist or irony (police cadets studying for an exam or maybe she’s studying for a profession that requires calm, rational objectivity - which she clearly doesn’t possess.

Not a bad idea - simple, easy to film - but I’d consider ways to strengthen the ending.

Hope this helps,

Steve

Thanks everyone for your suggestions! I really appreciate it; I'll take it all into consideration in the rewrites.