Insidious Pretext by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A devilish, middle-aged executive seeks to change the life of a young job applicant so that he can become her lover. 12 pages

production: Shoestring production. Two leading actors and two minor parts. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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There was a glitch in the matrix and somehow this thread got corrupted.  I'm reposting the script.  Apologies.

- Don

***Spoilers***

In the logline you describe Tara as "devilish".  If you're going to do that, I'd make her more devilish.  Right now she just seems manipulative, which to some people may be devilish, but to others she's just a bitch who will do whatever it takes to get what she wants.  I think if you really want to put a stamp on this, it could be flushed out a little more, maybe by even adding a few more pages.  I would have loved to see her do something to the girlfriend, even possibly taking her life, and forcing her way into Dominic's life that way.  To me that would be more of a devilish thing to do.  I really wanted to hate her more than I did.  Why not go all out with the hate?

Just my two cents.

Good luck.

Nolan

Hi Nolan,
thank you for your review and suggestions. I definitely add a few more page about her bitchiness...I liked the premise and I would make it more dramatic. Thanks again.
Fausto

Hi Fausto,
I find the premise good. So you could make it a longer story.
Make it not so straightforward and not so easy for Tara to get what she wants.

It was easy to read and the dialogue was simple but effective.

Ciao,

Hi Miranda,
thank you for your analysis...I was thinking about extending the story and make it more convoluted. My problem, however, is time...I don't have enough hours to do everything I need to do...work, write etc. I'll try. I'm working on your script, it's almost completed in Fade In.
Ciao