Tides Inn by William (Bill) Wilke - Drama - Tides Inn, an Agatha Christie-esque whodunit, challenges the mystery aficionado with a seemingly impossible murder that occurs in a unique, picturesque, one-of-a-kind, coastal British Pub, and ends in a ‘Wow, I didn’t see that one coming’ finale. 56 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

Just read your script. A very fun mystery in an absolutely fantastic location. I really loved the atmosphere.

However, I might open up the story just a bit more, at 56 pages there is definitely room for that. It feels like a play right now more than a movie. Perhaps if you showed a little of Thompkins' home life, or something else not directly connected to the case. Would give her character a bit more life as well.

Also, I found the culprit was vilified too much before the reveal, which definitely made me suspect him (though I didn't figure out how he did it). Maybe instead of him being so antagonistic towards Thompkins have him be supportive or if that doesn't work, just not so mean. With that and the memory of him demanding "not to be bothered" the night of the murder (because he was sick, apparently, but he seemed fine when he came in. Also, he arrived very quickly and I can't remember if he explains how he knew to got there so fast to "take over" the investigation).

Other than that though, it's a well thought out mystery with a great lead and interesting suspects. Good work!

I love the title. I’d add an apostrophe as it’d read better, and it gives (the correct) impression that the inn is in a way owned by the rising tide. Tide’s Inn.

On to the real stuff!

You need to use a courier font as the Times New Roman is throwing off your page count. You’ll still be short, since it’s only 56 pgs long right now, but it’ll be a good deal longer. You also have action description and parentheticals bleeding into dialogues throughout the first 26 pgs I read (I’d have marked them for you, but your pages aren’t numbered).  I believe both Celtx and WriterDuet have free versions that could handle the formatting for you.

Break up your action description up a bit more (4-5 lines TOPS). You had a 7 line paragraph at one point and that’d amount to 10 lines in courier. The blockiness makes it hard to read and that’s especially an issue when you’re introducing so many characters early on. There’s plenty you could cut from the action writing too, as you tend to overwrite.

"The dart players game begins again with the banter of the foursome of Ian, Bunny, Derek, and Carole."

Not only is that overwritten, it’s just a plain weird sentence lol. There's a few of these scattered about.

Going back to the character intros here, I think that’s where you could’ve gotten away with a bit more description (or at least more memorable descriptions). I had an especially hard time with the names of the two guys playing darts at the beginning.

The exposition bit about how the tide system works with Ali and the barkeep was really jarring. If it’s crucial to the story I could forgive it, but otherwise I’d consider cutting it entirely. It seems especially unnecessary as, immediately after that scene, constable Thompkins and the sheriff cross the path without any consideration to any of the world-rules we’ve just been told about.

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I really liked the premise, but I don’t think you took full advantage of it, man. These murder mystery stories work because the detective and the suspects are all stuck together in the crime scene as the detective work unfolds. You have the perfect setting for this -- a lighthouse inn made inaccessible by the tide -- but you completely undercut it by…

1- having the constable cross the path on the high tide without any consequences -- anyone could just leave if they wanted to. It’d be interesting if she came close to drowning and faced more resistance. Then we’d know that the characters actually are stuck here.

2- cutting to the day after the murder, back at the police station. This is what really baffles me (and the reason I stopped reading). What’s the point of the Tide Inn if you’re going to allow all the characters to leave? The worst part is we’re almost halfway through your script and the first investigation to take place happens off-screen. Thompkins went off and did all the stuff I’d expect to see in a murder mystery story while I wasn’t watching. Instead we just get info relayed back to us through an expository speech.

I think the idea could make for a cool script with some more work. There are flashes of talent throughout, but there’s too much marring it right now for anything to be properly appreciated. I enjoyed the doctor’s conversation with Thompkins through the phone, but then you render that scene pointless by having both her and the sheriff arrive at the inn not a page later.  That’s the sorta stuff that bothered me the most here.

I hope you keep working on it. Good luck!