Bad Vibes Forever by Jake Katalay - Drama, Urban - BAD VIBES FOREVER is a loose adaptation of the life of Jahseh Onfroy. The screenplay chronicles his life from 6-18 years old. It displays what he has become due to his environment and the kind of man he slowly turns into. 127 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I kinda like this screenplay.

But I don't think a mother would send her boy to a martial arts center after getting into a fight at school.. after being told not to fight, and being known to get into fights.

I think it's be more interesting if Jahseh resists fighting at school.. takes all the shit.. but straight after school gets into a fight with the bullies anyway.. after spotting them just outside school grounds, and getting mad seeing them. Maybe his mother should arrive at the scene when Jahseh finally gets overwhelmed by bullies after Jahseh throws the first punches.

It would make Jahseh more sympathetic. He tries to do the good thing, but he's still an angry kid. It would also make more sense for the mother to send him to a fight school.. for discipline AND to learn how to defend himself.

And this:

Quoted Text NENA Because you don’t act like everybody else and being different is cool.

I doubt a kid would say all this like the way its typed.

From the first 20 pages I read I'd say this story has potential. Like a more realistic, gritty version of Karate Kid.

Best first 20 pages of an unproduced screenplay I read so far on this site.

What I was trying to do with the Martial Arts was show that his mother wanted him to find a different way from him to get his anger out without hurting anybody, but I think the alternative you provided better fits the character in a way, considering how he's molded further on into the script. And yeah I think the way I wrote him he didn't feel too human at times because of how extremely violent he's got.

Thank you for the critique I appreciate it.

Jake: Had time to read a few pages.  My reaction so far is that your dialogue is generally natural and authentic. I think your descriptions could be much more efficient (which, if cleaned up, would certainly squeeze down your page count). I'll use page 1 as an example of what I am talking about.

Quoted Text INT. LIVING ROOM - ONFROY HOUSEHOLD - MORNING

A nit, but this is the wrong sequence. Should be:

INT.   ONFROY HOUSEHOLD/LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Quoted Text The house is small and cluttered. There’s clothes, a small antennae TV, action figures and toys laying around in the living room. All that can be heard is something being POUNDED into one of the walls. A WOMAN can be heard SCREAMING.

Some unneeded words - the house is already in your scene heading so you don't need to tell us we are in the house again. Don't need to tell us "nothing can be heard" when one word - like silent - does the trick. You can also eliminate the "there's" since we know we are there.

So, it could be shortened to:

Small and cluttered. Clothes, a small TV, action figures and toys scattered about.
Silent other than a POUNDING on the walls.

A WOMAN's  SCREAM from another room.

Quoted Text A MAN walks out into the living room SQUEEZING his hand tightly on the throat of the WOMAN who was SCREAMING. Her name is CLEOPATRA ONFROY(18). A young Jamaican woman with a model build, and eyes of exhaustion.

Again - your repeating Living room - no need - it's in the scene heading. You're using four words  - walks out into the - when one (enters) does the trick.  When you intro a character you don't need "her name is" - we'll know it when introduced. You don't need to tell us that she is 18 and young. 18 does it. Or that she is a woman - Cleopatra does that. Something like:

A MAN enters. His hand clutched around the throat of CLEOPATRA ONFROY( 18), Jamaican, built like a model, eyes bloodshot.

The point being is that you slow your pace now when you use more words then necessary to describe action.

Just my point of view for what is worth. Best of lick.