In A Pinch by Sebastian the Crab - Short, Drama - A woman returning home to take over her family's legacy finds it's much harder than she ever imagined. 11 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Obviously an accomplished writer and you know your subject matter well. A  joy to read overall. A little bit laboured at mid point but some fine work for a one week challenge.

Yay! The OWC is back, and it feels like Christmas day when Santa's delivered your presents and all you've got to do is unwrap them. Is it a pair of socks, or is it PlayStation with FIFA already attached? It's definitely the latter (that's a good thing).

First up, the parameters. So far as I could tell you've nailed them. No more than 4 characters, set in the present and all filmable. Fish out of water? Yep, a fish in the water, that's out of water. Tick.

The writing worked well, and was good and clear. The pace could have been ramped up at the end, just to add a bit more peril, but that's me nitpicking. Kinda felt comedic in parts which was nice, the dialogue was sound and overall it was a fine little script.

Good job,

Cam

Janice is a solid character because of her determination alone. And it's fun to watch her work the deck like a Swiss Army knife, but there's no way she'd be able to get a crab boat underway on her own - physically and legally. Given that it could only have 4 characters, I'm sure the writer made a tradeoff to tell the story right.

The story was great, I enjoyed the interaction between captains and the first radio call with Nolan. I've always been captivated by Dutch Harbor. The locals there are very friendly but also tell it like it is - especially at the bar. It strikes me as a place where strangers come and go, and who knows, maybe even hiding out.

Crab boats go much further than 20 miles off shore for their catch, and unless they're avoiding harsh weather, they stay out longer too. Not sure why Nolan's crew was strapped in during an emergency, but it was good to see Janice get a tow on it and bring in the boat. I liked the ending, Nolan coming onboard to fish with her. Nice work.

You certainly know your subject, although maybe this script a little ambitious for a short, in terms of the shooting financials. The story line is good with an element of comedy which really works. Try to 'show not tell' and continue to read as many scripts as possible to improve. Overall a creditable effort!

In A Pinch

It's a solid story that's, without a doubt, well adjusted to the parameters.

Its exposition is handled extremely well for a short. I tend to find most writers handling shorts containing too much exposition or little to none. So, give yourself a pat on the back for that.

As for the visuals, they're well communicated for the most part. Although, at times, I felt some passages were under elaborated than others.

The only gripe I have with the short is the consistent use of adverbs. Personally, I find adverbs a limiter for writers. You can evoke amazing imagery without adverbs. Even each time I write an adverb, I give myself a slap on the wrist.

But overall, a good story and a solid script written by a knowledgeable writer. It's eligible to win the contest.

Liked it, liked it, liked it.

One of the few where I was with the story the whole way. Yes, there's no shocking twist or inciting incident - but it percolated just fine for my taste.

IMO, solid writing throughout - nice job here!

Difficult subject matter to have only four characters but you pulled it off. Congratulations on that.

Production wise it would be a modest budget.  Would people come and pay to watch it?  I think you might break even.

The story is well written and an easy read.

Scale of 1 to 10 I give a 6.

Nice little short. Nothing groundbreaking about the story but a good microcosm of crab fisherman. I guess the writer lives in an area where they do this? either that or some seriously top research done. Well done!

Reminded me a bit of chars in one of my favorite books, The Beast by Peter Benchley

So, top of the list. It appears to fit the parameters pretty directly. Lots of jargon which makes it a bit hard to read if you don't know it, but I'm also sure it makes it easier to film since everything is so specific.

My main impression from it is that nothing much happens. It's a little slice of life story where we see a crab fisherman learn the ropes. It's a nice simple backstory. There is a minor difficulty, but no real stakes and no real antagonistic force. I kept waiting for the big thing to happen, but it never did.

Well, done on the detail, but it lacks that big grab factor that shorts need.

A fun little heart-warmer. Got the tone of one of those light-hearted dramas that Hollywood used to do so well. I like it.

Nolan's emergency feels a little bit convenient -- maybe it just needed a bit of foreshadowing? -- and his final speech explained the story a little too neatly. If I had one complaint it would be that the protag actually wins her acceptance pretty easily. But you've already told a lot of story in a few pages here, so maybe that's not a fair complaint.

Anyway, good stuff.

Hi,

A nice little romance. A good one.  It reminds me a lot of "New in Town" with Renee Zellweger. I even could see her in this.

A bit over descriptive and talky. I'm thinking you could trim on the dialog quite a bit - a lot of conversation with Martha I think could be done away with. And Nolan keeps repeating he's got a rookie messing with his whatever... - he's a bit repetitive.

I liked the conflict between them. Kind of predictable, but romantic movies are, much like New in Town and I thoroughly enjoyed that one. Nice job.

Writing is pretty nice - Thank you!

Over the first 4 pages, my only complaint, and it is a big one, knowing about these crab fishers, is that Janice could not do this literally alone...impossible to single handily drive and drop pots - this is a multiple person job, any way you look at it.

Good to see that the others discuss Janice's attempt to do this alone.

Page 6 - Here's a little trick that should help - the passage, "Nolan turns without waiting for a reply. He sits next to Pedro." ends in an orphan, so, if you go away with the period, change it to a comma, and delete "He", you have a single sentence, and no orphan.

Page 9 - your writing is so clean, I want to just let you know there's 1 typo here - "she" should be "the".

This is good!  Solid writing, good, heart warming story, just well done overall, and you met the parameters of the challenge perfectly.

I think a little lead-in story would help, but otherwise, great job - best so far by a landslide!

Grade - ****

Writer,

Nice, nice work. Very good writing, saw everything you wanted me to see and you have a pretty complete story. Not much else to say here, I guess. My fav so far! Great job.

Steve

I was falling asleep reading this. It would play out better on screen no doubt. I've just had a romance produced that I imagine would be boring to read.

I read the beginning, some of the middle and then skipped to the obvious end. Although I can write this stuff too, when given a choice, I'd rather write something with more oomph.

Great writing, the story just doesn't float my boat.

I must be the only person who doesn't think you met the fish-out-of-water aspect of the parameter.  You claim that she grew up there and knows everything about a boat and the life, save where to fish.

I am not sure that qualifies.

I thought the story carried on too long.  Too much going through similar stuff and like Dustin, it got a bit boring for me too.

I know nothing about boats, so, I have no clue how accurate it is.

However, I do know there is no way that she'd be allowed to go out there alone.  No way, no how.

And if she's who she says she is, and she advertised for help, and her dad was that good of a guy, I'm sure someone would have shown up, if nothing more than to see if she's like him...

I think the parameter of 4 people really hurt the credibility of the story.

Dan

I agree with Dan in that the realism is conveniently overlooked and that there's a whole crew strapped in below deck. That said, I really liked the story and could be made into a feature for sure. A lot of people have this as their favorite, so good job. My biggest competition! Dang. Good stuff, writer!

There's a lot of story packed into these pages. The limitations of the challenge really hurt this from blooming to full effect, but it still tells a good story. Lots of visuals, great use of setting, just ambitious for the challenge. Maybe choose a different story next time?

There are definitely stumbles along the way. The bar scene doesn't seem real. No way anyone would attempt one of the most dangerous jobs in the world alone. No way anyone would be strapped below during a crisis (character limit got ya, huh?) You don't fish for crab thirty kilometers from port, that's like shooting deer from your back porch.

I didn't get the romance angle others seem to have at the end, but maybe I just have a stone cold heart. What I did get was a touching finish that resonated with me. Great job there.

All in all, one of my faves too.

Very generic logline, there's nothing special

Funny that she forgot the line...

In general, I wasn't sure you can do that kind of fishing alone???

Whatever… I like her, a little fighter she is, fresh and witty, a cool character

Yeah she's great… love her

p7 okay this back-story about her father may not be the best way to keep us entertained there. Get it done as quickly as possible… I mean, really cut every word possible that you don't need for explaining the context regarding her dad.
^^ really a minor point but it was noticeable to me that it slowed down there and felt like passive information without any live-experience for me.

Great work. There's nothing to say against the story from my side. I simply enjoyed following.


((@ with regards to the quality and content of the story, the logline is abysmal, sorry. You sell your script extremely short there, with endlessly vague words that have no connection to the plot. It's not even addressing the fishing topic and… sounds more like "mom's coming home to do the housework"))

Well, this was really well done!

A real stranger in a strange "water" story.

Fit the meaning of the challenge completely. It was quick and clean read.

Sandra

Really liked this, well written and flowed well.

It didn't surprise me in where it went but sometimes that's fine, and this is one of those times.

My first read of this OWC and off to a good start.

I liked this a lot. I have only two mild critiques:

1. Nolan's closing speech was too on-the-nose.

2. Janice's commitment to becoming a commercial fisherman must be called into question when we see her in a bar drinking white wine instead of rotgut.

Thanks to everyone who commented on this. I really appreciate all the feedback, and I'm glad you liked it enough to make it your top pick!

The critique I wrote here (a first for me!) is a good peek behind the curtain about how I came up with this. It's not a story that should even have been attempted with a four character limit, but after starting another script that just wasn't working for me this was all I had come up with and I didn't have time to think up something else. So I cheated, a lot, giving the impression of other people being around but not showing them. Sometimes it worked, like the other ship passing by and only the captain is visible at the wheelhouse. Other times it didn't, like keeping the rest of the crew below deck during an emergency. I also realize this is too expensive, but again, it was the only idea I had and had to run with it or risk not writing anything.

In regards to knowing the material, I really don't. I watched some Deadliest Catch a few years ago and did some quick research into where they fish from and what crab boats look like, and that's about it. Nice to know I can fool some of you though!  ;)

Oh, and I had to come up with that crappy logline right before the deadline. I know it's terrible, it was an 11th hour entry and I just didn't have time to do better. It doesn't do the script any justice.