Junkyard by Sylvester Ritter - Short, Thriller, Black Comedy - After a police officer chases a young black man into a junkyard, the simple pot bust gets very messy. (Warning: extremely offensive language throughout) 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Pretty gory! I liked the vivid details, as much as it grossed me out by the end. And I laughed so hard when they were dancing around Rich to N.W.A. Also thought the country-pop/hick reference was funny... even though I like country.."pop". lol I liked this one though, was a pretty good read and made me laugh, while also entertaining.

4 characters - Check, stranger in a strange land - I don't see it...at all.

Who's the stranger here?  Jackson?  I don't think so, as he seems to be in this junkyard on his own free will, and maybe even as a regular thing.

Writing- wise, way too many CAPPED words.  Way too many asides that don't work.  Descriptions and action lines don't work for me, as written.  Just a strange conglomeration of writing styles that just doesn't work for me at all.

Biggest issue for me, though, is the story - as in there really isn't one that I can see.  This plays out like a little slice of life that's all nicely wrapped up in the end.

It's a good effort, but definitely not for me, sorry to say.

Score - **1/2

"DONNY P.(35), a steak and potatoes and cocaine kinda guy, and OWEN STRATTON (31), just the cocaine, stare back." Loved that. ;)

Ok, if I were a cop, I don't know if I'd go charging into a junkyard for a pot bust. It's 2017. Might as well be jay walking. But the cop already has committed so fine. IF I were a cop, chasing a suspect into an old junkyard, with a piece of metal in my foot AND heard gunfire I would be weary. IF I WERE A COP and HEARD GUNFIRE in the DIRECTION of a suspect I was chasing, and came across two DRUNK rednecks with a RIFLE and REVOLVER I would not be shooting the shit with them upon first contact.

And I would definitely not walk up to cuff the kid while my two armed suspects stand by after refusing to drop their weapons. I would think firing a weapon within city limits would be a bigger crime than simple possession but I'm not a cop so I don't really know. Are we near city limits? Or was Jackson trying to do a sale in the middle of the woods?

If everybody in town knows of Rich's sorid past, then how did he become a cop?

An ounce of weed is not a jackpot.

And a Mexican standoff. The Tarantino is strong in this one.

The premise was good at the beginning but fell out quickly once Rich acted not like the hard cop you wanted him to be, but an idiot. I would argue Rich was the fish outta water here and not Jackson since he had no control over the situation from page one. Way too much exposition in the form of dialogue for me. It doesn't really go anywhere and becomes nonsensical with acquisitions, counter acquisitions, drunk rednecks dancing to NWA (huh?) and deathbed confessions.

I did like the cocaine line though.

Hmm interesting little piece. Pretty well written, moved along ok. I assume that Rich and Owen? were related though it wasn't really spelled out but for the surnames.

Jeff, I hear what you're saying about most not adhering to the challenge theme - and mine is in that boat too; in fact if I hadn't of had my idea separately from the challenge I wouldn't have entered at all - but I reckon you would have only get 5 entries if ones that wouldn't fit weren't allowed and I mean that seriously.

Getting back to Junkyard, yeah it was a cool vignette and I liked it

An entertaining, creative story. Very well written... aside from the early sound effect. I guessed what was going to happen before the end, but no less entertaining for it.

Another one where I am struggling with the stranger in a strange land concept.

Good craftsmanship - the character descriptions in particular were great.

Action sequences generally clear and vivid.

The story itself - not much there for me anyway. But certainly solidly written.

Again, struggling with whether it met the criteria - will rate anyway since there are just too many where I have the same issue.

You do have talent.

I didn't get any stranger in a strange land vibe.

Nicely written and vivid. I know this may be red neck racist of me but I kept on getting all the characters confused, they all seemed the same. There was nothing really distinguishing their names, how they spoke and their characters. It all merged into one and became confusing.

I didn't really buy it that Jackson Owen and Donny could have this fairly long discussion in the junkyard just after firing several shots before Rich shows up. How slow and deaf would the cop have to be considering he was chasing Jackson?

The three-way fatality was nicely handled but predictable and done many times before.

Not bad though, just didn't seem to fit into this OWC.  

-Mark

Well, do you have your strange fish guy? It is clearly delineated in the dialogue that Jackson is a city boy in hicktown, so that's there. You have four characters, so fine.

Reiteration of the word "Tucker"? Editing, or at least rereading, would help catch little things like this.

Dramatically, this works well. You have a solid incident leading directly into the main conflict of the story that remains engaging and tense throughout. It gets a little tired near the end as it continues running on, which is probably due to the excessive expositional dialogue necessary when you have constraints and need to fill in some gaps that you can't explicitly show.

So this one manages a somewhat believable situation with some tension through to the end where you had your Mexican standoff. Actually, the kid digging around the "wreckage" for a hit made for a nice bit of character in your main dude.

It ranks as one of the better ones so far to me.

Hey writer,

As with the other reviews, I don't think this is a stranger in a strange land, so really should rule it out for crossing that line. But then again, we wouldn't really be left with anything if we marked in the straight line of the parameters due to so many crossing them.

Well crafted, formatted correctly and no typos.

Pretty good read, but a couple of things. Not sure your lad at the end would just relax, pull a joint out of the red neck's pocket and toddle off, he didn't seem the sort to just let the carnage unfold in front of him and not be traumatised. Also, reckon you could have cut at least a page out of this. There were a good few bits of back and forward that didn't really add anything.

Anyway, pretty good read. I should really rule it out come voting time due to the criteria, but will see,

Cam

This was my first read.  I don't see how the back story made any difference to the main plot at all.  What are you trying to say?  That the cop liked black people, but, he wants to bust a guy because of pot?  

I get the drug epidemic is bad, but, pot isn't on that list, not really.  

I thought it was vivid and violent, and rivals my story for gory stuff, that's for sure.

I didn't get the stranger in a strange land.  Perhaps if you had the guy dressed nicely, it'd be different.

So, the cop impales his foot, and goes on??  

Sorry, this didn't work for me.

Dan

I'm sorry and maybe it's not my kind of the story but this does not work for me.
Maybe it's because I'm not attracted to your characters. I was having a hard time getting into this, then differentiating between them and keep track of them. I didn't fully get what they wanted and their individual roles in this.
Not for me I guess, that's all.

Also, there are a lot of capped words. It's a fad this OWC. Maybe it's a new fad in the screenwriting world that I don't know of - have to check.

Rich comes too late into play, I'd say.

The common theme so far in this OWC is that a lot of these scripts really hold your attention throughout. This one's no different. Pretty tense stuff that felt familiar.

The beginning sequence of this moves, solidly paced. The story's content and dialogue almost exasperates the writing itself, which is also solid, making it smooth from start to finish.However, some of the dialogue seemed long-winded. Capped words never bother me.

Overall good job on this last man standing, great writing on display. I could visualize the fake blood squirt everywhere.

Good flow.  Got confused at the end with all the re: stuff.  Had to reread parts.  

This was a wild ride! You have writing chops, that's for sure.

The first half is straight up good. Once the four of them are together, it skids a bit with the pace. I suspect why, which makes me suspect who wrote it, so I won't elaborate on that.

Strong finish, I'll echo the comments about Tarantino's style with the whole Mexican stand-off and everybody dies but the one who caused it all vibe. I loved Owen staring down the barrel and Jackson saying, "Aw man, don't--" right before the inevitable happens.

All in all, great job! Except, you know, for the whole stranger in a strange land, fish out of water thing that seems to only be paid lip service to here.

Thanks for sharing, one of my faves.

Maybe Tim McGraw? Maybe half an ounce? Maybe NWA? It's your story, make a decision. A bit overwritten in parts with long action but overall I enjoyed reading it. Had to see how it ended, so that's good. Clean it up and you'll have a good short.

I was also led astray with the 'black comedy' genre. Maybe dark comedy would be more fitting. I was expecting Cosby or In Living Color. My bad!

Great logline here! This really lets pop up several expectations.

Why not call him Rich "Tucker" Stratton?

The way you did it, the cop has two nicknames now and I needed to check out their introductions because it was confusing to hear he obviously has two nicknames in the script.

Another thing: Regarding their last names, it seems Owen and Rich are family. But there's no hint that we get it. This kind of stuff is irritating since we ask ourselves why they talk like complete strangers. You imo should set up and establish such name things better. Like, is it pure coincidence that he followed Jackson right on his brother's junkyard??

Okay you clear up at p9 but that all is coming from nowhere and I don't know what it means to the plot despite of shouting some "cool" lines there.

"JACKSON
(whispers)
I could get you more, man."

Whaaat? Like he collaborates with them??

Then Donny points a gun toward a uniformed policeman???

Can't believe that as well? Policemen are imo trained to finish the situation. And they are prepared well to succeed in those situations most times.

A hit in the side, especially from a rifle, is equivalent with a lethal shot by 99,99% since it crosses the body through the wide area not the short cross-section if you may understand. There's no flesh wound possible – if it happens you go down period…

Okay, it's a movie so I go on…

Lol the ending was funny. There also was some entertainment before, I clearly give you that.

All in all, this concept felt too unsure, insecure by now. Some parts felt serious -- there I questioned the interactions of the characters and couldn't believe them.

If it would have been clearer from the start that it's a full spoof, I probably would have gone with all those unbelievable happenings. Unfortunately, as you see, this concept hasn't translated to me from the start.

It wasn't bad. In hindsight the unrealistic gunfight was fitting the concept for sure. Only the first half of the script just hasn't established that goofy tone well enough to follow the script in the crazy trash mood, I as a viewer must feel to completely buy into it. Personal opinion of course.

A good job nevertheless. You took a lot of chances. Some reforming, reshaping and editing might get it in a real wtf comedy area once.

Writer,

Nice! Good writing, cool story. Loved the tension throughout. Enjoyed the backstory of Rich - you gave this a nice set up with stakes and payoff. Not
This one will stay with me. One of the better entries for sure!

Steve

Thank you for the warning about extremely offensive language.

I could tell by the logline I wasn't interested in this type of story.

It's a no-go for me.

Sandra

Well described and good dialogue. But the story about "Tucker" is hard to believe. Even if someone would do what he did to save a black kid from being beaten, half the town isn't going to cheer the humiliation on.