A Deathly Shade of Blue by Salman Rushdie - Short, Thriller - A refugee discovers that England is just like home. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Writer,

Oooooph, this was a dark one, very, very dark. That's not to say it was bad, but it's subject matter won't be everyone's cup of tea.

It's parameter O'Clock. Stranger in a foreign land, yep. 9-12 pages, yep. Less than 4 characters? Possibly not if we're including all the city centre locations, but I'll let it fly as the extras there wouldn't be required to act, and at it's centre are 4 key characters.

I'll skip the formatting and writing style, that's been absolutely nailed, couldn't find a fault. Also, the pace varies where it should do, and I read it (subject matter aside) with ease, and was certainly never bored.

Now for the subject matter/story. When approaching a story such as this, and attempting something with so many touchy subjects, you have to really know your background and you certainly know yours. The story is exceptionally well crafted. You have to have the proverbial nuts the size of whatever to attempt to write around these terrible themes, and I certainly don't have the confidence to do it yet, so well done there.

A really tricky one. In assessing someone's work from a writing and creativity standpoint you have to be able to separate what are pretty distasteful subjects and actions, and concentrate on the crafting of the story, the way it moves, and feels and overall presentation. I don't like the subject matter at all, and I'll try to push it to one side, which leaves a story that is exceptionally well crafted and well told.

It drew emotions of sympathy, revulsion and anger out of me, and sometimes OWC scripts will only leave you with a smirk or a 5 minute imprint.

So many mixed emotions within 9 pages of work, well done writer.

Cam

Wow. That was something. A few small typos and I would assume all the driving around London blows the 4 character limit outta the water but besides that let's get to the story.

This was a a full read in that there seemed to be some overly written descriptions here and there. A candle blowing in the breeze for example. Unless it's important imagery I missed I don't see the point. At times Abdul's English seemed a little too good for a refugee. It may have added to him if his handle of the language was more on the poor side, better to show he is still learning about this new world he's in. Does he do anything else except sight see? It woulda been funny to see his reaction to some British food or get lost in a conversation with somebody speaking in English slang.

The build up was also a bit slow until Jade arrived and then the movie flipped to some very graphic gang rape. Would be quite hard to watch that whole encounter on screen. I also don't know why they would trust a 15 year old to drive and bury a body somewhere in a giant city he's unfamilair with. Of course these guys aren't very intelligent but still. The fact that Abdul seems to have kept the body in the backseat instead would be hard not to notice or smell.

I saw a bomb coming sooner or later from the start, I wrote a similar story last OWC lol, but liked that Abdul chose to blow up Jamal and Karim but I wasn't 100% sure why. Was it revenge for killing his true love? But did he not help kill her as well? Also, the interactions with Jade's body at the end was a bit confusing. Verbatim with Jade, does that mean he is speaking for Jade? Jade is speaking with him through a hallucination? I woulda kept the VO and turned those lines into more self reflection from Abdul.

Pretty solid script. I think it could be pruned as the first half goes very slow and the last goes almost too fast.

Good of Mr. Rushdie to tear himself away from playing Super Mario to grace us with a script.

Expertly written and well-crafted.

A disgusting piece of heavy-breathing Muslim-panic agitprop, all the less credible for its pretense towards nihilism. This is truly repulsive work, which takes a certain kind of skill. But Rushdie it ain't.

Wow, that's gruesome.

the title is perfect for it.

Abdul is an idiot I guess (I don't know if the word is ethical but my question is if we see it right away) I guess not.
Anyway, "verbatim" vs "no verbatim" - what does it mean? How do we hear that bit of conversation?

All that driving blows the parameters of the challenge for me. But I'm not holding it against you and wish it's available for voting.
A unique take and I must be honest - I enjoyed it.

Alright folks, make sure you have a pack of Rolaids® nearby for this one...

I confess this had me glued for the duration of the read. Kudos for the voiceover work, was done very well. With Dexter Morgan zest, the curtain is pulled back into the persona of a teenager with an affinity for a girl named Jade.

Not sure why Abdul went back to finish the job at the mosque, or why he even took his licks and suited up for that matter. My confusion isn't rooted in the content, it's because I don't understand his actions. Of course not a fault to the writer. Is Abdul a djinn himself? I'm sure the writer will stop in afterward and clear it up. Until then, I'm mixed even though the story structure itself is excellent.

Look sorry but every other script I have read is keeping to the 4 char max even if not the main theme. This script opens on a London street in peak hour traffic so unless the taxi has screens around it, there would be heaps of other people visible.

Sorry to be pedantic but I cannot read it based on that.

Wow. Extremely well done. Haunting.

The only issue I had was the (verbatim with Jade) stuff. It just didn't scan easy for me and I see I'm not the only one. Especially when it's switching between verbatim and no verbatim in the same dialogue block.

Not sure how to fix that. Maybe something like this...


Jade’s lips move verbatim with Abdul’s VO, as if they're speaking as one.

ABDUL/JADE (VO)
You’re different to the others.

ABDUL (VO)
She said, passion forcing her tongue.

ABDUL/JADE (VO)
With you it was nice. It meant
something, you know?


Actually, that might be even more confusing. Hopefully, you can figure out a better way on your own. Perhaps it will turn out this wasn't an issue for the majority.

That was ... interesting. Sometimes, voiceover pieces work well enough so I'm not going to say anything about that. It was persistent exposition, but you squeezed a lot out in a little time. I'll say right off that this is not a piece I would enjoy. Parts of it felt like a bit of a young boy's fantasy and then you have some necrophilia thrown in for good measure.

So, for the challenge, you have a very straight forward new guy in new situation. It's stated very directly in the persistent voiceover. However, you failed at the environment. The rules state that you could not set it anywhere where you would have a crowd or background characters. You're driving through London. You're not going to be able to empty those streets.

Personal opinions aside and challenge aside, the piece was not bad. the progression of the character and his desired purety were interesting. His final choice worked well with what was setup. I see this as a very artsy type presentation that actually could win some awards as a short. Most won't like it, but contests love stuff like that, and it's topical with the current terrorist environment. I only read it once, but if you give it a few read-throughs to ensure that any fluff is cleaned out of it, you might have something someone would be interested in.

Abdul drives car at the age of 15? In London?

Sounds a bit risky because there's police like everywhere

P5 "leads Abdul him"

Thought a lot about the script and especially how to comment.

I have to say I believe Americans don't understand what this script means in context to our daily debate in Europe.
Such an explosive theme just taken so lightly and in an irresponsible way. An award???? If you screen this in Europe you'd be in all newspapers and would earn a shitstorm from Portugal over Paris to Berlin that you wouldn't have thought of in your lifetime. This is either a Ukip near person here or a writer who does not come from Europe and simply has no feel for what's going on here. I hope for the latter.

Big Pass.

Expertly written. Story kept me glued to the pages even if depressing. I only have one suggestion and that is to skip the necrophilia scene. It made me think so much less of Abdul and added nothing to the story, IMO.

Great job!

Very depressing, yet action packed and different enough for me to like it. I think the necro scene was a bit much, and I think the reasoning for Abdul going back to the mosque needs to be worked better. Aside from that, nice job.

Tough to judge this one.

Writing is good for the most part - a few little things here and there, but solid for sure.

Story and characters are engaging, but downright brutal.

Ending is powerful yet sad.

Problem is, although you didn't reveal more than 4 characters, you definitely broke the parameter - [/b]"Characters – Maximum of 4 human characters – PERIOD.  This includes background or “extra” characters.  Because of this stipulation, using any settings where there are a multitude of people doing whatever people do in such areas is a no-no.  Any script that violates this stipulation will not be eligible for voting.[b]"

I'm wondering if this idea or even script was written prior to the OWC and rewritten to meet the challenge as best it could?

I like what you've done here, but IMO, it shouldn't be eligible for voting.

Grade - **** - as a script, but NO GRADE for this challenge, as parameters were not met.

Hmmmm. Felt very political. Too political. Writing challenging scripts that push the envelope is always welcome, but this was pretty unrelenting in its attack on Islam, and as such, loses any real social commentary punch.

It calls out the Rotherham sex scandal and tries to fuse it with homegrown terrorism. This is why it feels so political. There is no link between the two in reality, and so the brutality of it falls flat.

That said, it was well-written, and it flowed fairly well, but agree with Dustin that Abdul's motivations need work.

This kind of piece should stimulate debate, but in its current form it's much too one dimensional and heavy handed to ignite the debate I believe the writer would want.

Wow, that was in your face. Well written and thought provoking, but not for me. Quite disturbing. Not sure it provoked the thoughts I need provoking.

Quite the story there.  It made me mad, sad, and makes me want to go hunting.

Well, I hated it.  Sorry, but, I found it revolting.

It was stereotyping.  It was brutal.  And it was fake Muslim propaganda.  

The rape scene was hard.  The necro scene was worse.  

I did kinda enjoy the fantasy that he created with his first-time love.  

I also enjoyed the ending.

But, if I wanted to watch 120 days of Sodom, I would, and I don't.  Nor do I want to watch a Serbian story...

Like I said, sorry
Dan

Writer,

Very good story. I didn't know whether to sympathize with Abdul or not, but I get what you were going for, I think. Definitely a tale that makes you think. Writing clean and concise. As far as the subject matter goes - if you don't know what you're talking about, you do a good job of making us believe. Very good work here.

Steve

Quoted from Heretic A disgusting piece of heavy-breathing Muslim-panic agitprop, all the less credible for its pretense towards nihilism. This is truly repulsive work, which takes a certain kind of skill. But Rushdie it ain't.

I couldn't have said this better, so I'm using it. There is nothing redeeming about it. It's a gut-punch of a story, and as much as I love the writing, I hate everything about it. But I respect it. I respect the choice to do it and the skill required to pull it off.

Writer, you have talent. Not just with words, but with style, tone, visuals, and a cinematic view. On merit alone, I would count this as the very best I've read. My struggle will be with whether or not I can condone the story. Right now I want it to be buried in cement and dropped to the bottom of the ocean.

Hell of a job. I want to read more from you. Just not this.

I need to say something.

The ending angers me. Deeply. It's the treatment of the only woman in the script. As disturbing as the rest was, it's Jade being there after he blows himself up that is too much. It means it wasn't just in his messed up head, Jade is there as his reward in the end. He raped her, he violated her corpse, treated her with extreme disrespect even in death, but because he blew the other two up for her it's all okay.

No, it's not. Nothing about that is okay. It tries to justify what happened to her and that's not okay.

Rene,
Well said.  This was truly repulsive.  If anything, she should drag him to hell.

I think part of the problem is that deep down, we know if we do wrong.  Yes, some can overcome this, while others suffer from some sort of mental fuck up, but, to be rewarded for this sets a terrible example.

And as much as writers hate to admit, people do emulate what they see because some are just that stupid.  Anyone recall the movie that had a person lie down in the street after dark to prove how brave they are?  People did that in real life and died.

Or why they can't kill Kenny anymore on South Park because too many kids and adults named Kenny were harming themselves??

Some are that dumb or twisted.

Dan

Quoted from ReneC but because he blew the other two up for her it's all okay.

Did he blow the other two up? I thought he was going to blow up civilians.

Actually, the story doesn't ring true to me. I don't think that's how terrorists work. THey are not stupid, they pretend to be moralists and treat each other with respect and that's how they have and maintain a large pool of followers.
I still enjoyed it and probably for all the wrong reasons. I like to read and watch this type of stories. Not the Serbian flick or 120 Days of Sodom and stuff like that. But The Quills was quite nice.

The writing style is excellent! However, the story is a little disjointed. I have seen many documentaries of refugees coming from Muslim countries, their English is sub basic at best. If you want to make this porno terrorism story more credible you have to rewrite Abdul's dialogue. Also, I have been in London, there is no way that a 15-year-old boy from another country can drive in London with cameras and policemen all over.
Note:
ABDUL (VO)
Love is the answer to everything. Hatred is spread by the uneducated.
The trouble is, some will just never learn. (Very advanced for a young teenager from a foreign country).
My best,
Fausto

There is enough of this in the world already, why write more.

I read this for critique sake, but I wish I hadn't.

What a downer. I need to get the hell off this computer now and shoot myself or something.

Sandra

Sandra,
you fell for the allure of screenwriting...actually, critiquing scripts....lol
Have fun, life is so complicated.
All my best,
Fausto

Well done! A mosque that condones rape and murder should be blown up by a suicide bomber. Of course in real life anyone who attempted to film something like this would end up being blown up themselves.

Wow. Into all the propaganda, the writer weaves one of the most messed up love stories I've ever seen. I don't think I'd change a word. It disturbs, and is disturbing. Which means the writer did his / her job. Bravo.

I thought I had posted comments on this - was reviewing the thread and did not see them - must have forgot to hit the post button before leaving.

Summarizing.

The writing style/format, etc. were fine.

I do not believe it comes close to meeting the parameters of the challenge. Driving around London, etc and no people??? If we were to buy that, then any really any setting would be fine - just don't show the people.  

Way too disturbing for my taste.

Quoted from Fausto Sandra, you fell for the allure of screenwriting...actually, critiquing scripts....lol Have fun, life is so complicated. All my best, Fausto

Yes, you and we... how do we fall...

I did vote this as a "good" script because it was and I wasn't going to lie.

Very tough though.

The allure has had me. You're right.

Sandra

Some people seem to absolutely hate this script. I can see why, but IMHO, it was well written and it kept me turning the pages. I felt something while reading. The script engaged me. Not many scripts do this, so I think the writer did a great job. Hard to make people feel strongly about a script, but this writer did.

I have no idea who wrote this, but I think the writer has talent.

Doesn't matter what you write, if it has a long rape scene, necrophilia, racist undertones it's going to make you feel something, that by no means is a reflection of talent.

Quoted from Warren Doesn't matter what you write, if it has a long rape scene, necrophilia, racist undertones it's going to make you feel something, that by no means is a reflection of talent.

I felt it was well written and the writer knew how to stir readers' feelings. Which is usually what filmmakers are looking for...

Quoted from Grandma Bear Some people seem to absolutely hate this script. I can see why, but IMHO, it was well written and it kept me turning the pages. I felt something while reading. The script engaged me. Not many scripts do this, so I think the writer did a great job. Hard to make people feel strongly about a script, but this writer did. I have no idea who wrote this, but I think the writer has talent.

Couldn't agree more. Actually, I thought this was one of the best shorts I've ever read on the site. Although, it can't compete with Numbers which had me staring at my computer screen in utter shock for like ten minutes afterwards at how good it was.

I don't even understand all the hate. I understand people hating it because it depicted some horrible, disgusting things. I don't understand any of the other criticism. I feel like I read a different screenplay. I hope once the reveal comes the author will be willing to talk about this one...

Never, at no point, did I say it wasn't well written. Clearly this is a talented writer.

I think my point was slightly lost. Anyone can write about disturbing and disgusting acts of violence and hatred and it will cause you to feel something. It's the nature of the content that makes you feel like that. Just watch A Serbian Film, shit movie, shit writing, shit everything, but it makes you feel something, so what? By that logic the writer has succeeded? Succeeded at what?

It's the content not the style/formating/tone etc.

The problem I have with this, apart from overkill i.e., the necrophilia (too sensational) is the attempt to romanticise and have it both ways with the character of Abdul. Almost as if you couldn't decide between making  him a victim of his own indoctrination or on the other hand a redeeming character. You chose 'bad guy' but with a last minute spin through his final act of killing the other bad guys, and martyrdom.

ABDUL (VO)
But, even though she allowed them
to do those things, I couldn’t help
but love her.

He loves her? Hormones kicking in do not make a rapist. Abdul is who is despite the attempt to romanticise.

She allowed them to commit horrible acts of defilement? Even if you allow that this is indeed how Abdul views things (Abdul doesn't hesitate to rape Jade, even in death) why would he not follow through with these same beliefs to the end? That's where you lost me.

Follow it through Abdul would have detonated that bomb in a crowded place according to his beliefs, but he doesn't, which leads me to think the plot twist comes about only because of the parameters of this challenge.

Speaking of, it came through as odd that there are only ever three characters in this Mosque, as if it was their home.

Abdul's a deluded teen at best, psychotic at worst.

Sorry, I just felt a little duped.

You could easily have set Abdul up as an extremist follower who chooses to act as an individual despite his upbringing and indoctrination.. Save Jade, or at least attempt to get her out of there and blow up the other two and himself. That'd be true revenge and martyrdom and be making a statement about individuality, hope, and salvation in the face of extremist brainwashing mentality.

Am I being idealistic? Perhaps. But Abdul's character could have been too.

I had hoped from his first appearance that he was going this way:
The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing.

That's the powerful message that still needs to be propagated imh. Not the one that is most sensational, all too common unfortunately, and stereotypical.

P.S. Jade's voice speaking along with his? The (verbatim) formatting was clunky, even though I think I get the idea.

I thought this was deeply disturbing, but it kept my interest. Then again, I'm a weirdo who's a stickler for things deeply disturbing/scary/horrific/gruesome/etc... This almost went a little overboard, though, tbh. Especially the part with the corpse. It was very emotional and sad and if that's what you were going for - then congratulations, you nailed it, no pun intended. This was extremely well written/formatted as well. I don't think I would ever WATCH this if it were ever to be filmed though. But Good job

Quoted from LC (Abdul doesn't hesitate to rape Jade, even in death) why would he not follow through with these same beliefs to the end? That's where you lost me.

Same reaction. The story thread is: (1) a Muslim boy participates in the gang rape of a woman in a Mosque, while she is also being poisoned. (2) A Muslim boy rapes the woman's corpse (3) A Muslim boy avenges her rape and death because he loves the woman.

There is just such a disconnect between 1,2, and 3.  One head's spin because of the disconnect. SO for me it was less of a ahhhh and more of a WTF????.

And again - way too disturbing for my taste. But that is just me.

Yes, all perfectly reasonable points. I didn't mean to suggest earlier that I don't understand any of the feedback. I was referring to the criticism of it being some sort of propaganda piece. And trying (failing) at subtlety cuz I don't actually wanna get into a debate about that stuff.

In terms of the disconnect, romanticized ending, redemption being an issue... I get where people are coming from. I just didn't see the ending the same way. I thought the image of Jade and his voiceover were just the last thoughts/images before this seriously disturbed kid killed himself. Not proof he was going to the afterlife to live with Jade as his prize. Earlier in the script a corpses lips are moving. That's not real. So, I'm not sure how the ending is 100% a real depiction of him ascending to the afterlife.

There's Abdul's increasingly distorted fantasy where Jade's love has given him strength and by killing the terrorists he'll be with her forever.

Then there's reality -- a mentally ill, physically abused, 15-year old kid who commits rape then drives around talking to a corpse and eventually kills himself.

I don't think he got rewarded/redeemed. He kills two terrorists, thus saving many lives, but he only does it as part of this sick fantasy. His unforgivable actions, and his complete disconnect from reality distort the one good deed to the point where it's meaningless. Which is kind of sad, in a way.

That's just my take on it. As usual, I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about.

Let's also not forget that this is an OWC entry. It was written in one week. I'm sure the writer will see some of the issues with believability and disconnect and take care of those issues in a rewrite. If he (yes, I do believe a male wrote this) decides to get back to the script.

(I'll clarify my suggestion that this is propaganda, though I'm not meaning to argue with anyone or suggest that this is the only way to view this piece. Noting as well that just because something is propaganda doesn't mean it's not good art. This script is good work.)

This story falls squarely within the "they're raping women" tradition of propaganda. Italian fascists, German fascists, North American politicians of all sorts, and many others built power throughout the previous century on images of dark, scary "not us" people committing vile acts of rape. Lynchings of blacks in the U.S. were typically predicated on or justified by stories of rape or potential rape. Nazi propaganda depicted Jews as rapists. Italian Fascist propaganda depicted dark-skinned foreign soldiers raping white women.

In the last couple years, a U.S. Republican candidate suggested that Mexican immigration needed to be reduced because "they're rapists," a Polish magazine depicted a white woman being attacked by three dark-skinned men with the headline "The Islamic Rape of Europe," a thirteen-year old German girl became a Channel One media sensation in Russia after falsely claiming that she was gang-raped by swarthy immigrant men, and a young U.S. man walked into a church and told the black churchgoers "You rape our women" before shooting and killing nine of them.

This is an excellently-written script that ultimately performs the same propaganda function as all of that other bullshit: it depicts members of a specific and relatively small outsider group engaging in utterly horrific acts in order to generate fear and revulsion that will, of course, attach to that group. Even beyond the superficialities, this script explicitly connects Islam to its pointlessly exhaustive rape sequences. The Quran is highlighted immediately before the rape begins, the young protagonist is told that the rape is part of becoming a good Muslim, and the rape is justified by an Islamic cosmology. The one innovation -- the rape of a mixed-race girl representing a modern liberal pluralism, rather than the usual white girl representing national uniformity -- does little to change this basic feature of the story, in my opinion. It's a story where a bunch of scary immigrants commit a brutal rape, and people have been telling that story for a long time.

Cripes, this one's still running then.

I was absolutely disgusted by the actions within this script, it was really pretty revolting and vile, but I think when we start talking about propoganda we're taking this too far.

There are the films out there with scenes that have terrorised screens for years. Strawdogs, Ireversable, Baise Moi and so on. I know this selection above highlight sexual crimes and brutality, but there are religious equivalents too, the above script has both religion and sexual violence which is the double whammy, making it even harder to stomach.

This may be vile, it may also not be correctly placed within the confines of this challenge, but I do think that taking it from a political and racial angle is a bit strong. Who knows, Nigel Farage could have written this under a different name, then I'll take it back, but until that point I reckon we wait and see what the writer (hopefully) has to say about their intentions.

No, it's wrong.

No surprises here.

Quoted from Cameron Hey Writer, Oooooph, this was a dark one, very, very dark. That's not to say it was bad, but it's subject matter won't be everyone's cup of tea.

Eff 'em.

Quoted from Cameron It drew emotions of sympathy, revulsion and anger out of me, and sometimes OWC scripts will only leave you with a smirk or a 5 minute imprint. So many mixed emotions within 9 pages of work, well done writer.

Exactly what I was going for. TBH, this stemmed from the short, Farside. There's a comedian, and I wrote a bunch of anti-Islamic jokes to be read out by the Comedian that would provide a stark contrast to the rest of the film that exposes racism and helps us identify our own prejudices. Anyway, the jokes were dropped and only one was kept that the director managed to pull off with finesse... but still.... it pissed me off, so I wanted to write something offensive. Something that would put the lefties in a stir. Pop their little bullshit bubble.

There's only one thing worse than a right wing nutcase, and that's a left wing nutcase.