I want to gather some thoughts about what you guys think about the way I write my action lines/descriptions. I know everyone writes differently, but for instance, I personally like to write it out in complete sentences rather than fragments. For instance, I would write an action line like this...

"He puts the needle of the syringe onto the cotton, pulls the plunger back, and flicks the air out of the barrel with his finger."

Some would chose to write it as a fragment like...

"Puts needle onto cotton. Pulls plunger back. Flicks air out."

I don't know, I guess I just like being more descriptive. I'm not OVERALLY descriptive, but I'm kind of anal when it comes to correct grammar. Is there anything wrong with the way I'm doing that? Or should I still find a way to shorten it?

Like I said I'm just curious and would like to gather everyone else's thoughts on this.

Some do this:
"Puts needle onto cotton, pulls plunger back, flicks air out"
and this one reads just like your second example and I think it's grammatically right.

Quoted from khamanna Some do this: "Puts needle onto cotton, pulls plunger back, flicks air out" and this one reads just like your second example and I think it's grammatically right.

Yeah I've seen them like that. I just meant, grammar wise, I like to use complete sentences and not fragments. Though I know they say you SHOULD use fragments... but is it a crime if I didn't? I guess I just hate the awkwardness of it.

I think it's a style thing, and you have to develop your own style as a writer.

Your job when writing a script is to tell a compelling story and keep the reader turning the pages.

Professional readers like to scan from top to bottom instead of left to right, so leaving them a lot of 'white' is a good thing.

I also try to avoid blocky narratives. I try never to go over two lines, and to avoid widows and orphans. It takes some work however if you play with synonyms you can easily convert a 2 1/2 line narrative into 2 lines.

The other thing I try to do is to put space in between each new shot, or what I imagine the shot to be in my head. So in essence I'm telling the director, on the page, get a new angle on this, without saying CLOSEUP ON or the dreaded 'we see'...

For example:

Brian crosses to the bar. He turns and sizes up the very attractive girl next to him. Jim sees Brian from across the room and gives a thumbs up.

vs.

Brian crosses to the bar. He turns and sizes up the very attractive woman to his right.

Jim spots Brian from across the room and gives a thumbs up.

Quoted from ajr I think it's a style thing, and you have to develop your own style as a writer. Your job when writing a script is to tell a compelling story and keep the reader turning the pages. Professional readers like to scan from top to bottom instead of left to right, so leaving them a lot of 'white' is a good thing. I also try to avoid blocky narratives. I try never to go over two lines, and to avoid widows and orphans. It takes some work however if you play with synonyms you can easily convert a 2 1/2 line narrative into 2 lines. The other thing I try to do is to put space in between each new shot, or what I imagine the shot to be in my head. So in essence I'm telling the director, on the page, get a new angle on this, without saying CLOSEUP ON or the dreaded 'we see'... For example: Brian crosses to the bar. He turns and sizes up the very attractive girl next to him. Jim sees Brian from across the room and gives a thumbs up. vs. Brian crosses to the bar. He turns and sizes up the very attractive woman to his right. Jim spots Brian from across the room and gives a thumbs up.

Oh yeah, for sure, I write like that as well. I almost never have anymore than 2 sentences per paragraph, as all of my action lines are spaced out as I see it as different camera angles, as you have said. Really, the only thing is that I just write all of my descriptions in complete sentences, rather than fragments. It just reads less awkward to me that way, I guess that's my style then. lol :)

I agree with AJR's and Khamanna's comments.

I would add:

The way it is written should also imply the pace and tone of action. When I read, short - rapid sentences in my mind it implies a rapid pace. The inverse is true for longer ones.

Tone and character perspective are important. As an example, if your description is of a drug user desperate for a hit, I might add:

He puts needle onto cotton, pulls plunger back, flicks the barrel. He licks his lips as he watches the air bubbles percolate out.

The point being - the answer really depends on what you're trying to convey.

And the number one rule is - don't be boring. If you can write a vivid description as efficiently as a mundane one - go with vivid.

Some people would throw in a little flair.


"The needle stabs the cotton, filling the reservoir with the morning's dose. With a push of the plunger, air is expelled."

Quoted from Steven Some people would throw in a little flair. "The needle stabs the cotton, filling the reservoir with the morning's dose. With a push of the plunger, air is expelled."

Like this! - fits the don't be boring paradigm.

I like to write in complete sentences with correct punctuation and grammar, but I also use alot of commas in "connected" action lines, as yuo save space and make the read easier and quicker for your readers.

I never go over 4 lines in a passage, but usually 2 is the max.

Always break up your passages by shot or description, as was said.

Thanks for the heads up, tips/suggestions guys!

Quoted from eldave1 Like this! - fits the don't be boring paradigm.

Also leaves room to imply how often this particular person doses. I initially said "day's," but I thought morning made it sound like it at least a twice a day thing.

Quoted from Steven Also leaves room to imply how often this particular person doses. I initially said "day's," but I thought morning made it sound like it at least a twice a day thing.

yes - that was exactly the image you implied - made me see a drug addict.

Quoted from Tyler King Thanks for the heads up, tips/suggestions guys!

You should check out the Zodiac screenplay.

Quoted from ajr Professional readers like to scan from top to bottom instead of left to right, so leaving them a lot of 'white' is a good thing.

That's a v good point.

As I've started reading more scripts, I've started to understand the importance of being really really REALLY easy to read. Nobody wants to linger on tangled narrative - whether that's because it's too stupidly or too cleverly written.

(Just finished reading Silence Of The Lambs. There's parts in there where the speed of the read really keeps pace with the high octane tension in the plot. It's effortless to see through the script to a brilliant movie.)

I guess the realisation is that what you might be tempted to write is not always what most people are tempted to read.