The Final Rose by Tyler King - Short, Horror - A young single woman gets a mysterious phone call one night from a secret admirer, willing to do anything to win her heart… 5 pages

production:single location, low budget. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this one posted! Hope everyone enjoys it. :)

Hey, Tyler.

This kept me on my toes. I liked the rose element and the overall creepiness. Nice job.
Few funny lines may make this even better, but just a suggestion. Not important, it's good as is I'd say.

Hi Tyler,

Writing and formatting seems to be fine.

I'm not a fan of an untraditional title page, even if it is just a slightly larger font and bolded.

Dialogue is a little on the nose.

Story wise, this is a done to death scenario with nothing overly fresh added to make it unique. The rose yes, but is it enough, I personally don't think so. It's the opening scene of Scream with a rose.

I've written a few pieces like this, common scenarios, more as writing exercises, but I think if you are looking to excite and thrill it needs more punch.

All the best.

Thanks khamanna, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate the kind words.

Warren, thanks for the suggestions/comments, I appreciate it but just so you know my title isn't any larger than the rest of the script - it's the exact same font/size, just bolded and I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. Just letting you know. Thanks!

Just looks bigger because it's bolded then. Personal preference thing, like most screenwriting 'rules'.

Quoted from Warren Just looks bigger because it's bolded then. Personal preference thing, like most screenwriting 'rules'.

It's all good, no worries. And yeah I'm a stickler for rules, but there's a ton of scripts with title pages that vary, so it's hard to know what the "exact" rule is on that, which is probably the least important rule to follow IMO anyways... besides I've heard a lot of people on here stating that they like being creative with their title, which is why I chose to bold it. Nothing too crazy. lol :)

Tyler, no need for your address on the script. Email contact is the norm.

Good idea to add this:

(c) 2017 All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

The story is not bad.

I like the single rose petal but I'd go for a misdirect - she opens the closet, the petal's there on the floor, but he's not. Add to the suspense. Where is he? Perhaps he's concealed, camouflaged, up high, watching her all along - for shock value.

One of the creepiest movies I watched was of an intruder who made himself a part of the furniture - I think it was a statue or mannequin he blended in with. He came out only when the woman slept, went to work etc.


What kind of things do you admirer,
Chloe?


Do you want to know what I admirer?

I admirer your beauty...

Huh? That pulled me up a bit...  All instances above need to be 'admire' not admirer. Verb not noun, in this context. Maybe typos?

Short filmmakers love horror so all the best with this.
I just think at the moment it's missing an unexpected element.

Quoted from LC Tyler, no need for your address on the script. Email contact is the norm.

Yeah I kind of went back and forth with putting it on there, but a lot of the books/informal websites tell you to put it on there... must be the old school method?

Quoted from LC Good idea to add this: (c) 2017 All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

I didn't include that because a lot of websites tell you not to actually put it on there, as it seems very amateur.

Quoted from LC The story is not bad. I like the single rose petal but I'd go for a misdirect - she opens the closet, the petal's there on the floor, but he's not. Add to the suspense. Where is he? Perhaps he's concealed, camouflaged, up high, watching her all along - for shock value. One of the creepiest movies I watched was of an intruder who made himself a part of the furniture - I think it was a statue or mannequin he blended in with. He came out only when the woman slept, went to work etc.

I'm glad you liked the overall story... thanks for the ideas/suggestions. I'll definitely consider them when I come back to this for a rewrite. :)

Quoted from LC What kind of things do you admirer, Chloe? Do you want to know what I admirer? I admirer your beauty... Huh? That pulled me up a bit...  All instances above need to be 'admire' not admirer. Verb not noun, in this context. Maybe typos? Short filmmakers love horror so all the best with this. I just think at the moment it's missing an unexpected element.

Definitely a typo. My bad.  :P Thanks for pointing that out though!!

I like the rose petal.

I did not like the dialogue - I found it a bit unnatural and on the nose. For example - in this sequence:


CHLOE
Uh, yeah... hi. Who is this?
.
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
No one of particular importance.

ANYONE WOULD HANG UP HERE

CHLOE
Then why are you calling me?

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
I just want to talk... get to know
you more.

Chloe rolls her eyes.

AND CERTAINLY HANG UP HERE

CHLOE
Well call someone else. I'm trying
to watch my show

AND NEVER SHARE DETAILS WITH A STALKER STRANGER IN SUCH A NONCHALANT MANNER

Sorry - it just struck me as dialogue for exposition purposes rather than a natural exchange.

Tyler, not bad.  Not bad at all.

Like Warren said, this has been done to death and this also does "scream" of the opening of Scream, but tit also works for some reason.

I'm not familiar with this show, and if it's made up, I'd lose it and simply allude that she's watching Bachelor/Bachelorette.

And, like Libby pointed out, you have a number of typos in here.

One thing I want to point out is your overuse of wrylies.  Just way, WAY too many.  I don't care what peeps have told you before, but trust me, you do not need a wrylie like "into phone" or the like.  Really, I don't think you need a single one of these you've used here - I mean I think there are 6 or so in 5 pages.  Unnecessary.

Final problem is the reality of this little setup.  This takes place in a bedroom...a 23 year old's bedroom, meaning I doubt it's very big.  If someone is hiding in the bedroom closet, which is attached to the bedroom, I think it would be pretty obvious that the voice is coming from there.  Know what I'm saying?

Good effort, though.  Keep it up!

Thanks for taking the time to read this and reply, you guys. This was written rather quickly, not to say that as an excuse by any means... I just wanted something else to write as practice and thought it was good enough to post, but I do understand (and appreciate) your criticism! :)

Quoted from Dreamscale ...but tit also works for some reason.

Always works for me too.

Code Her only garment is a Colts jersey... long enough to cover down under...

Australia?

Code CHLOE, 23, lies sprawled out on her bed. Her only garment is a Colts jersey... long enough to cover down under, short enough to ogle her long, smooth legs.

Ogle is the wrong verb. It's fine to admire. To ogle is lecherous and puts me in mind of a dirty old man.

Code She slides her thick-framed glasses back on her delicate nose, gorgeous eyes glued to the flat-screen on her dresser across the room. "The Eligible Man" is on, a reality dating game show similar to "The Bachelor".

Overuse of the pronoun 'her'.

Code Her phone RINGS. She answers. CHLOE (into phone) Hello? STATIC on the other end. She glances at the caller ID. It reads: "Unknown".

Wouldn't she glance at the caller ID before she answers? Better here, would be to have the unknown number ring and she ignores it. Then it rings again.

Code Chloe rolls her eyes, goes back to her show.

Her show?

Code MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) No one of particular importance.

Sounds like something a character from a 1970s cartoon would say.

Code CHLOE You're fucking sick. I'm calling the cops.

She seriously didn't realise that by leaving the curtains open and walking around naked at night that she would draw unwanted attention? She is genuinely shocked at the revelation. Is this a comedy?

It needs lots of work, but a good student director could make something out of this with a minimal rewrite - depending on which direction they want to take it.

Thought I would update everyone on this. I received an email from someone that is interested in filming this, and I agreed to let them use this as long as they credited me and sent me a final copy. I think that's pretty exciting! :)

See, told ya! Short filmmakers love horror.

Congrats, mate. :)

Send him/her/them, a contract - option it for a period of time. Not exclusive. You own the rights to the story etc. I always give three months.  You'll learn a lot of the time a film may or may not get made. The latter is sadly more common than not. You might get more offers. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Have you asked to see a sample of their work/show reel? Enquire as to their budget. You can ask for a nominal fee if you want.

Ant's a champ at this stuff having optioned a gazillion shorts. I hope he won't mind me saying so and will chime in if you've any more questions.

Do what you like, lots of us allow gratis, but don't sell yourself short. Ha! Pun.
Good on ya.

Coll on ya - best of luck

Thanks guys! I was told in advance in the email that he wanted to do this for free/nonprofit/low to no budget, but that I would obviously receive credit for writing/story as well as the final copy of the completed film, which I agreed to. To me, just the idea of finally getting a script filmed is worth more than a hundred bucks, or less, give or take... And I saw some of his other short films, they are pretty good and I think he'll do good with this. I'm excited to see how things turn out and if he really decides to go through with this one. :)

Quoted from Tyler King Thanks guys! I was told in advance in the email that he wanted to do this for free/nonprofit/low to no budget, but that I would obviously receive credit for writing/story as well as the final copy of the completed film, which I agreed to. To me, just the idea of finally getting a script filmed is worth more than a hundred bucks, or less, give or take... And I saw some of his other short films, they are pretty good and I think he'll do good with this. I'm excited to see how things turn out and if he really decides to go through with this one. :)

That's all fine. Things you may want to add or at least make clear:

- You receive the sole writing credit. No changes made to the script by others create a co-writing relationship on their part.

- You need to determine if the film-maker has exclusive rights. By way of example, I have given permission to students/newbies to film some of my shorts but reserved the right to sell the scrip to anyone else down the road.

Congrats. It's very exciting to get your first option.

I hope it all comes together for you.

Quoted from eldave1 That's all fine. Things you may want to add or at least make clear: - You receive the sole writing credit. No changes made to the script by others create a co-writing relationship on their part. - You need to determine if the film-maker has exclusive rights. By way of example, I have given permission to students/newbies to film some of my shorts but reserved the right to sell the scrip to anyone else down the road.

Thanks for the heads up on that!

And thanks Warren! :)

Tyler,

Congrats on getting interest, and a possible option! Well done. Don't know if you still want another read on this, but I'm game. Let me know.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Tyler, Congrats on getting interest, and a possible option! Well done. Don't know if you still want another read on this, but I'm game. Let me know. Steve

Thank you! I'm not getting paid for this one, but it is getting filmed the week after next! I will obviously receiving writing/creation credits, as well as a copy of the finished film, in addition, I am being kept up to date on the status, and will be receiving behind the scenes pictures, so whatever I know, I'll let everyone else know. :)

And sure, I would love additional reads! The more, the merrier, always love hearing feedback both good and bad.

And here's a poster I made for it. :)

Nice!

Quoted from eldave1 Nice!

Thanks man! :)