John Doe by Lee Cordner - Short, Horror - While working a late night autopsy, a Mortician receives a phone call from a man seeking revenge for something he did a lifetime ago. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Lee,

Quoted Text lays dead on a slab.

Lies. A quick Google search on the correct use of lay vs. lie will help you out, or could just be a typo.

Quoted Text ERIC He... he was... (confusedly) He was standing right there... he was right there... NATASHA (concernedly) Who was standing right there?

Confusedly/concernedly, this just reads awkwardly.

Way too many wrylies.

Quoted Text John Doe lays

Nope, not a typo.

Did I miss something? Why are the police there? Why are they arresting someone that was talking to himself on charges of murder?

The ending really threw me.

I think it would be more effective if say an assistant walks in and Eric realises the situation isn't real then... I don't know, something better than cops randomly rocking up and arresting a seemingly insane person on a bogus confession.

I think you can do something with this, but in its current state it doesn't work for me.

All the best.

In regard confusedly and concernedly... the wrylies are fine, it's the adverbs themselves that are bad. Simply removing the 'ly' from the end will solve the problem. So confusedly becomes confused.

Even in prose, 'ly' adverbs are frowned upon. Some authors refuse to use them altogether although one or two per page is acceptable. In a screenplay, we shouldn't see any.

Code "JOHN DOE", 40s, pale blue skin, cuts and scrapes across his face, bruised body, lays dead on a slab.

This reads as though he is cutting and scraping his own face. You're missing the preposition 'with'. Don't miss words out because you feel it reads faster. Words like 'with', 'and', 'the', and 'a' are necessary if you want your sentences to make sense.

When you write 'lays dead on a slab' this reads as though he has just laid something he calls 'dead' on a slab.

I skip read much of the fight scene. It got boring.

So this was a set-up by the police to get him to admit his guilt and reveal his insanity.

Not the best... but a student filmmaker may pick it up. Good luck.

As others have mentioned, there were a few typos and unneeded wrylies, but with that being said, overall the script was well formatted, so good job on that. When immediately reading this, I thought of the autopsy scene in Saw IV, and then it changed tone with the phone call...

However, even though we realize that everything is in Eric's head at the end, when he gets the phone call from "John Doe", it's unbelievable at that point - how would John Doe be calling him? If you wanted your ending to be a twist, that kind of makes it predictable right there, that it was in Eric's head and what not...

As for the ending itself... way too predictable. Why was Eric going crazy and imagining all of that? Who is John Doe, really? Who is Sarah? Why did he kill her, what happened? Was it on purpose? An accident? What were the cops randomly doing there? Were they spying on Eric the whole time? And they arrest him just because he was talking to himself? Way, way, way too many unanswered questions... you either should have explained everything clearly, or kept it simple and left a lot of that out.

Overall, I liked the idea and it's a good effort but the ending is in severe need of a revision, IMO.

Good luck!

Once again, I'm good for a return.  So leave your script titles in the comments and I'll return the favor over the weekend.

Noted all of the issues you've all brought up, will fix them at some point.  

John Doe... a psychological horror/thriller.  It doesn't make any sense, does it?  

However, it's not really that confusing.  It's all there, in visible detail.  Show don't tell.

Basically, everything from page 2-5, after John Doe attacks and before the cops arrive, never actually happened.  It was all one big hallucinatory scenario.

As for the cops showing up... Eric called Samantha.  She "heard everything", remember?

I would say that if three readers haven't got it exactly how you meant it then maybe it's not all there.

The writer will always see things more clearly than the reader, that's a given. Only you know the story you are telling and it's your job to get it across in a way that the reader sees it all. You can't blame the reader if they don't get it.

Quoted from Warren I would say that if three readers haven't got it exactly how you meant it then maybe it's not all there. The writer will always see things more clearly than the reader, that's a given. Only you know the story you are telling and it's your job to get it across in a way that the reader sees it all. You can't blame the reader if they don't get it.

My thoughts exactly!

Quoted from Leegion Once again, I'm good for a return.  So leave your script titles in the comments and I'll return the favor over the weekend. Noted all of the issues you've all brought up, will fix them at some point.   John Doe... a psychological horror/thriller.  It doesn't make any sense, does it?   However, it's not really that confusing.  It's all there, in visible detail.  Show don't tell. Basically, everything from page 2-5, after John Doe attacks and before the cops arrive, never actually happened.  It was all one big hallucinatory scenario. As for the cops showing up... Eric called Samantha.  She "heard everything", remember?

Eric called Samantha? The fuck? Who is Samantha and where did she come from now all of a sudden? Still don't like, nor understand the ending, sorry mate. You made it a lot more complicating than you even should have, especially for a short.

And this is why I quit writing a year ago.  I lack the ability to convey a cohesive story.  If no one can understand it, then I'm clearly not doing my job.

I've only just started writing again, so it's probably keyboard rust... if that's even a thing.

Quoted from Leegion And this is why I quit writing a year ago.  I lack the ability to convey a cohesive story.  If no one can understand it, then I'm clearly not doing my job. I've only just started writing again, so it's probably keyboard rust... if that's even a thing.

You really shouldn't let criticism make you stop writing altogether. It should actually be a learning tool to grow from. Just my opinion though. It's not like you're a bad writer just because some people have issues with some things.

Don't quit again. That's the whole point of SS, to get feedback, be receptive to it, and hopefully become a better writer.

Like I said, I think there is a story there, just needs a bit of work.

Good luck.

Quoted from Tyler King Eric called Samantha? The fuck? Who is Samantha and where did she come from now all of a sudden? Still don't like, nor understand the ending, sorry mate. You made it a lot more complicating than you even should have, especially for a short.

Well... Samantha is Natasha... which explains the added confusion, because I just named a completely different character from another script that has nothing to do with this one, while trying to explain the ending.  

My bad...

Quoted from Leegion Well... Samantha is Natasha... which explains the added confusion, because I just named a completely different character from another script that has nothing to do with this one, while trying to explain the ending.   My bad...

Ah gotcha... well hopefully you don't stop writing over a little criticism... like I said you're by no means a bad writer, and criticism should help you grow, not make you quit.

Hey Leegion, this is something in your writing you need to fully focus on. Ive heard alot about this, people who get stuck conveying whats in tbeir head onto paper effectively.  All you need to do is look this up on the internet and focus soley on that..... You probably stopped writing because you got stuck. Writing is learning, you cant get better if you keep making the same mistakes, and those mistakes are only a lagging skill that you can eventually learn. It applies to all things. And dont expect to learn it quickly, for some it takes alot of time to get it right. But if you love writing you'll do it. You've put all this we ork in already, just keep at it!  Theres tons of writers who sold scripts that have  gone through the same thing......

Cheers Kirsten

Hey Leegion, I read your short horror. Keep at it. Take a step back and really focus. Use all the comments to develop a better punch.

Think of it this way, once you have mastered that Perfect Script, certain scenes or lines will be altered/ changed in production anyway. Enjoy the creativity of you script.

Best of luck.