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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Thriller Scripts / Reset
Posted by: Don, August 9th, 2017, 9:27pm
Reset by Steven Clark - Short, Thriller - Gary thinks he has the quick fix to a failing relationship. Boy, is he wrong. 3 pages
production: Micro budget, 2 actors, 1 location. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: Warren, August 9th, 2017, 9:58pm; Reply: 1
Hi Steven,
SPOILERS - Maybe
Quoted Text INT. BEDROOM - HOUSE - AFTERNOON |
I generally move from the biggest location to the smallest in my slugs, personal preference would be:
INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - AFTERNOON (Then again I only stick to DAY and NIGHT as well)
I didn't mind this one. I feel like it could have been a bit longer and fleshed out the characters a bit more.
Not sure how micro budget it would be? The head turning and the back panel seems like it might require some effects.
All the best.
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), August 10th, 2017, 3:23am; Reply: 2
I like this and it does a job of entertaining, so you win... however, I think it could also use more. Maybe play around a little more with the male/female relationship thing. The fact that the female is the robot also makes this quite misogynistic so you could enhance that, or make in-jokes about it.
Anyway, just food for thought. It stands well on its own too. Good luck.
Posted by: khamanna, August 10th, 2017, 5:44am; Reply: 3
I get the irony - the robot controls the man. Great twist - it's always the other way around and you decided to spin it.
One of the Jameson's finalists was about females selecting a male robot for themselves. You have a robot female - double whammy!
However, I'm not sure if the irony will be lost on screen. I mean make it clearer at the end - she's a controlling mind and she's a robot. I know it's clear at the end, but the punch doesn't work as intended for some reason. Maybe it would work better if it was longer.
Posted by: stevemiles, August 10th, 2017, 5:53pm; Reply: 4
Steven,
I like the concept - a sex robot that's turned the tables on its human owner. Gary sneaking off to get the screwdriver seemed like a good place to ratchet up the tension a notch more perhaps.
I think you could stand to expand this a bit more - it's a great scenario to play around with. The irony alone...
Steve
Posted by: Tyler King, August 10th, 2017, 6:10pm; Reply: 5
STTTEEEEEEEEVAN...
lol sorry I always think of that Laura Clery comedian on Facebook as Helen trying to smash.
ANYWAYS.
This was pretty good. Very quick, fast paced... felt it could've had a little more though. Not sure what though.
Posted by: eldave1, August 10th, 2017, 7:06pm; Reply: 6
Glad to see you got this up - reads good. Nice job
Posted by: SAC, August 10th, 2017, 9:46pm; Reply: 7
Hey Everyone - thanks for reading, and thanks to Don for posting!
Warren,
Glad this worked for you. Believe me, everything you've mentioned were on my mind as I wrote this. As for micro budget, I think a savvy director can open up an old radio and there's your control panel, and a couple well placed camera cuts can give the illusion of a head turning around. There ya go! Oh, the slugs. I figured it's proper to start in the location that you're currently in. Perhaps I'm wrong.
Dustin,
Glad you liked this. I get what you're saying. It's not meant to be misogynistic, and going forward I don't think I'll play up that angle, but might instead toy with some extras regarding the relationship to give this a little more depth.
Khamanna,
Understood. The reason why it doesn't work, I feel, is because it's too short, and there's a reason for that.
(Note: This was written for a director who wanted a three pager to film for an upcoming festival. he reached out to me, and this is what I came up with. So, the three pages was a necessity. However, I don't think this director will use it, so it'll free me up to add more to this story.)
Also, this was my original idea for this past OWC. One I clearly should have went with!
Posted by: MarkItZero, August 11th, 2017, 1:01pm; Reply: 8
Nice job, I flew through the read. The ending was a great twist. The idea of this guy trying to have complete control and it turning horribly the other way... I love that.
Have you seen Ruby Sparks? One of those stories where the main character "creates" a woman and the more he tries to control her, the more she slips away. It vaguely reminded me of that. I do think you could expand this, play around with the relationship a bit more. But I enjoyed it as a three-pager.
Posted by: SAC, August 12th, 2017, 11:15am; Reply: 9
Steve, Tyler,
Thanks for the reads and advice. Hopefully I'll get a little time next week to try and expand this a touch. I'll see what happens.
Dave,
Thanks for the initial notes on the dialogue. I took your advice in this version and, so far, no complaints!
James,
Thanks. Glad this worked for you. The consensus is pretty clear on expanding this.
Steve
Posted by: eldave1, August 12th, 2017, 11:21am; Reply: 10
My pleasure - glad it helped
Posted by: KevinL, August 17th, 2017, 12:05am; Reply: 11
Good heart- pumping start. Gary has a lot of explaining and thinking to do.
Hey Steven, it was a well written grab. I am sure there are more upsides to this when completed.
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