Fatal Revelation - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, August 20th, 2017, 10:52am

Fatal Revelation by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama, Supernatural - A supernatural revelation abruptly impacts the lives of three people. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Warren, August 20th, 2017, 11:29pm; Reply: 1

Hi Fausto,

Quoted Text

INT. HOUSE ROOM
MINUTES
LATER

If nothing else has changed this can be written as MOMENTS LATER.

Quoted Text

MARA, ALBERT
(in unison

I don't think you need this wrylie, the way you have formatted it means it's in unison.

Quoted Text

MARTIN
(slowly)
How did you find out about the
diamonds?
Alcester stares at Mara and Albert with an inquisitive
glance.
Mara stares at Albert.
MARA
(whispering)
Tell him.
Albert looks at Alcester as if he was waiting for his
assistance.
Alcester's expression remains imperturbable.
3.
ALBERT
I read the letters you wrote to
Grandma when you were in South
Africa.
MARTIN
Where did you find them?
ALBERT
I was cleaning the attic, they were
in an old chest.
MARTIN
Who gave you the permission to read
my letters?
MARA
Nobody, I was curious.
MARTIN
(upset)
Shame on you, you shouldn't have read
those letters, they didn't belong to
you.
ALBERT
You and Grandma are dead. What you
care...we need those diamonds. You
always said that you loved us. Prove
it!
MARTIN
It is because I loved you that I
don't want to give them to you.
Terrible things can happen, those
stones are cursed. Somebody may die.
ALBERT
How come you didn't die?
MARTIN
I was able to break the curse.
ALBERT
How?
A long silence.
MARA
(insistingly)
How Grandpa?
4.
MARTIN
I...
A beat.
MARTIN (cont'd)
Now, it's no longer important.
ALBERT
Maybe, they were never cursed, it's
only in your mind.
MARTIN
I saw my coworkers
die after they
hid a few stones.
A long silence interrupts the conversation. Alcester
intervenes.
ALCESTER
Martin, are you tired? Do you want to
rest?

This is a perfect example of on the nose, expositional dialogue. The characters are saying exactly what they think, no one talks like this. Also you are telling your story through dialogue.

Quoted Text

Alcester's expression remains imperturbable.

Quoted Text

It's pitchblack.
Indeed, a spooky atmosphere.

I've mentioned this to you before, but look at the contrast between these two sentences. One has a word that me, as a native English speaker, had to look up. It adds nothing, why not just say calm?

Then the other sentence is childlike "indeed" and "spooky". I think more time should be spent on basic English than these huge words that don't add to the content of your script.

Lots of awkward writing. Some missing punctuation.

I didn't understand the ending at all, so the Séance is the curse, what? And then he dies as well, I'm so lost.

Because I really didn't understand this story at it's core I cant really make suggestions on how to improve it.

All the best.

Posted by: Fausto, August 21st, 2017, 6:19am; Reply: 2

Hi Warren,
thank you very much for your review and comments...you know what the sad part of all this is? When I write, I think that the dialogue is written correctly...this makes me very upset but, unfortunately, as a non-English speaker, this is the way I "see" the dialogue. And I have to do a lot of work to try to make it less on-the-nose.
Regarding the "big words" I use, it's not because I want to show off, but you may notice that they all have Ancient Latin/Italian roots. These are the words that we use in Italian and are also used in English as well.
I have written many scripts in Italian and some are under negotiation in Italy...but writing in English is much more complicated for me.
Thank you for your patience and willingness to help me.
All my best,
Fausto

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), August 23rd, 2017, 4:31am; Reply: 3

If a filmmaker doesn't know what perturb means then probably best avoiding them anyway.

Code

Alcester stares at Mara and Albert with an inquisitive glance.

Awkward... stare and glance mean the same thing in this instance - aside from one being faster. A stare indicates a lengthy look, while a glance suggests a fleeting one.

Alcester studies Mara and Albert.

'Studies' suggests his inquisitiveness.

I'm going to read this later and give a fuller review of your writing if you're up for it?

Posted by: Fausto, August 23rd, 2017, 10:11am; Reply: 4

Dustin, thank you for your intention to read this script. Of course, I appreciate it. I'm not looking for empty compliments...what I need is direct criticism even if it hurts. This is the only way to learn.
My best,
Fausto

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), August 23rd, 2017, 12:12pm; Reply: 5

Code

The walls are dark-purple.

Just use the words that build the image... especially if it is information you should deliver quickly.

Dark-purple walls.

Code

A small round table and three chairs around it are the only furniture.

Aside from 'and' being wrong (you should have used 'with') this image isn't enough for me to see what you want me to see. What type of chairs are they? Is the table only small enough to fit the three chairs?

Code

The flickering flame of three candles in the middle of the table illuminates the room.

You should be looking to add this information to the first action block where you have described the table.

Something like...

Three wooden dining chairs surround a small, round table
that holds three lit candles.

Code

A eerie atmosphere permeates the place.

An eerie.

Code

MARA, a good-looking woman and ALBERT,

Missing comma after 'woman'.

I decided to read the entire story and, for me, it lacks cohesion. The medium is merely an opportunist. I think there's a story here but you should consider changing things. Maybe have the medium kidnapped and forced into being possessed, then he tricks his way out, kills his captors, and gets the loot... or not.

Posted by: Fausto, August 24th, 2017, 7:00am; Reply: 6

Hi Dustin,
I appreciate your comments/suggestions. I will rewrite the script working on the suggestions I received from all. Thanks!
My best,
Fausto